Amazing Teamwork

You've Got A Friend

Daily Struggle...

Girls In My Circle

When I was little,
I used to believe in the concept of one best friend,
And then I started to become a woman.
And then I found out that if you allow your heart to open up,
God would show you the best in many friends.
One friend is needed when you're going through things with your man.
Another friend is needed when you're going through things with your Mum.
Another will sit beside you in the bleachers as you delight in your children and their activities.
Another when you want to shop, share, heal, hurt, joke, or just be..
One friend will say, 'Let's cry together,'
Another , 'Let's fight together,'
Another , 'Let's walk away together.'
One friend will meet your spiritual need,
Another your shoe fetish,
Another your love for movies,
Another will be with you in your season of confusion,
Another will be your clarifier,
Another the wind beneath your wings.
But whatever their assignment in your life,
On whatever the occasion,
On whatever the day,
Or wherever you need them to meet you with their gym shoes on and hair pulled back,
Or to hold you back from making a complete fool of yourself .
Those are your best friends.
It may all be wrapped up in one woman, But for many, it's wrapped up in several..
One from 5th grade,
One from high school,
Several from the University years,
A couple from old jobs,
On some days your mother,
On some days your neighbour,
On others, your sisters,
And on some days, your daughters.

If it's nothing why does it hurt?

You and your museum of lovers... The precious collection you've housed in your covers... Wanted and adored by attractive women... Bountiful selection at your discretion... I know I'm diving into my own destruction. My pregnant mind is fat full with envy again... But I still want to wash in your old bathwater!

Honda Vows

Our Father
Who Doesn't Recognize Any Other Engine
VTEC Be Thy Name
Thy Kingdom Come
VTEC Will Kick In
In Jamaica As It Does In Japan
Give Us This Day, Our Daily Kills
Whether It Be Toyota or Nissan
Forgive Those Who Repent Against The VTEC
And Deliver Us From Any Other Car
That Doesn't Wear The H Symbol
Amen

Cherish

"Cherish your visions. Cherish your ideals. Cherish the music that stirs in your heart, the beauty that forms in your mind, the loveliness that drapes your purest thoughts, for out of them will grow all delightful conditions, all heavenly environment, of these, if you but remain true to them your world will at last be built."
--James Allen, As A Man Thinketh

Thoughts For Today

1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

The Wonders of the Mysterious

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is themysterious. It is the source of all true art and allscience. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, whocan no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe,is as good as dead: his eyes are closed."
--Albert Einstein

Growing Up

"By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right,he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong."
-- Anonymous

Conflicting Proverbs

Actions speak louder than words.
The pen is mightier than the sword.

Look before you leap.
He who hesitates is lost.

Many hands make light work.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.

A silent man is a wise one.
A man without words is a man without thoughts.

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

Clothes make the man.
Don't judge a book by its cover.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Better safe than sorry.

The bigger, the better.
The best things come in small packages.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Out of sight, out of mind.

What will be, will be.
Life is what you make it.

Cross your bridges when you come to them.
Forewarned is forearmed.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
One man's meat is another man's poison.

With age comes wisdom.
Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings come all wise sayings.

The more, the merrier.
Two's company; three's a crowd.

Man got 1,197 piercings in one day

ARLINGTON, Texas - A Texas body modification enthusiast said he broke a Guinness World Record by receiving 1,197 piercings in a single day. Jeremy Stroud said Arlington body modification artist Tyson Turk spent about five hours May 2 inserting 800 needles into his back, 300 in his right arm, 50 in his leg and about 20 in his left arm, the Fort Worth (Texas) Star-Telegram reported. Stroud said the needles were removed at the end of the day but they left scars all over his body. "They're so close together that they leave a line. It kind of looks like I had stitches from my wrist all the way up to my shoulder," he said. Stroud said two emergency medical technicians were on hand during the record attempt, as well as a witness and a photographer to support his bid to make it into the record book. He said the original plan was 2,000 piercings, but the pain from the needles eventually started to catch up to him. "I made it to 1,200 and my body was getting ready to shut down," he said. "I had no idea what I was getting into."

What is your sign?

• AQUARIUS You have an inventive mind and are a progressive thinker. You also lie a lot and are inclined to be careless and impractical, making the same mistakes over and over. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.
  
  PISCES You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA. You have some influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. Underneath it all you lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their noses a lot.
  
  ARIES You are the pioneer type and have strong leadership tendencies, but you regard others with contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and don't take well to advice. You are a Melvin.
  
  TAURUS You are down to earth and persistent. You are de-termined and can work like hell. Most people think that you are a pig headed not the best. You're probably a communist.
  
  
  GEMINI You are quick and intelligent - a thinker. People like you because you are bisexual, You are also a cheap bar steward, expecting everything for nothing. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest.
  
  
  CANCER You are extremely sensitive by nature and very caring. You are a wimp, You are hopeless at making decisions and that is why you will always be on welfare and you will never be worth a lot.
  
  
  LEO Leo people are born leaders but most people think they are just pushy. Most Leo's are bullies. They are assholes who break down under honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo People are thieving bullies who kiss mirrors a lot.
  
  
  VIRGO You are the logical type and detest disorder. Nit-picking makes your friends sick. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgo's make good bus drivers and pimps.
  
  
  LIBRA Librans are lucky in employment and financial matters. You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male then you are probably queer. Most Libran woman are whores. All Librans die of V. D.
  
  
  SCORPIO You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will reach the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect Son of a bitch. Most Scorpio people are murdered.
  
  
  SAGITTARIUS You are optimistic and enthusiastic with a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. Most Sagitarians are drunks or pot heads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always messing things up.
  
  
  CAPRICORN you are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance, you should kill yourself.
  

Limited Stupidity?

