New Years Resolutions You Can Keep

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

• Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
• Stop exercising. Waste of time.
• Read less. Makes you think.
• Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
• Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
• Spend more time at work.
• Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
• Get in a whole NEW rut!
• Personal goal: Bring back disco.
• Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
• Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
• Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
• Get further in debt.
• Break at least one traffic law.
• Associate with even worse business clients.
• Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.
• Wait around for opportunity.
• Focus on the faults of others.
• Mope about my faults.
• Never make New Year's resolutions again.

I'm glad this year is almost over...

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

I read this advice on breakup and thought it to be invaluable to everyone who ever had to deal with ending a relationship. I hope this can inspire someone else too to realize that it's over but all is not lost. Enjoy!

I went through a break up when I was 20 that made me feel my life was over. I had dated this man for three years and even though the relationship had deteriorated (with me turning a blind eye to it) it felt like an out of nowhere punch in the stomach knocking the wind out of me for months. There is no "non-painful" way to deal because this person was meaningful to you, unlike the relationships that feel temporary and serve purposes but you know are not "forevers." Here's what I did and in the long run have never been happier.

1. FEEL IT! Let the loss and anger and disgust and pain and self-loathing and all that ugliness in. Appreciate in some way that you are never feel more alive as a human as when you are able to experience strong emotion. To deny this makes the process last longer and no one wants that!

2. Attach/Re-Attach to friends and family quickly and let them support you, even if you feel ashamed or embarrassed that your relationship is over. They can handle the weight of your breakup better than you can and are probably willing to listen, feed you and comfort you.

3. Cut contact for an extended while with the ex. It does NOT help to try to be friends or friendly until you have healed. This includes sex! Even if sex was the only place in your relationship where things were good, DO NOT HOOK UP WITH THE EX, it becomes very confusing.

4. Get busy, do those things you compromised on not doing while you were dating. Ex: See those chick flicks he wouldn't see with you, join an evening book club, go on minivacations, learn how to juggle (this one is great!), etc...

5. When you have your mind back a little, mourn the PARTS of the relationship that were positive and you'll miss and cele-brate the parts that were toxic to you. Look realistically at where your relationship wasn't ideal. Do not only reflect on the ideal moments. Look at the fights, the awkward sex moments, the disappointments, the thoughtless gifts, the forgotten anniversaries, etc...

6. Wait it out. My mom told me, as I wept day after day in my sweat pants, that it takes half the time you dated before you are able to truly be over it. This wasn't too far off. Just trust that the reminders, songs, locations, etc... that bring on the deluge of tears will become increasingly infre-quent and soon you'll be able to "reclaim" those places and give them new meanings with new friends or solo experiences. Take your favorite spots back and own them in a new and single way!.

This is what I"ve learned and hopefully it can help others.

Real Newspaper Ads

• 3-year-old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.
• Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
• Vacation special: Have your house exterminated.
• Dinner Specials: Turkey $3.25 Chicken or Beef $2.75 Children $2.00.
• Illiterate? Write today for free help.
• Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
• Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
• Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
• Stock up and save. Limit: one.
• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
• Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale.
• For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
• We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do itcarefully by hand.
• Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Jesus is Better than Santa

Santa lives at the North Pole,

JESUS is everywhere.

Santa rides in a sleigh JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water,

Santa comes but once a year,

JESUS is an ever- present help.

Santa fills your stockings with goodies,

JESUS supplies all your needs.

Santa comes down your chimney uninvited,

JESUS stands at your door and knocks... and then enters your heart.

You have to stand in line to see Santa,

JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.

Santa lets you sit on his lap,

JESUS lets you rest in His arms.

Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is "Hi little boy or girl, What's your name?"

JESUS knew our name before we did. Not only does He know our name, He knows our address too. He knows our history and future and He even knows how many hairs are on our heads.

JESUS has a heart full of love.

JESUS offers health, help and hope.

Santa says "You better not cry,"

JESUS says "Cast all your cares on me for I care for you.

