I'm not fat... just smarter!

I hate cockroaches

I hate cockroaches.
I hate cockroaches with a passion.
They smell. They’re nasty. They look gross. And they shit everywhere.
I HATE COCKROACHES!!

Living in the tropics affords you the dismay of becoming friendly with a few more critters than you would like. Our houses are open for the most part because most of us average people cannot afford central air conditioning and we can’t lock up the house to bake to death in the blistering heat.

This allows for cockroaches to saunter in. Nasty motherf@$%&ers!!

So there is this roach that decides to take residency in my bathroom. She only comes out at night… I assume this because when I am here on a weekend I don’t see her during the day. I was hoping that she would just live out her lifespan and die soon. As much as I don’t like cockroaches… I don’t like killing them either to see what sh!t they have left inside splatter everywhere. YUCK!

So back to this bitch. Last night I came home to see her perched on my soap dish and nibbling away at my soap. Oh no… that’s it!! This bitch has got to go now! But based on previous more passive attempts, she has outsmarted me and regretfully got away. This morning… about 10 minutes ago I saunter in the bathroom to empty my bladder when lo and behold on the floor is this stupid mothalova! This means war…

I realized that I had to be strategic. This had to be as painless for me as possible and as painful for her as ever. I peed first. This could take a while to kill her so I wanted to be free from any discomforts. After all this while the bitch still sits there looking at me endearingly. So washed my hands, went to my bedroom to pick my weapon of destruction.

I figured I needed something that had no grooves under the bottom and was heavy enough itself to exert the force. I found the perfect shoe. I go back to the bathroom after all this while… oh she was begging for it. Secretly a small part of me wished she would just run away and didn’t really have to do this. But obviously it was time to live up to my fears.

Upon close inspection, I discovered that she was perched so close to the door that to get a good direct hit, I would need to move the door and then whack her. So I decided to push the door with my left hand and crush her with the shoe in my right in one swift movement.

WHAM!

I managed to get the bottom half of her and she is on her back (stupid bitch) rolling all around and sh!tting. Gross. I am successful!

So I cleaned up with some wipes. Threw her in the toilet and laughed all the way. I watched her and she floated around, got on top of the tissue and just when she thought she was safe… *flush* Die bitch! I laughed all the way down as I watched her descend in to roach heaven. (I decided it must be roach heaven because those nasty creatures eat turd!!!)

Victory was mine. I just hope there wasn’t a whole family in there yet cause I don’t know how much more of this I can do. There needs to be an easier way of population control. Yuck man! I have gone through GREAT pains to ensure there are no roaches lingering around my immediate area only to… cho… you heard that story already. Cho!!

Enough is enough. I understand survival of the fittest now a little better. AND how anger can make you do things you never dreamt of doing.

After all that adrenalin… I can’t sleep.
I HATE those nasty bitches!!

The Notebook

I watched a movie last night called "The Notebook." The synopsis of it all is this: It's a love story of a summer romance between a wealthy family's daughter (Allie) and a mill worker (Noah). They fall madly in love that summer. He taught her how to enjoy the simple things in life. She grew up learning how to please people and not doing what she really wanted. What does she do for herself?

Young Allie: Painting.

Young Noah: What?

Young Allie: You asked me, what I do for me...

Young Noah: What now?

Young Allie: I love to paint.

Young Noah: Really?

Young Allie: Mmm-hmm. Most of the time I have all these thoughts bouncin' around in my head... but with a brush in my hand, the world just gets kinda quiet.

One night he took her to a really dilapidated house and told her all the things he wanted to do to it for them to live in. She asked for 2 things - that it be white with blue shutters and that it have a painting room facing the creek. They made love for the first time there.

Her parents sent the police out to look for her that night. They disapproved of the relationship and tried to convince Allie it wasn't a good idea. Noah was waiting in the house and heard all the hurtful things her parents said about him. Allie even told her mother (Anne) that the way she looks at Noah is very different from the way her mother looks at her father - there isn't that much love in her mother's eyes for her father, that is how she Allie knows that she loves Noah and it's real.

Anne: She is out foolin' around with that boy until two o'clock in the morning and it has got to stop! I didn't spend seventeen years of my life raising a daughter and giving her EVERYTHING, so she could throw it away on a summer romance!

Young Allie: [Screaming] DADDY!

Anne: She will wind up with her heart broken or pregnant! Now he's a nice boy, but he's...

Young Allie: He's WHAT? He is what? Tell me!

Anne: He is trash! Trash! Trash! Not for you!

That very night her family decided to move away the very next day. Heartbroken Noah left the house and he and Allie had an argument - he decided to make it easy and just break it off.

Young Noah: We can just finish out the summer and see what happens then.

Young Allie: Please don't do this, you don't mean it. Oh why wait until the summer ends? Why don't you do it right now? [pushes Noah against car]

Young Allie: Huh? C'mon. Do it! Do it! [repeatedly pushes Noah, starts hitting Noah, Noah starts hitting himself]

Young Allie: You know what? I'm gonna do it! It's over. Okay? it's over.

Young Noah: [opens his arms for a hug] Come here.

Young Allie: Don't touch me! I hate you! I hate you!

Young Noah: OK, I'm going.

Young Allie: Why don't you just go then? [pushes Noah in the car]

Young Allie: Get out! Leave! [kicks Noah's car]

Young Allie: Go!... No, no, just wait a minute, we're not really breaking up are we? Come on. This is just a fight we're having and tomorrow will be like it never happend right? [Noah drives away]

She's a bit of a drama queen.

Allie and her family leave Seabrook the next day back to their home in NYC. Noah wrote to Allie everyday for a year professing his feelings. Her mother intercepted the letters and she never saw them. He decided to move on after a year and he joined the army when World War II began. After the war, "he got this notion into his head that if he restore the old house where they had come that night, Allie would find a way to go back to him... " White house with blue shutters.