"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped."
-- Elbert Hubbard

Dumb Warnings

These warnings are the consequences of numerous pointless lawsuits. In addition to the stupid warnings, you can also laugh at dumb bumper stickers, facts, criminal acts, and laws. Visit: DUMB WARNINGS

Having Money Helps

"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy."
-- Groucho Marx

Lego

"Whatever good things we build end up building us."
-- Jim Rohn (1930-), American entrepreneur, author, and motivational speaker.


LEGO creater Ole Kirk Christiansen's company originally sold and made wooden stepladders and ironing boards. In 1932, he started making wooden toys that were so popular he decided to sell them exclusively. The name LEGO means "play well" in Danish.

In 1949, LEGO acquired the design rights to a self-locking building block created by Kiddicraft in the U.K. Originally named Automatic Binding Bricks, there was a name change in 1953 to LEGO Bricks and the name LEGO is imprinted on all the bricks.

In the 1950s LEGO grew to include building sets, vehicles and assorted props to help create buildings and towns. A new patent in 1958 made the brick sturdier and flexible with a tube on the bottom of the LEGO brick.

Lego pieces of all varieties are a part of a universal system. Lego bricks from 1958 still interlock with those made in 2009, and Lego sets for young children are compatible with those made for teenagers.

The Lego Group's motto is "Only the best is good enough", a free translation of the Danish phrase Kun det bedste er godt nok. This motto was created by Ole Kirk to encourage his employees never to skimp on quality, a value he believed in strongly. The motto is still used within the company today.

Four billion LEGO mini-figures have been made since 1978. Four hundred billion bricks have been produced since 1958.

Life

Life is no straight and easy corridor along
which we travel free and unhampered,
but a maze of passages,
through which we must seek our way,
lost and confused, now and again
checked in a blind alley.

But always, if we have faith,
a door will open for us,
not perhaps one that we ourselves
would ever have thought of,
but one that will ultimately
prove good for us.”

A.J. Cronin

Whose Fault Is It...?

For My Favourite Architect

"A bold architectural statement turns a public building into a landmark, but it is in the details where the architect becomes the real storyteller."
-- Curtis W. Fentress (1947-), American architect, most recognized works are the Denver International Airport, Incheon International Airport in Seoul, Korea, and the Colorado Convention Center.

The History Of Casual Day

I wish we had a Jeans Day at work... but this certainly explains how management feels.

• Memo No. 1: Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.
• Memo No. 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
• Memo No. 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
• Memo No. 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.
• Memo No. 5: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.
• Memo No. 6: The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
• Memo No. 7: Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.

What Your Favorite Movies Were Almost Called

Pretty Woman - was almost called "3000" (the amount of money paid for a week's worth of the hooker's "company").

1. Back to the Future - was almost called "Spaceman from Pluto" because the studio believed that no movie with the word "future" in the title had ever succeeded at the box office.


2. Tootsie - was almost called "Would I Lie to You?" because of several scripted rewrites.


3. Boys Don't Cry - was almost called "Take It Like a Man", but thanks to a Cure song on the soundtrack "Boys Don't Cry" came out a winner.


4. Help! - was almost called "Eight Arms to Hold You" because Help was already registered so they added an exclamation point.


5. The Grapes of Wrath - was almost called "Route 66" due to the use of the historic highway during filming.


6. Annie Hall - was almost called "Anhedonia" which is the scientific term for the inability to experience pleasure. That's Woody Allen for you.


7. Blazing Saddles - was almost called "Tex X" as a play on civil rights leader Malcolm X.

Always Be Her Baby

"Grown don't mean nothing to a mother. A child is a child. They get bigger, older, but grown. In my heart it don't mean a thing."
Toni Morrison (1931-), Nobel Prize-winning American author, editor, and professor.

Bizarre Laws: Miscellaneous Edition

• A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.
• No woman may go in public without wearing a corset in Norfolk, Virginia.
• In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (including the wedding night)
• The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.
• In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.
• In Ames Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife.
• A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines.
• In Bozeman, Montana, you can't perform any sexual acts in the front yard of any home, after sundown, and if you are nude.
• A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weights more than three pounds, two ounces.
• Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.
• Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.
• During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.
• In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.
• In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.
• In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.

Love Thy Enemies

"The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good."
--Samuel Johnson, lexicographer (1709-1784)

Mom's Always Right

"My mom had a weekly court and we'd get tickets during the week. On Saturdays, my dad would be the judge and mom would be the prosecutor. We could state our case, but she was like MATLOCK - she always won!"
--MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE dad BRYAN CRANSTON recalls his own childhood.

Slinky Fun

"Some people are like slinkies... not really good for anything, but it's still fun to watch them tumble down the stairs."

-- Unknown

Top 10 Movie Line Misquotes

Do you think you know movie quotes? Well check out the top ten most misquoted movie lines. Dang, number six is wrong?!
Check 'em out here.

1. "Luke, I am your father" – Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
2. "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?" – Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)
3. "Do you feel lucky, punk?" – Dirty Harry (1971)
4. "Play it again, Sam" – Casablanca (1942)
5. "Hello, Clarice" – The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
6. "Beam me up, Scotty" – Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979)
7. "Frankly, Scarlett, I don't give a damn" – Gone With the Wind (1939)
8. "If you build it, they will come" – Field of Dreams (1989)
9. "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto" – The Wizard of Oz (1939)
10. "Mrs Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?" – The Graduate (1967)

Awkward Family Photo

Jim was kind enough to remind everyone to shake well.

Complexities of Love

No one falls in love by choice, it is by CHANCE.
No one stays in love by chance, it is by WORK.
And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by CHOICE.
-- Unknown

Bizarre Laws: Arizona Edition

• There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.
• Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.
• It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.
• Hunting camels is prohibited.
• Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony (This goes back to the days of the Wild West).
• You may not have more than two dildos per household.
• Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.
• A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.
• It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.