Santa's little helpers make toys,

JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken homes and builds mansions.

Santa may make you chuckle but,

JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.

While Santa puts gifts under your tree,

JESUS became our gift and died on the tree.

It's obvious there is really no comparison. We need to remember WHO Christmas is all about. We need to put Christ back in Christmas. Jesus is still the reason for the season.

Tattoo Parlor

Things you don't want to hear in a tattoo parlor:

• "Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE."
• "We're all out of red, so I used pink."
• "There are two O's in Bob, right?"
• "Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups."
• "Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room back here."
• "I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before."
• "The flag's all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect."
• "Oops ... "

Are You Full?

Aphrodisiacs include anything that arouses or intensifiessexual desires. This could be an erotic painting, drug (Vi-agra, etc.), smell (Escape for men, anyone?), food, and more. We will concentrate on the food aspects today. According to "sexpert" Dr. Ava, an aphrodisiac is described in the Ency-clopedia Britannica as: "The psycho physiological reaction that a well-prepared meal can have upon the human organism. The combination of various sensuous reactions, the visual satisfaction of the sight of appetizing food, the olfactory stimulation of their pleasing smells, and tactile gratifi-cation afforded the oral mechanism by rich, savory dishes tend to bring on a state of general euphoria conducive to sexual expression." Hmmm...that's totally what we're aiming for, right? Simply put, the use of food as an erotic stimu-lant is quite practical - food is inherently a need AND amethod of oral gratification. Now, combine the two, and you could have fireworks.

At first, making a big meal might not sound conducive as aprecursor to lovemaking sessions. Shy away from heavy meats,but emphasize seafood. This is lighter than other proteinsand won't give you the heavy bloated feeling that completelynegates the amorous atmosphere you are striving for. Here'sa simple tip to remember - any foods you eat with your fingers have great potential, period.

Enter fondues. What could be more tantalizing than dipping a ripe, bright red strawberry in chocolate sauce and licking the remains off your paramour's lips? Enough said. I would be remiss to not mention the art of eating a ripe pear. Watch the juices of a ripe pear flow over your partner's lips or mouth, and you'll be hooked. Observing him/her suck the juices and nibble on the pear might just be enough to send you over the edge...

While aphrodisiacs are not limited to culinary art, I wantto mention several popular food items for this cause. You'veprobably heard this before, but oysters are aphrodisiacs in many cultures. Oysters are high in zinc which often boosts testosterone levels in men. Food aphrodisiacs include, but are not limited to the following: artichokes, asparagus, avocado, basil, black beans(!), chilies, chocolate, coffee, grapes, honey, olives, pine nuts, rosemary, strawberries, popular spices, and some edible flowers. Some on the list might not be obvious choices, like black beans and chilies. The latter and other hot spices are thought to increase blood flow and circulation, so they have a popularfollowing.

As a side note, foods shaped like genitalia can be arousing.For instance, ripe figs are popular aphrodisiacs because some believe they resemble a woman's genitalia. Phallic-shaped items are often appetizing. The lush softness and shape of a banana make this fruit popular, and many men can attest to the eroticism of watching a woman lick an ice cream cone. Red foods are often thought of as succulent aphrodisiacs - tomatoes, strawberries, and, of course the forbidden fruit, red apples, are routinely thought of as sexually appetizing. If you decide to go all out and have the perfect aphrodisiac-laden dinner, don't forget the drinks! Libations, but specifi-cally wine and champagne, are the drinks of love.

Doesn't It Annoy You When...

1. There's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?
2. You buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?
3. There's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?
4. You're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?
5. You tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.
6. Someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.
7. A friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.
8. You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.
9. You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
10. A waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.
11. Your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.
12. The dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
13. The power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.
14. Someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check.
15. The elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.
16. You almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose every-thing.

Christmas Tree Topper

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floor-boards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheer-fully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree...

