Random Humor

• Polynesia: memory loss in parrots.
• Oh Lord, give me patience...and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
• A good pun is its own reword.
• Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure..
• I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
• Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
• To err is human, to moo bovine.
• For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Egos

You have an ego--a consciousness of being an individual. Butthat doesn't mean that you are to worship yourself, to thinkconstantly of yourself, and to live entirely for self.
--Billy Graham

Being Satisfied

"May we never let the things we can't have, or don't have, or shouldn't have, spoil our enjoyment of the things we do have and can have. As we value our happiness let us not forget it, for one of the greatest lessons in life is learning to be happy without the things we cannot or should not have."
--Richard L. Evans

Seasons of the Soul

Summer comes with such a splendor

All creation shows its praise

Flowers bloom, fruits ripen, birds sing

All things experiencing rebirth

All things made anew

Summer’s end ushers in autumn’s colors

Golden red, crispy brown, sunshiny yellow

Autumn leaves Falling

Peacefully lying in a final resting place

'Til winter’s milky white, delicate snow flakes

Cascading

Covering all it reaches in fluffy softness

Then comes spring’s revitalizing rain

Showering

Washing, pouring, cleansing

Without human intervention

The cycle continues o’er and o’er again

Life is much like nature’s seasons

Changing constantly and surely with the passing of time

We too must face life’s passing seasons

When there are days of summer’s splendor

All plans made falling into place

Obstacles faced

Challenges conquered

Goals surpassed

But, as surely as autumn follows summer and spring follows winter

We too must face our days of Spring-like rebirth

Autumn-like falling

Summer-like passion

Winter-like coldness

We too are faced with the seasons

The seasons of the soul

--Dawn Minott

Judge Not

I was shocked, confused, bewildered,
As I entered Heaven's door.
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp--
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.

And why's everyone so quiet,
So somber - give me a clue.
Hush, child, He said, they're all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you.

JUDGE NOT. -- Remember...Just going to church doesn't makeyou a Christian no more than standing in your garage makes you a car.

The Irony of Life

"It is not what we eat but what we digest that makes us strong; not what we gain but what we save that makes us rich; not what we read but what we remember that makes us learned; and not what we profess but what we practice that gives us integrity."
--Francis Bacon

Shower Activities

Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people masturbate in the shower. The other ten percent of them sing."
"Really?" asked the friend.
The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, "And do you know what the most popular song people sing in the shower?"
The friend shook her head and replied, "No." The therapist replied, "I didn't think so."

Optimism

"The place where optimism most flourishes is the lunatic asylum."
- Havelock Ellis

Inner Peace

Some signs and symptoms of inner peace:

• A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences.
• An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
• A loss of interest in judging other people.
• A loss of interest in judging self.
• A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
• A loss of interest in conflict.
• A loss of the ability to worry. (This is a very serious symptom.)
• Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
• Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.
• Frequent attacks of smiling.
• An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.
• An increased susceptibility to the love extended by others as well as the uncontrollable urge to extend it.

WARNING: If you have some or all of the above symptoms, please be advised that your condition of inner peace may be so far advanced as to not be curable. If you are exposed to anyone exhibiting any of these symptoms, remain exposed only at your own risk.

We often take for granted the things that deserve our gratitude

Take nothing for granted, for whatever you do
The "joy of enjoying" is lessened for you --
For we rob our own lives much more than we know
When we fail to respondor in any way show
Our thanks for the blessings that daily are ours. . .
The warmth of the sun, the fragrance of flowers
The beauty of twilight, the freshness of dawn
The coolness of dew on a green velvet lawn
The kind little deeds so thoughtfully done
The favors of friends and of their ways
Expecting no payment and no words of praise.

. . . Helen Steiner Rice

The Rules of Eating Chocolate

1. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
3. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
4. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
5. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
6. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
7. Money talks. Chocolate sings.
8. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
9. Q: Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A: Because no one wants to quit.
10. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
11. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
12. If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

As I Mature

• I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
• I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
• I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
• I've learned that you can keep vomiting, long after you think you're finished.
• I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
• I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!
• I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon, and all the less important ones just never go away.