More Bizarre June Holidays

June 11 is National Hug Holiday and King Kamehameha Day
June 12 is Machine Day
June 13 is National Juggling Day and Kitchen Klutzes Of America Day
June 14 is Pop Goes The Weasel Day
June 15 is Smile Power Day
June 16 is National Hollerin' Contest Day
June 17 is Watergate Day and Eat Your Vegetables Day
June 18 is International Panic Day
June 19 is World Sauntering Day
June 20 is Ice Cream Soda Day

Stupidity Knows No Bounds

"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped."
-- Elbert Hubbard

Loving Yourself: The Cure

"Masturbation: the primary sexual activity of mankind. In the nineteenth century, it was a disease; in the twentieth, it is a cure."
--Thomas Szasz

Lost dog home after 8 years

AUSTIN, Texas - A Texas family said they have been reunited with their long-lost pet dog, but they do not know where the animal has been for the past eight years. Alison Murphy of Austin said she and her family offered a $500 reward for the return of their dog, Dancer, after the dog went missing eight years ago, but they received no word of the beloved pet until the Humane Society in New Braunfels, Texas, called last week, KVUE-TV, Austin, reported. The Humane Society told Murphy that a musician found the dog wandering the streets of New Braunfels, Texas, last week and brought it to the group's office, where workers used the dog's microchip to track down its owners. Murphy said the dog, which now answers to the name Fern, does not appear to have lived on the streets for very long. "Her teeth are in great shape," she said. "She just doesn't look like she's been on the streets for 11 years. Somebody's been taking care of her." "It's just wonderful to have her back," Murphy said. "She's older now and she's a little more mellow than she was, of course, as a younger dog but she still likes to go for walks first thing in the morn-ing. And she likes to cuddle at night. She's still the same old girl."

Children Do As You Do

Remember that children rely more on example than advice.
-- Anonymous

Draw Me Nearer

The Cross is the blazing fire at which the flame of our loveis kindled, and we have to get near enough for its sparks tofall on us.
-- J. Stott

Bizarre Laws: Florida Edition

• Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
• A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
• If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
• It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
• Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
• Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.
• You may not fart in a public place after 6 PM on Thursdays.
• Oral sex is illegal. You may not kiss your wife's breasts.
• Horse theft is still punishable by hanging.

Someday We'll Meet Again

"Time is not what you think. Dying? Not the end of everything. We think it is. But what happens on earth is only the beginning."
-- Mitch Albom (1958-Present), American best-selling author, journalist, screenwriter, playwright, radio and television broadcaster and musician.

Top 10 Dog Pet Peeves About Humans

• Yelling at me for barking. I am a dog


• Taking me for a walk then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?


• Any trick balancing food on my nose.


• Yelling at me for rubbing myself on your carpet. Why did you buy carpet?


• Getting upset when I sniff your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered the handshake thing yet.


• Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you are not home.


• Taking me to the vet for "The big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out everytime we go back.


• Doggie Sweaters.


• The sleight of hand, fake fetch throws. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

Chivalry *is* Dead

"Chivalry has changed from the days of Sir Walter Raleigh, but contrary to rumor, it hasn't died out altogether: A man will still lay his coat at the feet of a pretty girl; the difference is that nowadays it's intended to keep her back from getting dirty."
--Unknown

Aim Higher Than The Stars

“Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it, you will land among the stars.”
-- Les Brown

Colour Your World

"Mere color, unspoiled by meaning, and unallied with definite form, can speak to the soul in a thousand different ways."
-- Oscar Wilde, Irish playwright, poet and author of numerous short stories and one novel.

Bizarre June Holidays

• June 1 is Dare Day
• June 2 is National Rocky Road Day
• June 3 is Repeat Day
• June 4 is Old Maid's Day
• June 5 is Festival Of Popular Delusions Day
• June 6 is Teacher's Day and National Applesauce Cake Day June
• 7 is National Chocolate Ice Cream Day
• June 8 is Name Your Poison Day
• June 9 is Donald Duck Day
• June 10 is National Yo-Yo Day

Remove the Plank from Your Eye‏

"Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove the speck from your eye'; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."
--Matthew 7:1-5

"Don't be a fault-finding grouch; when you feel like finding fault with somebody or something, stop for a moment and think; there is apt to be something wrong within yourself."
-- J. J. Reynolds

Pride

“The most flammable kind of wood is the chip on the shoulder.”
-- E. Joseph Cossman

The News Is Depressing

"I always turn to the sports page first. The sports page records people's accomplishments; the front page nothing but man's failure."
--Chief Justice Earl Warren

A Little Knowledge Is A Dangerous Thing

"It's the tragedy of the world that no one knows what he doesn't know -- and the less a man knows, the more sure he is that he knows everything."
--Joyce Cary

Need To Be More Like A Cat

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want."
-- Joseph Wood Krutch (1893-1970), American writer, critic, and naturalist.

Dirty Mind

Mr. White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl's school, asked during class, "Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the appropriate con-ditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily, "Mr. White, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this." With that, she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. White. "Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied the chapter I assigned. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

Ralph Wiggum

Ralph Wiggum is Springfield Elementary's worst student, but as a character on 'The Simpsons' he has the best lines. If you don't believe me then check out this link and learn some of the most hilarious lines of dialogue ever said on "The Simpsons".

"Me fail english. That's unpossible."

Goodbye Almost Lover...

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you would never let forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

Go Away Sunny Day...

Virtuous Dilemma

"Virtue is its own punishment."
-- Aneurin Bevan

Where Is My Soulmate?

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
Is already in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Combating Negativity

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy -- meditate on these things.
-- Philippians 4:8

Although you cannot always control the negative thoughts that enter your mind, you do have control over how long you keep them there.