The Plusses of Plus Size

It's no secret that our culture worships thinness and equates the emaciated state with great beauty. It's also no secret that more and more of the population is succumbing to "obesity", gaining more weight than ever before. One secret that remains is that you can be overweight on the charts while still being healthy and beautiful. And the plus in the recent trend towards overweight in the general population means that, slowly but inexorably, fashion designers will be designing attractive clothes for plus-sized women. It's about time!

Remind yourself that its OKAY if you need a larger sizeI think most people are motivated to diet in order to fit a particular clothing size. That way lies madness, as sizes vary drastically, even within brands. Life is much simpler when clothes fit the person, rather than the other way around. And for plus-size people, finding the designs that complement the body is more than half the battle. Although many designers are starting to include plus size fashions (in sections separated from non-plus-sized clothes), the clothes often fall into the "giant-black tunic over giant black stretch pants" category. Look at companies that specialize in plus-sized clothes.

So, here are my beauty tips for plus sized women. You will not find the recommendation to wear black apparel because it's so slimming, or to wear neutrals because they help you "blend in".

1. Wear clothes that you love. If you feel pretty or elegant or sexy or classy in an plus size skirt, dress or other outfit, that's the way people will see you. Spend a little more if you have to, but find clothes and designers that work for you.


2. Wear brightly colored outfits to feel cheerful. Let your self shine through and only wear black if you happen to like the way you look in black. For example, EVERY woman should own a pair of the classic black plus size pants that go with everything. Just pair them with a bright shirt or blouse on top. Use your own good sense when mixing and matching.


3. If you have them, flaunt them. Some plus size tops, tanks and shirts were made to show off beautiful shoulders, or a nice bust. Don't hide in cowl-necks or tunics if you have the option of a nice V-neck or an off-the-shoulder top.


4. Pretty curvy legs are pretty curvy legs. Buy the best-looking hose in natural colors, strappy shoes or sexy boots and show the real estate between ankle and knee--the prettiest parts of the leg. A great aline skirt is wonderful way to show off nice legs as well.


5. Work on increasing your happiness and body images. It doesn't matter what you wear if you're happy, and the most fabulous clothes in the world can't cover up an unhappy face.


6. Exercise for your health, not for your derriere. Not for your mother, your boyfriend, the fashion industry, or your ideas of what you "should" look like. Focus on feel-good exercise like dancing, wandering through the woods, playing in the water. Stop tormenting yourself with the Stairmaster, and go outside to play.


7. Friendship is one of the primary components of a happy life. It's also one of the hardest things to maintain once we're grown up. Find friends, nurture relationships by hanging out together, make time for each other, and you'll enrich your life immeasurably.

Where have you been?

But one of the things that has to be faced is...to find out who we are, where we have come from and where we are going…I am saying as you must say, too, that in order to see where we are going, we not only must remember where we have been, but we must understand where we have been.
--Ella Baker.

Unusual phobias

Do people really have these phobias? hehe But I can somewhat understand being a
eisoptrophobe and pogonophobia...

• alektorophobia - fear of chickens
• aulophobia - fear of a flute
• clinophobia - fear of going to bed
• ecclesiaphobia - fear of churches
• eisoptrophobia - fear of mirrors
• geniophobia - fear of chins
• genuphobia - fear of knees
• gymnotophobia - fear of nudity
• ichthyophobia - fear of fish
• levophobia - fear of the left side
• linonophobia - fear of string
• meteorophobia - fear of being hit by meteor
• nephelophobia - fear of clouds
• odontophobia - fear of teeth
• ouranophobia - fear of heaven
• pediophobia - fear of dolls
• pogonophobia - fear of beards
• siderophobia - fear of starts
• stygiophobia - fear of hell
• triskaidekaphobia - fear of the number 13

Random Humor

• Polynesia: memory loss in parrots.
• Oh Lord, give me patience...and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
• A good pun is its own reword.
• Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure..
• I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
• Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
• To err is human, to moo bovine.
• For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Egos