Allie waited 7 years for him. After that time she got engaged to a wealthy cotton broker - Lon, which of course her parents agreed to. While Allie was trying on her wedding gown she sees a picture of Noah and his home in the newspaper - she faints. She decides to return to Seabrook and see Noah before her wedding.

This was where the contrast in her relationship with Noah and Lon struck me the most. She used to run everywhere literally with a pep in her step when she was with Noah. She didn't do that with Lon. The simple things she and Noah did together made her happy - rowing in the lake, picnics, feeding the ducks, painting, enjoying each other's company, even just laughing together. The life in NYC, albeit exciting, still left her yearning. The makeup sex was just...

Young Noah: You're gonna kill me woman! I need sleep, I need food, to regain my strength!

She just disappeared from her NY life in Seabrook. Her mother came there to get her. They had a little heart to heart talk and her mother told her of her own story as a young girl. Turns out the mother had a similar story - she fell in love with a miner and had to choose between being with Allie's dad and the miner. You could see the regret in her mother's eyes.

Anne: 'Cause I might know you a little better than you think. And I don't want you waking up one morning thinking if you'd known everything you might have done something different.

Allie's mom gave her all 365 letters. Allie went in to tell Noah she had to leave to go see her fiance to make a decision. Their exchange...

Young Noah: It's not about following your heart and it's not about keeping your promises. It's about security.

Young Allie: What's that supposed to mean?

Young Noah: [yelling] Money. He's got a lot of money!

Young Allie: You smug bastard. I hate you for saying that.

Young Noah: You're bored Allie. You're bored and you know it. You wouldn't be here if there wasn't something missing.

Young Allie: You arrogant son of a bitch.

Young Noah: Would you just stay with me?

Young Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we're already fightin'

Young Noah: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.

Young Allie: So what?

Young Noah: So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.

Allie left the house in tears. On her way to the hotel, Allie pulls over to read the letters in tears. She goes to see her fiance to work things out. Allie has to choose between her soul mate and class order.

Young Allie: When I'm with Noah I feel like one person and when I'm with you I feel like someone totally different.

Lon: Allie, it's normal not to forget your first love but I want you for myself. I don't want to convince my fiancée that she should be with me.

Young Allie: You don't have to. I already know I should be with you.

The film goes many years later, in a nursing home Duke (Noah) tells this story from a faded notebook to Allie who has Alzheimer's. Allie asks Duke who Allie chose. She realizes the answer herself, and the scene, briefly, goes again to years earlier, where Allie goes back to Noah again, and they both embrace in reunion. Allie suddenly remembers her past and she and Noah joyfully spend a brief intimate time together.

Before her dementia intensified, Allie wrote the love story of her and Noah down in a notebook. She gave it to him with instructions to read it to her on days she couldn't remember, promising that her memory would come back as Noah read her their love story. Though her memory has faded, his words give her the chance to relive her turbulent youth and the unforgettable love they shared.

Their children want him to leave their mother in the home and they will take turns visiting her so that they can enjoy life with their dad. He declines.

Duke: That's my sweetheart in there. Wherever she is, that's where my home is.

The doctors thought that him telling her this story wouldn't bring back her memories. She doesn't even remember that he is her husband. But he tried everyday. At the end of him reading from this book, she gets a 4 minute memory breakthrough and they enjoy their love just holding each other until she snaps out of it and gets back in to the state having no recollection of anything or anyone around her.

He has a third heart attack after the incident with Allie, the strain proving too much for a man with an already weakened heart. He survives. Bue as soon as he gets out of the hospital he is back in the home. He goes to her room to visit with her. She sees him. She tells him she misses him. She remembers him.

Allie: Do you think our love, can take us away together?

Duke: I think our love can do anything we want it to.

Allie: I love you.

Duke: I love you, Allie.

Allie: Good night.

Duke: Good night. I'll be seeing you.

They sleept away together. They died together.

Duke: They didn't agree on much. In fact they rarely agreed on anything. They fought all the time and they challenged each other everyday...

Young Noah: [Allie and Noah are fighting] Don't push me! [Allie pushes Noah anyway]

Duke: ...But in spite their differences, they had one important thing in common, they were crazy about each other.

"So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day."

That's real love.

Everybody has somebody!

Hello Blog World!
My trip to TN is over. I am back to reality. I will post pictures and give updates as soon as I can.

I checked my email this morning and just *had* to post this little Garfield comic. It’s cute but sad for me at the same time… everybody has somebody… *sigh*
Enjoy!

My Trip Begins...

Now is there any question as to what is on my agenda for today...?
My desktop image changes automatically and this reminder popup just seem so nice together. This was the first thing I logged in to see this morning and I said to myself... "I gotta blog this!"
Guess this is a good sign...
I'm outtie... Leaving for FL.

Hurricane Felix

Looks like we’re in the centre of the hurricane dart board this year!

Although we were not directly hit by Dean, we did sustain significant damage especially to the south of the island. Some places still do not have electricity. We were lucky enough to have ours return within 48 hours of it being off. I was even back at work by the Tuesday… reluctantly of course!

The island is still in clean up mode. We lost a lot of foliage. Some people, as close to me as my immediate neighbor, even lost a part or some of their roof. We were very fortunate to only have damages to our awnings. The experience could have been a lot worse.

During the storm was scary. This one was different. We had a lot of wind and not as much rainfall. Even though you have some time to prepare for a hurricane before it actually hits… it’s like you still have to hope for the best because of the unpredictability.

So here we go again… Felix will probably bring us some rain. Another miss… too close for comfort for me but still thanking God.

Thank God for Closed Doors

We need to learn to thank the Lord for closed doors just as much as we do for open doors. The reason God closes doors is because He has not prepared anything over there for us. If he didn't close the wrong doorwe would never find our way to the right door. Even when we don't realize it, God directs our paths through the closing and opening of doors. When one door closes, it forces us to change our course. Anotherdoor closes; it forces us to change our course yet again. Then finally, we find the open door and walk right into our blessing.