Judge quotes lewd poem in ruling

LUTON, England - A British divorce judge ruling in a custody case quoted a famous poem about parenting that included a four-letter profanity beginning with "f." Lord Justice Nicholas Wall said in granting custody to the mother of a 9-year-old boy -- a decision that overturned a lower court's ruling giving custody to the boy's grand-parents -- that both the mother and father had come "within a whisker" of losing their rights as parents, The Sun reported. Wall said the boy had been harmed by the parents' "ongoing mutual dislike and recriminations" toward one another after their relationship ended. The judge quoted Philip Larkin's 1971 poem, "This Be the Verse," saying: "They (expletive) you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had, and add some extra, just for you." Wall said the quoted lines "give a clear warning to parents."

Back to School

“Just when you think you’ve graduated from the school of experience, someone thinks up a new course.”
-- Mary H. Waldrip

Not Dressed Until You Put On A Smile

“We never know what ripples of healing we set in motion by simply smiling on one another.”

--Henry Drummond

Even More Bizarre May Holidays

• May 21 is National Memo Day and National Waitresses/Waiters Day
• May 22 is Buy-A-Musical-Instrument Day
• May 23 is Penny Day
• May 24 is National Escargot Day
• May 25 is National Tap Dance Day
• May 26 is Grey Day
• May 27 is Body Painting Arts Festival
• May 28 is National Hamburger Day
• May 29 is End Of The Middle Ages Day
• May 30 is My Bucket's Got A Hole In It Day
• May 31 is National Macaroon Day

The Perks of Being Over 60 Years Old

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m.
9. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room.
14. You sing along with the elevator music.
15. Your eyes won't get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

How People Are...

"When someone SHOWS you who they are.......believe them."
--Mayo Angelou

Bad Seed Diss

"I bet you're an only child," I said to this pain in the ass I was talking to.
"As a matter of fact, I am," he said. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"Nothing, really," I said. "It's just that there is a fine line between conception and indigestion."
"What?"
"I'm just saying that the night before you were conceived your mother may have swallowed what would have made a better person than you."

Inspiration: Wife & Window

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning, while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hang the wash outside.That laundry is not very clean, she said, she doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap. Her husband looked on, but remained silent. Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look! She has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this."The husband said: "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows!"
And so it is with life: "What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look. Before we give any criticism, it might be a good idea to check our state of mind and ask ourselves if we are ready to see the good rather than to be looking for something in the person we are about to judge. "

Swine Flu

"The government does not want us to call it the swine flu. They're calling it the 2009 H1N1 virus. The reason for the change is they want people to know you can still eat all the pork you want without any risk to your health, except diabetes, obesity and heart disease."

--Jimmy Kimmel

One of the Few Untaxable Items

“Thinking is one thing no has ever been able to tax.”
-- Charles Kettering

Play Play Money

Apparently there will be $5000 notes by September here. That is so sad. A reflection of where our economy is headed. Anyway, it's appropriate that I should stumble across this little fact.

There is more Monopoly money printed in a year, than real money printed throughout the world.

The amount of money in a Monopoly game is $15,140.

Misheard Lyrics

Kissthisguy.com is the only domain named after the world's most commonly misheard lyric (or is it?) From Jimi Hendrix's line " 'scuse me, while I kiss the sky!", this website archives many of the same type of mis-heard lines to many famous artists songs. Browse through artists such as The Monkees to the B-52's to Sheryl Crow. Have a line that you have always mis-heard/mis-sung and would like to add it? Do so here!

Encouragement

Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.
-- Unknown

Closedmindedness

The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance,it is the illusion of knowledge.
-- Daniel Boorstin

Woman skydives to mark 70th birthday

I want to do something exciting like this but not wait until I am 70. This woman gets mad props. I cannot imagine my mom who is 1 year shy of her age doing this. LOL

OGDEN, Utah - A Utah woman who survived a bout of potent-ially deadly West Nile virus says she celebrated her 70th birthday by skydiving with family and friends. Fay Andrews, who suffered from West Nile two years ago, said she celebrated her Monday birthday early by jumping out of a Cessna 208 Saturday alongside her grandson, grandnephews, grandniece and a friend while a crowd of 30 friends and family members looked on from the Ogden-Hinckley Airport, the Salt Lake Tribune reported. "When I was a little girl, somewhere in the back of my mind I wanted to jump from an airplane," Andrews said. "The idea must have stuck there." "It was wonderful," she told the assembled crowd after the jump. "You should try it." Andrews said her bout with West Nile virus left her hospitalized for five days and she required a month of rehabilitation to relearn how to walk and use her left arm. "I was in so much misery that I wanted to die," she said. "Then a friend pushed me and I decided that I was going to start living. I did everything I could to get better, including positive affirmations. I told myself over and over, 'Yes I can,' 'I can get healthy,' and 'I am healthy.'"

Bizarre Facts

• Every day 20 banks are robbed. The average take is $2,500!
• The most popular first name in the world is Muhammad!
• Tablecloths were originally meant to be served as towels with which dinner guests could wipe their hands and faces after eating!
• Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult!
• One car out of every 230 made was stolen last year!
• The names of Popeye's four nephews are Pipeye, Peepeye, Pupeye, and Poopeye!

[From strangefacts.com]

Workplace Blues

"How many people work in your office?" the boss asked the department head.
"Oh, about half of them, sir!"

It annoys me so much when some people are more dedicated and work harder to achieve goals and objectives and others are just along for a ride. When can I just kick back and ride it out too? Cho!

25 Things You Will Never Hear A Woman Say...

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More Bizarre May Holidays

• May 11 is Eat What You Want Day and Twilight Zone Day
• May 12 is Limerick Day
• May 13 is Leprechaun Day
• May 14 is National Dance Like A Chicken Day
• May 15 is National Chocolate Chip Day
• May 16 is Wear Purple For Peace Day
• May 17 is Pack Rat Day
• May 18 is International Museum Day and Visit Your Relatives Day
• May 19 is Frog Jumping Jubilee Day
• May 20 is Eliza Doolittle Day

Sunburn Tips

If you are like me who gets burnt on a cloudy day then you might appreciate these tips to help in the unfortunate event it happens. Read on...