You have an ego--a consciousness of being an individual. Butthat doesn't mean that you are to worship yourself, to thinkconstantly of yourself, and to live entirely for self.
--Billy Graham

Being Satisfied

"May we never let the things we can't have, or don't have, or shouldn't have, spoil our enjoyment of the things we do have and can have. As we value our happiness let us not forget it, for one of the greatest lessons in life is learning to be happy without the things we cannot or should not have."
--Richard L. Evans

Seasons of the Soul

Summer comes with such a splendor

All creation shows its praise

Flowers bloom, fruits ripen, birds sing

All things experiencing rebirth

All things made anew

Summer’s end ushers in autumn’s colors

Golden red, crispy brown, sunshiny yellow

Autumn leaves Falling

Peacefully lying in a final resting place

'Til winter’s milky white, delicate snow flakes

Cascading

Covering all it reaches in fluffy softness

Then comes spring’s revitalizing rain

Showering

Washing, pouring, cleansing

Without human intervention

The cycle continues o’er and o’er again

Life is much like nature’s seasons

Changing constantly and surely with the passing of time

We too must face life’s passing seasons

When there are days of summer’s splendor

All plans made falling into place

Obstacles faced

Challenges conquered

Goals surpassed

But, as surely as autumn follows summer and spring follows winter

We too must face our days of Spring-like rebirth

Autumn-like falling

Summer-like passion

Winter-like coldness

We too are faced with the seasons

The seasons of the soul

--Dawn Minott

Judge Not

I was shocked, confused, bewildered,
As I entered Heaven's door.
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp--
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.

And why's everyone so quiet,
So somber - give me a clue.
Hush, child, He said, they're all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you.

JUDGE NOT. -- Remember...Just going to church doesn't makeyou a Christian no more than standing in your garage makes you a car.

The Irony of Life

"It is not what we eat but what we digest that makes us strong; not what we gain but what we save that makes us rich; not what we read but what we remember that makes us learned; and not what we profess but what we practice that gives us integrity."
--Francis Bacon

Shower Activities

Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people masturbate in the shower. The other ten percent of them sing."
"Really?" asked the friend.
The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, "And do you know what the most popular song people sing in the shower?"
The friend shook her head and replied, "No." The therapist replied, "I didn't think so."

Optimism

"The place where optimism most flourishes is the lunatic asylum."
- Havelock Ellis

Inner Peace

Some signs and symptoms of inner peace:

• A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences.
• An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
• A loss of interest in judging other people.
• A loss of interest in judging self.
• A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
• A loss of interest in conflict.
• A loss of the ability to worry. (This is a very serious symptom.)
• Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
• Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.
• Frequent attacks of smiling.
• An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.
• An increased susceptibility to the love extended by others as well as the uncontrollable urge to extend it.

WARNING: If you have some or all of the above symptoms, please be advised that your condition of inner peace may be so far advanced as to not be curable. If you are exposed to anyone exhibiting any of these symptoms, remain exposed only at your own risk.

We often take for granted the things that deserve our gratitude

Take nothing for granted, for whatever you do
The "joy of enjoying" is lessened for you --
For we rob our own lives much more than we know
When we fail to respondor in any way show
Our thanks for the blessings that daily are ours. . .
The warmth of the sun, the fragrance of flowers
The beauty of twilight, the freshness of dawn
The coolness of dew on a green velvet lawn
The kind little deeds so thoughtfully done
The favors of friends and of their ways
Expecting no payment and no words of praise.

. . . Helen Steiner Rice

The Rules of Eating Chocolate

1. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
3. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
4. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
5. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
6. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
7. Money talks. Chocolate sings.
8. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
9. Q: Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A: Because no one wants to quit.
10. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
11. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
12. If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

As I Mature

• I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
• I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
• I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
• I've learned that you can keep vomiting, long after you think you're finished.
• I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
• I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!
• I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon, and all the less important ones just never go away.

