Obnoxious Children

Pet Peeve #3
Thou shalt keep thy obnoxious child(ren) away from me.

I know it's been a while since I have updated my peeves but this one happened today and I just HAD to blog about it.
I dunno, I guess my mother raised me differently and when children deviate from that and come in MY space and demonstrate their most reprehensible attitudes I want to slap them and then their mother. What's worse is when you speak to them and they just don't get it!
I dunno what kind of mother I will be and I hope that I won't grow too tired to teach my children better for them to not be seen in the same light as I do some of these ankle biters.
They need some advice from Cesar Milan - The Dog Whisperer: "Rules, Boundaries and Limitations." Jeez man!!

Queen's Engerlish

Hey, since we're now living in the time of technology and the more common use of the written language, it is time for an English lesson. So, with tongue firmly in cheek, here are some rules to keep in mind when using the Queen's Engerlish:
1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat).
6. Always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)unnecessary.
9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad too.
11. Contractions aren't helpful and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should never generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is probably not the best way to propose earth shattering ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Our Weird Language

• Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
• Why do some people use the expression 'Good Grief'? What is a Bad Grief?
• Why is the plural of goose-geese and not the plural of moose-meese?
• If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice why aren't two houses hice?
• If the plural of mouse is mice, what is the plural of spouse?
• Why do we say something is awfully good? What exactly do we mean by this?
• Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
• Can you have only one plural?
• Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?
• Can you be frequent infrequently?
• Why do people say 'This and That' as opposed to 'That and This'?
• If the plural of octopus is octopi and platypus is platypi what is the plural of schoolbus?
• Why is sphinges the plural of sphinx if there's only one?
• What's the difference between new and brand new?
• Why do North Americans fill a form out but the English fill it in?

Wanted: A REAL BOYFRIEND

Yeh... a guy like this would be nice... It'd be really nice.

1. When she stares at your mouth... Kiss her.
2. When she pushes you or hits you like she thinks she's stronger than you... Grab her and don't let go.
3. When she starts cussing you out, tryin to act all tuff... Kiss her and tell her you love her.
4. When she's quiet... Ask her whats wrong.
5. When she ignores you... Give her your attention.
6. When she pulls away... Pull her back.
7. When you see her at her worst... Tell her she's beautiful.
8. When you see her start crying... Just hold her and dont say a word.
9. When you see her walking... Sneak up and hug her waist from behind.
10. When she's scared... Protect her.
11. When she steals your favorite hat... Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night.
12. When she teases you... Tease her back and make her laugh.
13. When she doesn't answer for a long time... Reassure her that everything is okay.
14.When she looks at you with doubt... Back yourself up a bit.
15. When she says that she likes you... SHE REALLY DOES, MORE THAN YOU COULD UNDERSTAND!!!
16. When she grabs at your hands... Hold her's and play with her fingers.
17. When she bumps into you with her big ass hips ;)... Bump into her back and make her laugh.
18. When she tells you a secret... Keep it safe and untold.
19. When she looks at you in your eyes... Don't look away until she does.
20. When she says it's over... She still wants you to be hers (IT'S TRUE!).
21. When she plays with your face... She wants you to be hers forever.
22. When she reposts this bulletin... She wants you to read it.
23. Stay on the phone with her even if she's not saying anything.
24. When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go.
25. When she says she's ok dont believe it, talk with her.
26. Because 10 yrs later she'll remember you.
27. Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her.
28. Treat her like she's all that matters to you.
29. Stay up all night with her when she's sick.
30. Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think it's stupid.
31. Give her the world.
32. Let her wear your clothes.
33. When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.
34. Let her know she's important.
35. Kiss her in the pouring rain.
36. When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is; 'Who's the one I'm loving, baby?'

Rudyard Kipling - "If"

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling

Everyone Needs A Washing

A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Target. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout.

We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Target. We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.

The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in 'Mom let's run through the rain,' she said. 'What?' Mom asked.'Let’s run through the rain!' She repeated. 'No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit,' Mom replied.

This young child waited about another minute and repeated: 'Mom, let's run through the rain,' 'We'll get soaked if we do,' Mom said.'No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning,' the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm.

‘This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?’ 'Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!'

The entire crowd stopped dead silent. You couldn't hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes. Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say.

Now, some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith. 'Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If GOD lets us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing,' Mom said.

Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.

And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.

Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories.

So, don't forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday.

Life's Contradictions

• I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
• Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel sogood.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
• All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse getsthe cheese.
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Life through the eyes of a Realist

• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to belazy.
• Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
• I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that youtried.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after youneed it.
• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softnessof the bread.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal frommany is research.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.