But instead of praising God for the closed door (which kept us out of trouble), we get upset because we "judge by the appearances." And in our own arrogance, or ignorance, we insist that we know what is right. We have a very present help in the time of need who is always standing guard. Because He walks ahead of us, He can see trouble down the road and HE sets up road blocks and detours accordingly. But through our lack of wisdom we try to tear down the roadblocks or push aside the detour signs. Then the minute we get into trouble, we start crying "Lord how could this happen to me?" We have got to realize that the closed door was a blessing. Didn't He say that "No good thing will He withhold from them that love Him?"

If you get terminated from your job - don't be down, instead thank God for the new opportunities that will manifest themselves - it might be a better job, or an opportunity to go to school. If that man or womanwon't return your call - it might not be them, it might be the Lord setting up a roadblock (just let it go). I'm so grateful, for the many times God has closed doors to me, just to open them in the most unexpected places.

"The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, and He delights in his way."

Psalms 37:23

The mountain top is glorious, but it is in the Valley that I will grow!

Martina McBride - Anyway

Not many people are in to country music. I like this song not because of the style or the singer but rather the simplicity and applicability of the lyrics.

In my personal life I am making some decisions now and ordinarily I would hesitate pending the outcome… but there comes a point where you can’t sit around waiting on all the answers before you proceed… go ahead and do it regardless.

A friend in a similar situation also said on her blog… “Be careful not to let a good thing pass because it's not perfect...” Just do it anyway…

T - This song is for you and I!

Enjoy…

Martina McBride - Anyway
You can spend your whole life building
Something from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

This world's gone crazy
It's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
In a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway

God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
Yea - I do it anyway

You can pour your soul out singing
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yea, sing it anyway
Yeah, yeah!

I sing
I dream
I love anyway

Punctuation Prissy

I discovered another pet peeve of mine today…

Peeve #2
Thou shalt use the correct punctuation symbols.

Hey… I am not perfect. But when people constantly confuse using the accent mark (` - found on the same key as the tilde around the top left part of the keyboard) with a single quote (‘ – on the same key with the double quote) it peeves me.

They look alike but there’s a big difference. Please try to figure it out. Thank you!

Hurricane Dean

So now we’re bracing ourselves for the first major Hurricane of this season in the Atlantic region. Already it has begun to rain here. The eye, where the storm is the most intense, will pass over the south of our island… which is where I live. It’s already begun to rain.

I know how hurricanes can be. This is my fourth one for experience – Gilbert, Andrew, Ivan and now Dean. I’ve been blessed and fortunate to not have suffered in any of the first three which are major renowned ones. Let’s hope luck is still on my side with Dean. We’ve also had some tailwinds from others that I am not counting – simply a tropical storm. All a part of living in the tropics.

Of course some communication will be limited. We will lose electricity and all other associated lifestyle comforts including water supply. All we can do is be as best prepared as possible to face the inevitable. No control… just hope and a prayer.

To all persons being touched my Dean, I wish you luck and Godspeed. If you weren’t a religiously inclined person before… I think it’s about time to start.

God have mercy on us.

Pet Peeves

pet peeve

n. Informal

Something about which one frequently complains; a particular personal vexation.
- Dictionary.com

I decided to write about my own pet peeves not in one long, ranting post but as an ongoing list. I’ll even give these kinds of posts their own tag.

Peeve #1
Thou shalt not tell me to calm down when I’m passionately making a point.

I HATE it when I am in the middle of being passionate about a point and people hitch a reverse and tell me to “calm down.” It annoys me to the core. You are not my psych and I am not a nut case. If I want to get excited… let me! That’s just how I am. Hearing those words is like driving at 100mph and suddenly slamming into a brick wall. I mean… wtf…

I know what you’re thinking… but please don’t say it. That’s the irony of this post even…

The Fragile Happy Home

On Friday evening I went to visit a close coworker of mine. She recently moved in to my neighborhood – literally a minute away. She invited me over to take a look at the place and to be in on a little sewing project another mutual friend is spearheading. However, what was supposed to be a fun and productive evening didn’t end up quite as planned.

A little background on my friend Ruth. She is a Jehovah’s Witness, a wife and mother to three children and on the brink of divorce while also diagnosed with clinical depression. Therein are all the problems. She moved from the family home to where she is now to get away from the horrible situation her husband created.

I just had to mention her real name because of its significance. While I might not agree with her on all her religious beliefs as a Witness, I admire her faith in her Jehovah. Just like Ruth from the Bible, she displays a wholehearted devotion to her God. She is all about living right – a good Witness life. In everything she includes her Jehovah. Always thanking Him. Always finding Him and His blessing in all situations. If ever I admired someone for their devotion, it is this woman.

Funny enough though, I have heard them say that when you decide to serve your God is when the devil tempts you more as a Christian than if you were pagan. Satan already knows he has pagans packed on the road to hell. So Christians are his challenge to get.

Her husband has been unfaithful in the past - over six years ago, and she forgave him. In fact, make up sex produced the last child. He has since faltered without regret. Even up until the point of the second infidelity, she was willing to forgive him. The final straw was when he was disfellowshipped. This is when a baptized Witness has been disassociated from the faith because of their decision to not seek forgiveness or right the wrong in their way. In Ruth’s eyes, her husband no longer loves Jehovah and so she can’t have those feelings for someone who has fallen from Truth.

As you can well imagine, being clinically depressed does not help in all this. Thank God we work where we do, otherwise I am sure she would be jobless by now with all the time she has taken off from work to get better, etc. Most things bother her. Crying a lot. She has a lot of migraines too.

She has not been sleeping in the same bed with her husband since a little before he was disfellowshipped. He has also been flaunting the girls in her face. He would call them and flirt with them in her presence. He also has been taking the children to meet one woman in particular who he also brought in to their home when she was away for a weekend visiting her parents in the country. The children are also placed in a precarious situation where they are almost keeping secrets for their daddy with regards to where they’re going and with whom. He even hit her in her back one day in front of their son!