Obnoxious Children

Pet Peeve #3
Thou shalt keep thy obnoxious child(ren) away from me.

I know it's been a while since I have updated my peeves but this one happened today and I just HAD to blog about it.
I dunno, I guess my mother raised me differently and when children deviate from that and come in MY space and demonstrate their most reprehensible attitudes I want to slap them and then their mother. What's worse is when you speak to them and they just don't get it!
I dunno what kind of mother I will be and I hope that I won't grow too tired to teach my children better for them to not be seen in the same light as I do some of these ankle biters.
They need some advice from Cesar Milan - The Dog Whisperer: "Rules, Boundaries and Limitations." Jeez man!!

Queen's Engerlish

Hey, since we're now living in the time of technology and the more common use of the written language, it is time for an English lesson. So, with tongue firmly in cheek, here are some rules to keep in mind when using the Queen's Engerlish:
1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat).
6. Always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)unnecessary.
9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad too.
11. Contractions aren't helpful and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should never generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is probably not the best way to propose earth shattering ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Our Weird Language

• Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
• Why do some people use the expression 'Good Grief'? What is a Bad Grief?
• Why is the plural of goose-geese and not the plural of moose-meese?
• If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice why aren't two houses hice?
• If the plural of mouse is mice, what is the plural of spouse?
• Why do we say something is awfully good? What exactly do we mean by this?
• Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
• Can you have only one plural?
• Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?
• Can you be frequent infrequently?
• Why do people say 'This and That' as opposed to 'That and This'?
• If the plural of octopus is octopi and platypus is platypi what is the plural of schoolbus?
• Why is sphinges the plural of sphinx if there's only one?
• What's the difference between new and brand new?
• Why do North Americans fill a form out but the English fill it in?

Wanted: A REAL BOYFRIEND

Yeh... a guy like this would be nice... It'd be really nice.

1. When she stares at your mouth... Kiss her.
2. When she pushes you or hits you like she thinks she's stronger than you... Grab her and don't let go.
3. When she starts cussing you out, tryin to act all tuff... Kiss her and tell her you love her.
4. When she's quiet... Ask her whats wrong.
5. When she ignores you... Give her your attention.
6. When she pulls away... Pull her back.
7. When you see her at her worst... Tell her she's beautiful.
8. When you see her start crying... Just hold her and dont say a word.
9. When you see her walking... Sneak up and hug her waist from behind.
10. When she's scared... Protect her.
11. When she steals your favorite hat... Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night.
12. When she teases you... Tease her back and make her laugh.
13. When she doesn't answer for a long time... Reassure her that everything is okay.
14.When she looks at you with doubt... Back yourself up a bit.
15. When she says that she likes you... SHE REALLY DOES, MORE THAN YOU COULD UNDERSTAND!!!
16. When she grabs at your hands... Hold her's and play with her fingers.
17. When she bumps into you with her big ass hips ;)... Bump into her back and make her laugh.
18. When she tells you a secret... Keep it safe and untold.
19. When she looks at you in your eyes... Don't look away until she does.
20. When she says it's over... She still wants you to be hers (IT'S TRUE!).
21. When she plays with your face... She wants you to be hers forever.
22. When she reposts this bulletin... She wants you to read it.
23. Stay on the phone with her even if she's not saying anything.
24. When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go.
25. When she says she's ok dont believe it, talk with her.
26. Because 10 yrs later she'll remember you.
27. Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her.
28. Treat her like she's all that matters to you.
29. Stay up all night with her when she's sick.
30. Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think it's stupid.
31. Give her the world.
32. Let her wear your clothes.
33. When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.
34. Let her know she's important.
35. Kiss her in the pouring rain.
36. When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is; 'Who's the one I'm loving, baby?'

Rudyard Kipling - "If"

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling

Everyone Needs A Washing

A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Target. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout.

We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Target. We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.

The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in 'Mom let's run through the rain,' she said. 'What?' Mom asked.'Let’s run through the rain!' She repeated. 'No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit,' Mom replied.