Sunburn Prevention:
Prevention is the best remedy here, if you can. Long-term results from excessive exposure to the sun, such as skin cancer and wrinkled skin, can be avoided with proper precautions. One of the best preventatives is to use a sun-screen with an SPF of 30 that offers protection against both UVA and UVB rays. You can get as much sun sightseeing as baking at the beach, so use sunscreen whenever you are outdoors.

Use an aloe vera lotion containing a sunblock. This will cut out 90% of the burning rays and allow 75% of the tanning rays to reach the skin.

To speed healing take the following supplements for a few days after getting burned: 1,000 mg of vitamin C, 400 I.U. of vitamin E, 15 mg of beta carotene, and 1-2 tablespoons (or about 3 capsules per teaspoon) of flaxseed oil, an essential fatty acid.

Caution: don't ever cover a sunburn that is blistered or open with an ointment, oil, salve or butter, for it will make the area susceptible to infection.

Remedies:

Aloe: Take as many leaves as necessary from an aloe plant; refrigerate; peel off top layer of leaves; apply the side of the leaf with flesh exposed directly to the sunburn. Other remedies use aloe vera juice: for mild to medium sunburn, keep the affected area moist with aloe vera juice. Repeat frequently. This will reduce the pain and the amount of peeling. Aloe vera ointment works well, too, as it contains oil and will not evaporate. For a severe sunburn, keep the area moist at all times with aloe vera juice. Since aloe vera is an astringent, you may want to use aloe vera ointment or some sort of oil, such as olive or baby. Aloe is very effective in relieving pain and inflammation.

Combine aloe juice with ½ the amount of vitamin E. Dab on the sunburn. Vitamin E is a good moisturizer.

Apple cider vinegar: Apply apple cider vinegar to the burn with a cottonball, or make a cooling compress for a large area to relieve the pain. Keep the skin moistened. This remedy will prevent blistering and peeling.

Aspirin: Aspirin kills the pain and reduces inflammation and redness of a sunburn. It short-circuits the whole sunburn process. It must be taken within 24 hours of getting sunburned. Aspirin is preferable to ibuprofen or acetaminophen because it is less stressful on the liver and kidneys.

Baking soda: Dissolve some baking soda in water and make a compress using a clean cloth. Another remedy is to add 1/2 cup of baking soda to a tepid bath and soak. Instead of drying the affected area with a towel, let it air dry. Baking soda is cooling and will help the skin retain moisture.

Baths: Add 20 drops of each of lavender and chamomile essential oils to a tubful of cool water and soak for 10 minutes.

Cucumber: Rub sunburned area with fresh cucumber slices. They are very cool and will soothe the area.

Epsom salts: Dissolve epsom salts in water and make a compress using a clean cloth.

Ice: Apply ice or cold water to the burned area. This will stop the burning process and cool the skin.

Lavender: Mix 20-25 drops of lavender oil in one cup of water and bathe the sunburned area.

Lemon Water: Mix the juice of three lemons into two cups of cold water and sponge on the sunburn. The lemon will cool the burn, act as a disinfectant, and will promote healing of the skin.

Milk: Make a compress of whole milk (or buttermilk) and apply to the burned area for 20 minutes; repeat every two to four hours. Wash the milk off so you won't smell sour! The fat content of the milk is soothing for burns.

Oatmeal: Put some oatmeal in tepid bath water, soak for a few minutes, then air dry yourself.

Oil: Cover the area with cooking oil and sprinkle powdered ginger on the oil. This will promote healing.

Onion: Bruise an onion and rub on the burn.

Peppermint: Apply peppermint oil to the sunburned skin. You can also make a mild peppermint infusion and use it as a wash to cool the sunburn.

Potato: Grate a potato and apply it to the burned area. The starch will cool and soothe the burn.

Shower: Take a warm shower to draw out the heat of your sunburn. The warm water will increase circulation to the area while hydrating it, thereby speeding the healing process.

Tea: Make some tea, cool, and apply to the burn. While any tea may be beneficial, mint tea, such as peppermint or spearmint are especially good. The teas have tannins that help the healing process.

Yogurt: Apply plain yogurt with live cultures, let it stand for a few minutes, then rinse off under cool water.

Another remedy using yogurt is to mix equal parts of yogurt and mashed strawberries and apply to the sunburned area for 15 minutes. Rinse with cool water.

Caution! You may have sun poisoning if you experience chills, fever, or get blisters or a rash. See your physician!

Recipe: Coconut Creme Brulee

I saw this recipe with my favourite Malibu Coconut Rum and I think I am going to try it. Let me share the recipe.


INGREDIENTS:
1 cup heavy cream
1 cup coconut milk, fresh or canned
8 egg yolks
1/3 cup granulated white sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 tablespoons Malibu rum
1/4 cup granulated white sugar (for the caramelized tops)(optional)
3 tablespoons toasted, sweetened, flaked coconut

DIRECTIONS:Preheat oven to 300 degrees. In a large bowl, combine thecream, coconut milk, egg yolks, sugar, vanilla, and rum.Whisk until smooth. Skim off any foam or bubbles. Dividemixture among 6 ramekins or custard cups. Place in a waterbath and bake until set around the edges, but still loosein the center, about 50 minutes. Remove from oven and leavein the water bath until cooled. Remove cups from water bathand chill for at least 2 hours, or up to 2 days. When readyto serve, sprinkle about 2 teaspoons of sugar over each custard and caramelize with small butane torch. When the tophas hardened, sprinkle the toasted coconut evenly over thefinished creme brulee.

NOTES: To toast coconut, spread it out in a thin layer on abaking sheet. Place in a 300 degree oven for 10 to 12 minutes,until lightly browned. Shake the baking sheet a few times whiletoasting, checking often to be sure it doesn't burn. Also, if you do not have the torch you can put under thebroiler one at a time to caramelize the sugar but watch carefullyto prevent burning them.