This move was like a dream come through and the timing was impeccable in light of all that was happening. She would end up sharing half of a house would another Witness, also a divorcee and who has two children of her own. Great! Right? The children will be playmates for each other. The roomie will understand her plight too. A match made in heaven while sharing expenses too. Finally, some light at the end of the tunnel. She moved out on Monday right after he left for work. She was happy. It felt liberating. We were happy for her.

No matter how much of a failure her husband was as a spouse, she would never speak ill of him as the father of her children. She would always acknowledge how good he was as a daddy and how he placed them as priority. This, upon closer examination, needs some rethinking considering he tore apart their family with infidelity. So out of respect for him, she told him where she had his children. She also made it abundantly clear that she is not restricting him from seeing them. They will just need to communicate to make proper arrangements.

So the next day, he came to the gate to pick up the children. The following day he came in to the front door to wait. By the third morning he barged in to the house in the bathroom where she was taking a shower to have discussions with her. He clearly does not get the fact that moving out implies certain limitations. His actions of course upset Ruth and she went to the police to have them call him and warn him that he cannot impose on her new living arrangements like that. This man has no respect for other people’s space. The next step of course would be a restraining order which I sense she is reluctant to do.

So Ruth and her roomie share a lot in common – including the depression and a horrible husband. Turns out Ms. Roomie had a horrible divorce where her husband stalked her and it took a long while for her to get over it and start over. The whole scenario of the obnoxious husband brought all the memories rushing back and triggered the depression. So, after four days she explained how she felt and asked Ruth to leave. Talk about numbing. All this went down while I was there on Friday.

So the saga starts all over again. My friend Ruth is now on another hunt for a place.

I felt drained by the time I left that house. I empathize with Ruthy so much. I wish I could help. I was in tears before I left. My friend Deb and I just hugged and cried outside the house. Our hearts go out to all of them. Poor children. Their mothers are a mess. I don’t want to end up like that. That is some severe emotional abuse right there.

Just goes to show how fragile we are as people and the facade we call life. Hats off to these ladies. They have an envied inner strength. I can only hope when I grow up I can pull of life a little more stably. I can only pray.

Questions, Expectations and Answers

I think we’re all guilty of at some time asking something of someone and because of past experience or some influence, we’ve built up what we would like the response to be. Usually this expectation is something that will swing the question in the way we please. However, this is the remedy for disaster when we don’t get the response we would like.

What I would like for us to remember is that when a question is asked, that the response can be at least either of two outcomes – an affirmative and a negative. It doesn’t make the person who gives you an answer a bad person if they don’t respond in the way they expect you to. By virtue of the fact that you asked a question of them, you gave them a choice and they have every right to exercise any option they feel suits them.

Where does all of this come from? LOL Funny enough at work. I was in my little cubicle one day on the phone doing some research on parts I needed to get for my car. A guy from another department happened to come by my department, looked at my desk which is in clear view from the door, sighted some mangoes I had on my desk and proceeded to come by to stand right at my desk.

I didn’t put the call on hold because it was really important - a cellular phone call at that, and the person I was speaking with was in kind of a rush. This bold young man stands and waits by my desk no less than 2 minutes while I rushed through the call. After all his waiting earnestly has got to be important. At the end of the call, I acknowledge him, “Yes Ryan?” His response, “I can get one of your mangoes?” while pointing to the three fruits on my desk as if I didn’t know what a mango was.

I was in shock. You came in to my cubicle. Stood there for over 2 minutes within listening range of my personal call to come ask me for a mango? Could you not have left when you saw me on the phone and come back later to request it? Such gall!

“No…” and I feel no remorse. Had he not intruded on the little space I am given from 8am to 5pm like that I would have given him one. How rude!! It’s not an office but that 6’ x 6’ space is mine and is to be kept private no matter how open it may seem.

Needless to say I am in his black book. I am sure. But! I don’t care. Sorry.

There goes the months of good coworker relations shot to hell in 5 minutes. LOL Ah well….

Plight of a Plump Madame

*Warning... This could step on some toes...*

It’s funny how easily blogging is getting these days. Many things are happening and as I have thoughts about them I reach for Word® and just jot them down.

This story resonates with me because I was once in a very similar situation. I overheard this young girl at my office talking to another close co-worker of mine – close in desk proximity and close in relationship too, hence the overhearing.

Imagine being the “friend” to a member of the opposite sex to help them through some of the tougher times while they go through a breakup. We’ll call the friends Jack and Jill. Jill was very supportive of Jack while he went through a bad breakup. She was his everything really. A rock of support to help him through. During this time Jack and Jill became close and did things together and shared a lot together. They were evolving.

Jack then started to become a little distant. Jill wrote it off as him settling in to his new single life. Well settle in he did. Turns out Jill would glimpse Jack around her workplace often. He even came there on “business” once and after saying hello to Jill he went to another department. Jill called that department to speak with him and was given a little attitude by a member of that department. Jill found this very strange and even wondered if she was over-reacting. She wrote it off as just a bad day.

Anyway, Jill keeps seeing Jack come to her workplace and not even call to hail her. Jack calls Jill recently to tell her how much he is grateful for the friendship they have. He also sincerely hopes he is not doing anything to damage their relationship in any way. But he also has something important to tell her… Jack is dating someone from her workplace. She puts two and two together and knows exactly who it is. The same Miss Thing who gave her attitude and she confirms.

Jill is a nice girl. She is a plump Madame but overall a great catch. She feels hurt by the incident. Yet another skinny girl walks in and no matter how kind and sensitive the man is…

I know how she feels. As a full figured woman myself, our picking for mates are always limited. You’ve got to be real lucky to find a good catch. Otherwise it’s the dregs that are left for the taking. I must admit that I have not been unlucky in this respect but it doesn’t mean I didn’t come across my share of the jerks.

It’s like no one looks at personality anymore. It’s all about the figure. We didn’t ask to be fat. Everyone was not created with the same metabolism. Why do we suffer? Why do we suffer alone? Just sad. It’s almost like we have a contagious disease.

To all my fluffy sisters out there… hang in there. I feel your pain. Better must come. Look forward to the day when all the Jacks out there are in pain again and know that someday you’ll want me to want you but I will be with someone who wants me more.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

It’s true what they say… "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." Isn’t life funny like that? Imagine trying to do something good and it backfires in your face. Well intended acts can have disastrous results. Just sad.

I’ve never felt like that statement was more appropriate than just now. Imagine being in an excellent mood and pretty playful. I overheard that a friend was going on some fabulous trip which sounded pretty exciting. It was told to a mutual friend. It isn’t a secret or anything like that. So I decided to ask about the impending vacation in a cutsie way so I could get more details straight from the source.

Me: So… what’s new?
I get a list of things…
Me: Good for you (Y)
Me: Nothing else...? *-)
3rd Party: nothing else came to mind
Me: lol
Me: Nothing else happening soon?
3rd Party: like?
Me: I dunno.
Me: Things you would find in a fortune cookie.
Me: Maybe you're gonna come across some money
Me: Or you'll find true love
Me: Or you'll travel
Me: Or you'll be happy
Me: Or... you know... those things!
Me: :D
3rd Party: havent had chinese in a while

So after that I just came out and asked the person about the travel plans and whether or not they wanted me to know… That conversation right there pissed them off and I was accused of trying to deceive them. Puhlease give me more credit than that. My phishing expeditions are a lot craftier than that. Hmph!!

Needless to say it shot my good mood to shit. I can’t believe how that backfired. It was supposed to be a fun moment. I was even bouncing in my chair. :(

After all of that… I am just pessimistic. Good thing it happened. I don’t need that kind of negativity anyway. Pfffffft… Totally put off.

I will take accusations when they’re even in near range of the target. But that one? Waaaaaaaaay off base.

Grown Up Stuffs

I think I am at the stage in my life where all the perfect little couples around the place that I know are getting married, having babies and doing the grown up thing. I am sincerely happy for them all. I am looking at 2 more weddings for this year and 2 more next year already with 2 babies on the way too.

Funny how life turns out though. Back in high school I used to be branded as one of the more mature (ha!) girls who would settle down fast and get married and do the mom thing with the picket fence a dog, cat and fish. I have the dog… does that count?

I distinctly remember my first boyfriend’s promise that I would be the first of my peers married and settled. I just threw that one on the pile of empty promises he made. Thank God he broke that promise though!! This he said while criticizing my best friend in high school for being immature. God was he a jerk.

Anyway… I now look at my life and I wonder if I have failed. I mean, hell I am only 24 but at this age people start looking at you and wondering what you’re doing with your life. I feel the pressure of the judging eyes and sometimes I just cave in and worry about my state too.

But you know… realistically… am I ready? I know of a 40 year old who just got married and was pregnant while preparing for the wedding. Neat huh? Having no one judge you for having a baby without being married at that age. She’s just happy as a lark marrying her doctor. She waited. Her career is booming. She’s settled and ready. More power to you. By that age I think I would have committed social suicide.

Even though I personally would not want to wait until 40 to have children it seems the best time when you’re prepared. You’re over lots of little issues and are on cruise control. I am the product of growing up with parents old enough to be your grandparents and I just wouldn’t want to be that way with my children. The generation gap makes it very difficult. Trust me. It’s not been all bad. Just difficult to come to terms with certain realities like they might not know their grandchildren. The morals from raising a child the old way are priceless though. In some ways it has allowed me to set my priorities straight when compared to people around my age.

Then there’s the other side of the spectrum… people getting married too young. While it does work out for some, it ends miserably for others. I know persons married in their early 20s who end up divorced years later for a myriad of reasons ranging from abuse to infidelity. I wouldn’t want to be there. Especially with kids in the middle.

There’s the middle ground kind of relationships too – less serious but definitely committed. Just having fun with that one person you can rely on. Those are cool too. Seems to be more where I am comfortable now too. Sharing the same interests –socially, emotionally, politically, economically, sexually, financially, etc. Breeding ground for the next phase of seriousness. This kind is really cool for young people. Which I was there... *sigh* Someday...

No one can dictate when you’re ready for a venture like this but yourself. I need to reassure myself of this and find my happy place in my situation.

Expectations

I know it’s been a long time since I have blogged. I just didn’t feel like to be honest. I imagine that this is pretty much how this will progress – on and off. Not very good for maintaining a good reader base but alas it cannot be helped. As an avid reader of a few blogs myself, I expect a regular update to be interested.

Funny enough the topic on my mind tonight is very similar… Expectations. That’s the general gist anyway. To be specific, what do we expect from the various relationships we have? Do we expect more than is humanly possible to give?

They say only siths believe in absolutes (for you Star Wars fans out there, w00t!). Either it’s black or white – no grey. Either you’re with me or you’re not. Isn’t religion like that though? When we sin, we sin against God and hence are not a part of his fold. But He is merciful and forgives when sincerely asked. If you don’t recognize the wrong to ask for forgiveness, then you’re not with Him. So is believing in absolutes so wrong?

When I get close to someone I usually give a lot of myself, my time, my resources, my emotions and in general my love and concern. Different levels of people get different combinations of the above and then some. But the dilemma isn’t really at selecting what level to bump someone up or down to… it’s that I expect reciprocation to the same degree.

Someone I thought I used to love once told me that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you expect, doesn’t mean that they don’t love you with all they have inside of them. You can’t make someone like or love you. And if all they have to offer to you is not enough then just move on.

But really… you can’t make someone like or love you? How true is that? If you keep giving to someone in the ways they need isn’t it human nature to gravitate toward that person who gives you that sated feeling? I don’t know… but anyway… I digress.