Yield: Serves 6
Category: Desserts

Realtor offers free divorce with home

HUELVA, Spain - A Spanish real estate company is offering a free divorce lawyer as an incentive to couples who purchase three-bedroom homes in Huelva province. Officials with Geimsa realtors said the deal is aimed at couples who have been postponing divorce because they can't afford new homes, Britain's The Daily Telegraph reported. "A divorce is very expensive," said Vanesa Contioso of Geimsa. "So we are offering new clients the free use of our lawyers to handle the process." The deal applies to married couples who purchase three-bedroom homes for at least $89,000 in Huelva province.

Buddha With Thousand Hands

Never Give Up

“A man is not finished when he is defeated. He is finished when he quits.”
-- President R.M. Nixon

The Voca People

Reality Hurts

"Humankind cannot stand very much reality."
-- T. S. Eliot

Second Guessing God

“Beware in your prayer, above everything, of limiting God, not only by unbelief, but by fancying that you know what He can do.”
-- Andrew Murray

Problem Solving

"If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail."
-- Abraham Maslow

Bizarre May Holidays

• May 1 is Mother Goose Day and Save The Rhino Day
• May 2 is Fire Day
• May 3 is Lumpy Rug Day
• May 4 is National Candied Orange Peel Day
• May 5 is National Hoagie Day
• May 6 is Beverage Day
• May 7 is International Tuba Day, Paste Up Day, and National Roast Leg of Lamb Day
• May 8 is No Socks Day and Have A Coke Day
• May 9 is Lost Sock Memorial Day
• May 10 is Clean Up Your Room Day

Snowball - The Dancing Cockatoo

Snowball is a Medium Sulphur Crested Eleanora Cockatoo that dances to the Back Street Boys and other songs that he rates as having a "very good beat."

Control Over Your Life

“You cannot control the length of your life, but you can control its width and depth.”
-- Evan Esar

Good Times...

Love Your Neighbour

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it, you shall love your neighbor as yourself.
-- Jesus of Nazareth

Stab of Indifference

The worst sin toward our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them: that's the essence of inhumanity.
--George Bernard Shaw

Human Composition

We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow some-times in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in onerealm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.
--Anais Nin

Let It Go

Let It Go By T. D. Jakes










There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk
Away from you: let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you,
Loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you,
Staying attached to you.
I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
The Bible said that, they came out from us that it might
Be made manifest that they were not for us.
For had they been of us, no doubt they
Would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]
People leave you because they are not joined to you.
And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.
Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means
That their part in the story is over. And you've got
To know when people's part in your story is over so that you
Don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something.
I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift,
I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful,
it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God
Means for me to have He'll give it to me.
And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you
And was never intended for your life, then you need to......
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ......
LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back,
And see your worth.....
LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you,
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......
LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets
Your needs or talents
LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude.......
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......
LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take
You to a new level in Him........
LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even
Try to help themselves......
LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed .........
LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to
Handling yourself and God is saying
"take your hands off of it," then you need to......
LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things.
GOD is doing a new thing for this New Year!
LET IT GO!!!
Get Right or Get Left .. Think about it, and then,
LET IT GO!!!
"The Battle is the Lord's!"

Are You Going to Finish Strong?

Nick Vujicic has no arms or legs but has come to terms with his lot in life and he delivers an inspirational speech to these school kids that they will probably never forget.

Can't Do Anything Right

Today was one of those days...

Child Prodigies

Ever read of some amazing accomplishments of young people and just wonder what it takes to achieve what they have? Check out these examples.

In 2001, a Nepalese boy named Temba Tsheri became the youngest person to climb Mount Everest. While traveling with a French hiking group, the 16-year-old reached the summit of the mountain, which is approximately 29,035 feet high!

It took six weeks at sea, but Michael Perham, a 14-year-old from Hertfordshire, England, managed to sail solo across the 3,500-mile long Atlantic Ocean in his yacht, the Cheeky Monkey, in January 2007.

Child prodigy Ruth Elke Lawrence was only 11 years old when she passed the Oxford entrance exam in mathematics, and became the youngest person ever to attend the prestigious university. With her father there to accompany her to classes, Ruth graduated with a bachelor's degree in two years instead of the usual three. Now in her thirties,Lawrence teaches at Hebrew University in Jerusalem.

The Guinness Book of World Records credits Balamurali Ambati as the youngest person to become a doctor. Balamurali graduated from NYU at the age of 13 and from Mount Sinai's School of Medicine at age 17. He currently teaches and does research in ophthalmology, and has a long list of awards and honors under his belt.

Arfa Karim Randhawa of Pakistan caught the attention of Bill Gates after passing her Microsoft Certified Professional examinations at age ten. After she asked for a job, Gates suggested she should stay in school, but did offer her an intership instead.

In the small country of Bhutan in southern Asia, the youngest monarch in the world ruled the throne for over 30 years. Jigme Singye Wangchuck was only 17 when he became the "Druk Gyalpo," or "Dragon King," back in 1972, and he remained in power until 2006, when he handed over control to his oldest son.

Perspective

"You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic."
-- Doris Egan (House M.D., House vs. God)

Wanted: The Inexperienced

I used to be one who would totally rule out the idea of being with a younger man. But lately, I don’t think it’s as bad as I made it out to be. I mean, yeh… a younger guy is going to be immature in some ways. But just think of all the things you can teach and influence him to do just because he doesn’t have as much experience. LOL No… I am not being manipulative, but sometimes people with less experience have more opened minds. A friend of mine is with a guy much younger than she is and they are so happy. Maybe this young boy thing should be a point to consider.

Trials To Endure

"The manner in which one endures what must be endured is more important than the thing that must be endured."
-- Dean Acheson (1893-1971), American statesman and lawyer; served as United States Secretary of State in the administration of President Harry S. Truman during 1949–1953.