When you become so vulnerable in your relationships, you become sensitive to things that the person does to you. The more you care is inversely proportional to how much you let things not bother you. More caring = less impervious. So this increased sensitivity breeds all kinds of things if it gets out of control like anger, jealousy, resentment, alienation, etc.

These emotions are backward progressive because it ultimately will push someone away. Yet, we do them anyway. Why? Maybe it’s temporary insanity. Maybe you’re a glutton for pain. Maybe you figure if they go away then you’re making the cause of these emotions go away. Yet, when they’re gone, you miss all they brought to your life. Go figure.

So how do we prevent this altercation from happening? When we get close to someone do you expect them to just know that what they’re doing hurts you? Are they mind readers? How else will they know what they specifically have done really offended you if you don’t tell them? When do you tell them? Do you just let them figure it out? Do you wait until you have calmed down to tell them? What if you’re afraid that they won’t understand where you’re coming from because you just can’t explain it that well? What if you let them in to how you’re thinking and they end up judging you and hurt your feelings? Do we expect too much for them to just know us that well and figure it out?

I expect a lot. And I always get disappointed and hurt. Sometimes I just want to be and stay in my own little box. Been there and done that though and I don’t like it anymore than being hurt. Where’s my grey area then? I’m still learning.

*sigh*

The Cycle of Life

I happened across this poem by one of my favourite writers - you have got to be your own biggest supporter! *smile*

Enjoy! I would also appreciate it if you wouldn't reuse my work without my permission. Thanks much!

The Cycle of Life
Life is a conundrum, or so it may seem,
Being manipulated by a rigorous regime.
Caught in a web where everyone is no one,
We all suffer the same fate – like father like son.

Each vicious cycle, all guaranteed to end.
A fate that not even time can transcend.
Battered and bruised by the ravenous tide,
Subscription to Glory - access denied.

Lack of a conscience is a filthy perfume.
Hatred so innate, imbrued in the womb.
A curse that defies scruples and reasons,
The mob that rejects a Man For All Seasons.

Enslaved is the mind, heavily burdened by chains,
Wisdom is like venom coursing through your veins.
Like a whore at her wedding debauch and unadorned,
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Fate hangs in the balance and the more fear you display,
In the blink of an eye even predators can become prey.
Playing with life is The Most Dangerous Game,
The afterlife blazes and earth fuels the flame.

Bad Day

You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...
1. Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
2. You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
3. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
4. Your birthday cake collapses from weight of the candles.
5 When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
6. It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
7. Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
8. Your income tax refund check bounces.
9. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
10. People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
11. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
12. You put both contacts into the same eye.
13. Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
14. Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
15. You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.
16. Nothing you own is actually paid for.
17. You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any.
18. The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.
19. You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
20. The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.

Gas Prices vs ?

What if you were to buy a gallon of . . .
1. - Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon
2. - Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon
3. - Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon
4. - Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon
5. - Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon
6. - Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon
7. - STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon
8. - Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon
9. - Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon
10. - Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon
11. - Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon

Relationships - 20 Questions

I hear a lot of people talk about problems they have or have had in past relationships and then in turn question themselves to wonder, “Why can’t I find a good man / woman?”

What makes a good man or woman? Why can’t we all find one that’s good for us?

Not to sound a little cliché but you know how the grass is always greener on the other side? At what point do we really determine that the grass can indeed be much better over there? Do we wait until something drastic happens to know that there must be better? A kind of hitting rock bottom scenario. Or do we obsess over the little things that we wish we could change until we’re just fed up and move on to someone else that has other little things that we equally can’t stand? In the latter case, which is the greener grass at all? Or… do we just settle?

You ever see or hear other people’s experience and wonder, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I have that too?” Maybe it’s just not your time and you’re still being prepared for who you’re meant for. Then how will we know when we’re done being prepared? And what of free will?

You know that phase where you meet each other’s representative when you’re new in to forging a relationship? So fake, isn’t it? But wouldn’t it be great if it was real and it lasted?

And what of soul mates? Do they even exist? Are we stupid to hold out for one?

Does it take some amount of maturity to embrace the flaws of someone you care about rather than bitching about what they are not? Is that the preparation they’re referring to?

When does this vicious cycle end?

How can you help being a cynic when you feel like you’re constantly being dealt a bad hand?

No Monday Blues Here

So I was reading someone else’s blog who was bemoaning the fact that today was Monday and the associated belly aching. For once I did not feel like that. Funny enough the beginning of the day didn’t foreshadow how it was going to end up.

I was late for work. Not by much – just 10 minutes, but late nonetheless. I hate being late… especially on a Monday morning. It’s my mom’s fault… she’d always drill it in my head when I was going to school that Monday mornings set the precedence for the remainder of the week. Hence everything should be as perfect as possible. So I guess for the remainder of the week I will be late but productive at work.

I got so much accomplished today - I fully deserve my pay. I had no time to twiddle my thumbs and be bored… I… liked it. Weird huh? I liked being busy at work. It felt so good. A million emails. Different tasks. And the best part? None doled out by HER! HALLELUJIAH! I have found my niche and I am holding on to it for dear life.

I like being in control of my work. Pacing myself. Doing things my way. I don’t need to dot my Is and cross my Ts like you Missy. If I want them slant, it’s just my style. Hmph… Gee… this wasn’t meant to be a rant…

I am looking forward to the next few months. I don’t know how one good day can change my outlook for the next few months but whatever works to get me motivated I will run with it.

Tomorrow’s another day and the only difference I want is to be on time.

My 24th Birthday Review

So the birthday came and went. I am older but I don’t feel much different.

I truly enjoyed the day. Since I have been at work no one has had a celebration for their birthday they way they did for mine. I truly feel special.

I was bought lunch. I don’t even know what it is called but it tasted great! I know it had chicken in it. Muh friends at work decorated the training room – purple balloons and tablecloth. The cake was also purple. I wonder why they think I like purple so much? Could it be because of the colour of my car? *smile*

The surprise is funny though… We were talking about uniforms for the company and they had this puke looking yellow like when you’ve had bad curry, as a choice for materials. I am saying it isn’t even a consideration because it’s so ugly so they wasted one of our options. Then my friends said that I should join then in the training room where they’re going to talk with the HR lady. So I was distracted and not looking for the usual signs of a plan and then SURPRISE! I was truly blown away when I walked in.

After work we went to chill at a co-worker’s house. I left and came home to have dinner with my family and my mom got me another cake and there was wining and dining. Small and intimate. That was another pleasant surprise. So I did the family thing and went back to my co-worker’s house for the night.

It was a good day overall. Lots of little things. Little phone calls from people I did not expect. Lots of people forgot too but it doesn’t bother me like it used to. I was too busy enjoying the people who did remember. That’s a more optimistic life for ya! I hope I can keep it up for the rest of the year.

I even had incidents where my day was almost ruined. But you know what? I tried to separate myself from people like that. I was determined to not have my day ruined and good going for me too.

I’m happy to be 24. It’s a vast improvement over the last few years even just for the first day. Thank God for another Birthday and I hope that the happy trend will continue for the rest of this year and for hopefully the many more birthdays to come.

Happy Birthday Eve

So I did my hair and my nails today. Not for any particular occasion tomorrow but just cause I want to look and feel pretty and feminine.

Work is interesting lately. I think I am holding my own so far and it’s been good. No more infringement on my brain space and work hours by Delegators®... yet! I know next week is already forecasting gloomy. I have some wheels turning on a few projects I am owning. I have my fingers and toes crossed on these. I need to make my mark at work and now is an awesome time to do it.


There’s this new girl at work though. I don’t have to directly interact with her but she gets on my nerves a little bit. I don’t hate her or anything, but she’s so nuff (read: inquisitive) and a bit obnoxious in the way she behaves. And the singing… I hope I don’t snap one day when I am in a bad mood. It’s like she’s been there for years and acts so friendly and in to everyone and so informal (read: borderline disrespectful) when she’s speaking to people who have some authority over her. And she’s loud! By golly do you need to SCREAM everyone’s name?


So tomorrow I have more work than I was counting on but I need to pull strings together. Hopefully tomorrow will be a good easy-going happy day for me… that’s all I ask.

Which Sex and the City Vixen Are You?

You Are Most Like Charlotte!

You are the ultimate romantic idealist. You've been hurt before, but that hasn't caused you to give up on love. If anything, your resolve to fall in love is stronger than ever. And it's this feminine optimism that men find most appealing about you. Romantic prediction: That guy you are seeing (or crushing on)? Could be very serious - if you play your cards right!

Which Sex and the City Vixen Are You?

Reality Check

I don’t know why I am on Cloud Nine today but I think I should descend for a bit. Usually when I am in a good mood it is setting myself up for a harder fall. Same concept as why your chances of survival decrease the higher the number of stories you fall from.

In all honesty I know I was riding the wave today because I am excited at doing things for people I care about on their special day. It might seem pessimistic but I don’t want to indirectly expect reciprocation and end up disappointed.

It’s just another day. No big deal. I don’t know why this is happening to me this year. For 7 years in a row I have taken in low key and it’s been just that… underplayed. Why will this year be any different? Go figure…

I best be careful I don’t descend in to the basement with this one…

It’s a lovely day today!

I am in an awesome mood. I guess the Birthday spirit abounds.

Today is muh friend Deb’s birthday and she’s as bubbly as me. Just one of the personality traits we share.

Tomorrow is a new found friend’s birthday too.

Thursday is a former co-worker’s birthday.

And Friday is the end of the week to end all birthday weeks. *grin*

Somewhere in between that I will fit in work.

He cares...

God is good. He answers prayers. Thank You, Jesus!
Amen.

Relationships

When people forge relationships they have certain rules that they implement either consciously or sub-consciously. I’ve come across a few rules from people I know and the most common one is don’t cheat. I would hope that that would be a rule in every relationship but apparently some people can live with a wandering spouse.

I am not saying I couldn’t forgive someone for cheating on me. I accept and understand that we are human and humans make mistakes. But to repeatedly commit such an act is beyond me.

I was having a conversation among friends last night and mentioned that a person we all knew was going through a rough time now with the passing of his mother-in-law. His wife is here for the funeral proceedings – she lives in the USA, while he makes life out here. It is not a secret that he has another woman out here who lives with him on a daily basis – except when the wife is around.

Posted proudly in his bedroom is also a nude picture of him and the matey (woman on the side) where he is playing with her nipple. Now funny enough I have to wonder about that picture… it is still hung up even though the wife is in town. I wonder if the wife has spent any time at his residence and perhaps that is the reason why it is still up on the wall… who knows.

In any event, due to circumstances beyond his control, he cannot return to the USA. So the only time when he and his wife get together is on one of her infrequent trips to Jamaica. Among the group, I was shocked to see how many persons were understanding of the fact that he needed someone out here and that the wife probably had someone in the States too!! Furthermore, they probably know about each other’s outsider and just accept it with an understanding that when they’re together they will be together like husband and wife and whilst apart they will get satisfied elsewhere.

Now I don’t know if I could subscribe to such a rule in my relationship. I would rather be divorced. Maybe that’s the immature side of me, but I just can’t deal with something like that. Surprisingly too, that someone in that conversation was actually someone whose number one conscious rule is also that cheating is unforgivable – yet he could understand the man’s life…? Go figure!

Another rule I have found in men is the hitting rule. One man I know says that if you hit him then and only then will he have to hit you back. This makes me wonder about those fortunate Hollywood stars who smack men across the face when they’ve said something cheeky. Another man I know says he won’t hit you back, but it could be the end of your relationship with him if you hit him – cause Lord knows he would be so pissed and bitch slap you in to the next century if you ever did that to him. Whoa…

I am trying to think of the rules I employ in my relationships. I guess I got homework and it also makes for another post.