Always Remember to Never...

"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use."
--Wendell Johnson

Quotes From Steven Wright

• "Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark."
• "Many people quit looking for work when they find a job."
• "When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded."
• "I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out."
• "For every action, there is an equal and opposite criti-cism."
• "The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it."
• "Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
• "If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?"
• "I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it."
• "What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"
• "Boycott shampoo! Demand REAL poo!"
• "I intend to live forever - so far, so good."
• "Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."

Work Will Never Be Done

"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important."
--Bertrand Russell

Life's Time Machines

"We all have our time machines. Some take us back, they're called memories. Some take us forward, they're called dreams."
--Jeremy Irons

What Not to Say to a Police Officer!

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee, Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?", you probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee, Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Wish I Was Here Right Now...

Oxymorons

"Once Again" is an oxymoron, is it not? It's part of the tradition of putting two terms together that have no business being anywhere near each other.
You may remember such classics as... jumbo shrimp, deafen-ing silent, military intelligence, sweet sorrow, organized chaos, Icy Hot, nondairy creamer, mutual differences, mandatory options and head butt.
Any other additions to the club?

My Doggie

"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."

-- Roger Caras (1928-2001), American wildlife photographer, writer, wildlife preservationist and television personality.

I Love My Doggie

Always Space for Dessert!

“Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, "No, thank you," to dessert that night. And for what!”
-- Erma Bombeck (1927-1996), American humorist who achieved great popularity for her newspaper column that described suburban home life humorously from the mid-1960s until the late '90s.

Giving Up Meat

The teacher in an adult Sabbath class asked a woman to read about the Israelites wandering in the desert. "The Lord heard you when you wailed, 'If only we had meat to eat!'" she began.

"Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month - until you loathe it." When the woman finished she paused, looked up and said, "Hey, isn't that the Atkins diet?"

Lesson in Irony

“Humor brings insight and tolerance. Irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding.”
-- Agnes Repplier (1855-1950), American essayist and writer, known for collections of scholarly essays in Compromises

Gettin' some...

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Finding the G-Spot

If a woman's partner wants to find the G-spot, and have some fun during the search, try the Bowling Ball. Hold your dominant hand (right for most people) palm up and curl your thumb and middle two fingers like you were holding a bowling ball. Keep the index and pinkie fingers straight. Curve the middle finger slightly more than the ring finger.
Now, thumb goes on the clit, middle two fingers go in the vagina, and outer two fingers (index and pinkie) massage the labia majora and/or perineum.
Rock your hand back and forth. If you're doing it right, your thumb will be massaging her clit on the forward rock and your middle two fingers will be stroking in her vagina on the backward rock.
As she becomes aroused, the curved tip of your middle finger should be on or near her G-spot and you can feel the difference in texture from the surrounding vaginal wall.
Vary the speed and pressure of the rocking motion until her eyes roll back, her toes curl and she loses the ability to form a coherent sentence.

Tax Time

When NASA started sending astronauts into space, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them.

I'm Not Just Lazy

Life's Like a Poker Game

"If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is--- it's you."
--Anonymous

Sex Complaints

Women complain about sex more than men.
Their gripes fall into two major categories: (1) Not enough. (2) Too much.
Better it be too much than not enough...

Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery

• Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
• Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
• Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
• Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
• Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
• There go the lights again...
• Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.
• Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
• Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
• What's this doing here?
• I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
• That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
• Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
• Sterile, shcmerle. The floor's clean, right?
• What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
• OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
• This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
• Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
• Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
• What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!
• FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
• Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
• Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?

Beggars Can't Be Choosers

Over this long weekend I took some time to reflect on my life as it is now. I dwelled a lot on how relationships in life are never perfect. I think the more I say it is the easier it will be for me to accept it. Being a combined perfectionist, idealistic, control freak is a bad way to be…

Last week in the office we were having a discussion about relationships. Coworker-J, who is in her mid forties and is unmarried, lately has found a new love interest and is enjoying life to the max – absolutely glowing. She has always made it known that there are certain absolutely minimum requirements for her to be with a man. He must be taller than she is – and that is no easy feat because she is about 5’10” tall herself, he must be good looking and physically fit (read no big belly) and must be a gentleman with opening doors for her and picking up the tab etc. For a woman of her age she is still very physically attractive so I guess it is not unfounded for her to demand an equally attractive mate.

So, Coworker-D then turned to me to say that I must not give up hope of finding that happiness with someone because even at Coworker-J’s age she still found it. Coworker-J did interject to tell me don’t wait that long because you miss out on a lot. Despite knowing that, why didn’t Coworker-J settle? It’s great to have ideals but at what point does it become pointless to demand so much?

I think I have some bomb inside that is almost at meltdown. I know several persons will say that I am still young and there is no need to rush, yadda yadda… but remember I am the perfectionist, idealistic, control freak? Yeh… what a quandary…

I have my ideals in a mate and lately I have been feeling that those requirements are baseless. Who am I to require “perfection” from someone when I am far from it? My biggest sore point is my weight. I’ve always wanted someone to love me just the way I am – all of me, but that is the first thing people see and judge you by. People are typically disgusted by an obese person. They don’t want to be with someone whose defect they will constantly have to be on guard to defend because that’s just the way people are.

If you took me as a person and put me in a size 6 body I think they would want to be with me, but since I am not attractive then there’s no real motivation. There was one guy who said after he left me that there are so many sexy women out there running him down, why should he stay and put up with my shit in a relationship. There was another guy who faked a relationship with me in hopes that I would lose the weight, and when I didn’t... And one guy didn’t want to take me anywhere to be seen with him. Really, I could go on with examples. And plain and simply… it hurts.