Good cat?

So I got this cartoon via email this morning and it made my day.

Got to love the sense of humor of that cat!

Age Controversy

I intended to start off the week at work on the right foot. But that got sidetracked and I decided to constructively idle the first few hours away by reading the local papers. Interestingly enough I came across this article with a subject matter that has always sparked an opinion from me.

Conveniently, while channel surfing this weekend, I also came across a special on Anna Nicole Smith’s life: from Guess Model to Playboy Girl to wife of billionaire to 2nd time mother burying first child to paternity battle. What a life! But anyway, the most important aspect was her marriage to J. Howard Marshall.

It sparks the question in everyone’s mind when they see someone who is old enough to be your parent dating a much younger person, what the motivation for such a relationship could be. I honestly believe that people have different experiences in life that affects the decisions that they make. Even if it’s not for love or sincere feelings for the person – if each individual gets what they need from the union then it works for them. What works for them might not work for us – and who are we to judge? They probably feel the same way about the relationships we forge.

Based on my own life experiences – it is easy for me to have a friendship with someone much older. I am an only child to much older parents who could very well be my grandparents. In fact, I have 1st cousins who are old enough to be my parents.

My socialization as a child required far more maturity than a regular kid would need to display. There was no “Kids’ Table” at family functions, which meant that you needed to have good table manners, proper deportment and etiquette. It meant that to not be bored you had to wrap your mind around adult conversation to read in the context of big words and adult issues. It means getting a reality check about life before you had time to dream and fantasize.

Being raised this way clearly has its pros and cons. Childhood wasn’t all fun and fancy free because you learnt very early that there are consequences to your actions. Bottom line – it makes you mature. However, I am still a big kid at heart. I can have a discussion with a 60 year old about pension schemes and how the Government doesn’t really provide enough for senior citizens, and in the next breath I can be making spit bubbles with a 2 year old that just discovered how to use their tongue and lips to do so! Maybe when I am older I will have the “fun” I thought missed out on as a child and be wearing spandex at age 45 when things don’t hang in the place they are supposed to. LOL

At this stage in my life my needs for a relationship is pretty much a reflection of how I was brought up too. If I can get the stability, the love, the emotional support and the excitement I need from a 60-year-old man I wouldn’t care about his age nor what other people think. Age is just a number. On the flip side though, I honestly don’t think I can get that from the average 18 year old - he’d need too much of the excitement and wouldn’t be able to provide much of the stability. Such a one would have to be exceptional – maybe someone brought up with the same mindset. But at the end of the day, it’s still not taboo in my book.

Sometimes I think my open-mindedness will be my ruin.

First Post for 2k7

Sometimes things work a certain way and I am not too sure why, but I pray to GOD that someone out there knows why the things that happen the way they do, does – I’m sure.

So after reading that over and if you understand that sentence… let’s proceed. *smile*

I made a post explaining my frumpy mood and it disappeared. I am not sure how I tagged it as a draft but I was quite upset that it didn’t post. I was in no mood to do damage control and so I once again neglected my blog. I hope I am not this way as a parent… Needless to say I recovered the post and so I can now continue.

Merry Christmas!

Happy New Year!

… Better late than never…

My holidays were eventful – but eventful in my own boring way. I told someone I met recently that I tend to be boring and his response was that your life is what you make it. He's absolutely right and that is profound to me. Thanks AH. For 2007 I will make my life how I want it to be and no matter how it is, it's clearly what I am satisfied with, otherwise I would do something to change it because no one else can but me.

My Aunt came to visit for Christmas and she ended up staying in to the New Year. It’s always great to have her around. So the entire season was about family for me and I really enjoyed it like that. We took a trip around the east coast of the island. Did dinners. Watched movies. Played Uno – lol which incidentally were some of the longest rounds of Uno I have EVER played. It took us about four hours to finish one particularly engaging round.

In the back of my mind I have been mulling around with thoughts of the New Year and what I would like to share with you. That post will come eventually. But in the mean time I got this via a friend of mine in email and I think it’s great advice to any and every one for the upcoming year - there should be at least one thing in there that we can work on this year.

Don't date because you are desperate.

Don't marry because you are miserable.

Don't have kids because you think your genes are superior.

Don't philander because you think you are irresistible.

Don't associate with people you can't trust.

Don't cheat. Don't lie. Don't pretend.

Don't dictate because you are smarter.

Don't demand because you are stronger.

Don't sleep around because you think you are old enough and know better.

Don't hurt your kids because loving them is harder.

Don't sell yourself, your family, or your ideals.

Don't stagnate. Don't regress. Don't live in the past.

Time can't bring anything or anyone back.

Don't put your life on hold for possibly Mr/Mrs Right.

Don't throw your life away on absolutely Mr /Mrs Wrong because your biological clock is ticking.
Learn a new skill. Find a new friend. Start a new career.

Sometimes, there is no race to be won.

Only a price to be paid for some of life's more hasty decisions.

To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.

To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.

Don't bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.

To make yourself happy, pursue your passions and be the best of what you can be.

Simplify your life. Take away the clutter.

Get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends, nasty habits, and dangerous liaisons.

Don't abandon your responsibilities but don't overdose on duty.

Don't live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your family.

Be true to yourself.

Don't commit when you are not ready.

Don't keep others waiting needlessly.

Go on that trip. Don't postpone it. Say those words.

Don't let the moment pass.

Do what you have to, even at society's scorn.

Write poetry. Love Deeply. Walk barefoot.

Dance with wild abandon.

Cry at the movies.

Take care of yourself.

Don't wait for someone to take care of you.

You light up your life.

You drive yourself to your destination.

No one completes you - except YOU.

It is true that life does not get easier with age.

It only gets more challenging.

Don't be afraid.

Don't lose your capacity to love.

Pursue your passions.

Live your dreams.

Don't lose faith in your God.

Don't grow old. Just grow YOU!

All the Best for 2k7!