My initial reaction is why do people have to be so superficial, but everyone’s allowed their own ideals – heck even I have some. I’ve even been told that I am picky. *shock* You can see from my examples above that I have made pretty bad selections from my ideals. Perhaps I am overly ambitious in the type of man I want to be with considering that I have so little to give back. I’m always the one to love first and the last one to leave. I must give it to them for appreciating who I am on the inside to a certain extent – most end up still wanting to be friends, but it just goes to show what inherently is really important. Then it hits home that beggars can’t really be choosers.

Easy for you to say just get up and get on a diet and exercise 3 hours daily and lose the weight then if it’s such a problem. I really wish I could get over this hump and get the mindset to do it. I can’t explain it… but it’s almost the same reason someone suffering from depression can’t just will themselves to get up and be happy tomorrow. It just doesn’t work that easily.

There’s Friend-T who is somewhat aware of the struggle I have with my weight and constantly tries to reassure me that I am not as “fat” as I think I am. She’d point out women who are bigger than I am and show me how they’re enjoying life and they even have men too! LOL Maybe I am caught up with my state more than I ought to be and that is the root of the problem? I really don’t know. I just know that it comes up a lot.

My insecurities are in hyper-drive lately. I have to deal with the harsh realities of it all. And these ideals? They’re slipping. I can feel myself settling. I don’t want to hear that I deserve more because every time I go after more it backfires and I am left standing with nothing more than a broken heart and dented self-esteem.

I used to look down on some girls who would throw themselves at guys and in no time end up sleeping with them. I really thought about what their motivation could be to do something like that – giving them the benefit of the doubt that being a slut isn’t the cause but a symptom. I’ve concluded that they’re searching for some comfort in these men, perhaps some attention they didn’t get from their own father or just the feeling that for the moment when they’re in that man’s bed that they’re sated. While we have different symptoms, I can relate to that need of those girls to be wanted.

Hi. I am a 26 year old obese woman and I’m learning to accept that chances are I will be alone for the rest of my life.

Make The Effort

"The healthiest competition occurs when average people win by putting above average effort. "
--Colin Powell.

What is Love?

"Love is not a feeling, it's an act of your will."
-- Don Francisco

Friends Don't Stifle Friends

"No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow."
--Alice Walker

Before It's Too Late

"You cannot do a kindness too soon because you never know how soon it will be too late."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson, American philosopher (1803-1882)

Acting The Fool is Innate

"It is human nature to think wisely and act foolishly."
-- Anatole France (1844-1924), French poet, journalist, and novelist

What do men want?

"The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything."
--Friedrich Nietzsche

Silence isn't always good...

"Silence propagates itself, and the longer talk has been suspended, the more difficult it is to find anything to say."
-- Samuel Johnson

Quandry of A Virtuous Woman

"Accuracy is to a newspaper what virtue is to a lady, but a newspaper can always print a retraction."
--Adlai Stevenson

Personal Growth

“Be not afraid of growing slowly; be afraid only of standing still.”
-- Chinese Proverb

Men Are Like Fine Wine

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something which you'd like to have dinner with."

--Anonymous woman

Jamaica IM Shortcuts

• TWY = Tek Weh Yuself


• XA = X Amount


• AO = Alms Ouse


• BC = Blood Claat


• BPT = Back Pon Top


• BOAL = Buss Out A Laff


• BOABDL = Buss Out A Big Dutty Laff


• CAS = Crack A SmileDWL = Dead Wid Laff


• DWLAPUMS = Dead Wid Laff And Peepee Up Mi Self


• FR = Fi Real


• KMN = Kiss Mi Neckback


• KYAWO = Kut Yeye And Wheel Out


• LIH = Lick Innu Head


• LM = Likkle More


• MPD = Mad People Dem


• MYODB = Mine Yuh Own Dyamn Biznezz


• NR = Nuff Respect

I read this and I BOABDL

Every Hoe Has a Stick a Bush

“For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it.”


Ivan Panin (1855-1942), Russian emigrant to the United States who achieved fame for claiming that the text of the Hebrew and Greek Bible contained numeric patterns.

April Fool's Day Hoaxes

In the Julian calendar, April 1st was designated as the New Year's Day and was so celebrated till 1582, when Pope Gregory XIII ordered the adoption of the new Gregorian Calendar, which specified January 1st as the New Year's Day. Many French resisted the New Year's Day change, and as a result they were dubbed fools and made the victim of pranks. They were sent on 'fool's errands,' delivered fake invitations for parties and tricked into believing things that weren't true.

Here are a few pranks courtesy of Wikipedia...

• In 1998, Burger King ran an ad in USA Today, saying that people could get a Whopper for left-handed people whose condiments were designed to drip out of the right side. Not only did customers order the new burgers, but some specifically requested the "old", right-handed burger.


• In 1996, Taco Bell took out a full-page advertisement in The New York Times announcing that they had purchased the Liberty Bell to "reduce the country's debt" and renamed it the "Taco Liberty Bell." When asked about the sale, White House press secretary Mike McCurry replied tongue-in-cheek that the Lincoln Memorial had also been sold and would henceforth be known as the Lincoln Mercury Memorial.


• The BBC television program Panorama ran a famous hoax in 1957, showing the Swiss harvesting spaghetti from trees. They had claimed that the despised pest, the spaghetti weevil, had been eradicated. A large number of people contacted the BBC wanting to know how to cultivate their own spaghetti trees.


• In 2008, the BBC reported on a newly discovered colony of flying penguins. An elaborate video segment was even produced, featuring Terry Jones (of Monty Python fame) walking with the penguins in Antarctica, and following their flight to the Amazon rainforest.


• George Plimpton wrote a 1985 article in Sports Illustrated about a New York Mets prospect named Sidd Finch, who could throw a 168 mph (270 km/h) fastball with pinpoint accuracy. This kid, known as "Barefoot" Sidd[hartha] Finch, reportedly learned to pitch in a Buddhist monastery. The first letter of each word in the article subhead spelled out the fact of its being an April Fool joke.