This young child waited about another minute and repeated: 'Mom, let's run through the rain,' 'We'll get soaked if we do,' Mom said.'No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning,' the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm.

‘This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?’ 'Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!'

The entire crowd stopped dead silent. You couldn't hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes. Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say.

Now, some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith. 'Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If GOD lets us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing,' Mom said.

Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.

And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.

Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories.

So, don't forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday.

Life's Contradictions

• I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
• Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel sogood.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
• All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse getsthe cheese.
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Life through the eyes of a Realist

• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to belazy.
• Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
• I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that youtried.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after youneed it.
• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softnessof the bread.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal frommany is research.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Christian the Lion

The Law of the Garbage Truck

One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped outof a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on hisbrakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches!

The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.So I asked, "Why did you just do that? This guy almostruined your car and sent us to the hospital!" This is when my taxidriver taught me what I now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck."

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, andfull of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbagetrucks take over their day. Life's too short to wake up in the morningwith regrets, so....."Love the people who treat you right. Pray for theones who don't."

Linguistics

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Things it takes most of us 50 years to learn

Things it takes most of us 50 years to learn:

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
3. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
4. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.
5. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
6. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.
7. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
8. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
9. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
10. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
11. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and he decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle or in some cases, really bad make-up too.
12. You should not confuse your career with your life.
13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor, is not a nice person.
14. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
15. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
16. Your true friends love you, anyway.
17. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Today's Reflection - Aug 9, 2008

Words -- so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them.
--Nathaniel Hawthorne

Would if Could

She said – she would
If only – she could
I know – she shan't
Because really she can't
If only we could –
Then it changes to should –
Not have done
And
What have we done
And a chance
We are done
So maybe
It's best not done
But I still Dream of Would & Could

Birthday Cake

At least once in everyone’s life you should have Birthday cake when it isn’t anybody’s birthday that you know. There is just a sinful pleasure about doing this – almost taboo. And I don’t mean like any other specialty cake. Just a plain old cake in vanilla or chocolate – pick your poison, with icing.

You get extra points if it has an inscription on it. This part I think borders on being a religion. Each time you have a piece of this cake you think of someone you do not know and wish them well.

With that being said – Happy Birthday Collett!! I hope nothing too serious happened why you didn’t get your cake. But for the record, the peach colour you chose was pretty and it tasted delicious.

LOL

Psalm 107:27-28

I don’t usually get very religious on this blog but it’s another side to me that gets me through a few rough patches. I’ve been home sick for almost a week now and I have had a lot of time to think (uh-oh). Earlier I felt a little down about my situation and I threw myself to sleep. I woke up to find this email from a guy I met at church a very long time ago. It’s a poem “Wit’s End Corner.” I decided to look it up to see if there was a book (and there is one on Alzheimer's) of the same name and I found this link – it’s the same poem used as the ending of the sermon. It had some supplementary words of encouragement I thought I would share with you as all.

In Psalm 107 there is a wonderful verse, "At their wit's end they cry unto the Lord in their trouble, and he bringeth them out ..." Based on that verse a wonderful poem has been written:

Are you standing at Wit's End Corner,
Christian, with troubled brow?
Are you thinking of what is before you
And all you are bearing now?
Does all the world seem against you
And you in the battle alone?
Remember -- at Wit's End Corner
Is just where God's power is shown.

Are you standing at Wit's End Corner,
Your work before you spread
All lying begun, unfinished
And pressing on heart and head
Longing for strength to do it,
Stretching out trembling hands?
Remember -- at Wit's End Corner
The Burden-Bearer stands.

Are you standing at Wit's End Corner?
Then you're just in the very spot
To learn the wondrous resources
Of Him who faileth not;
No doubt to a brighter pathway
Your footsteps will soon be moved
But only at Wit's End Corner
Is the "God who is able" proved.

It is at Wit's End Corner, driven by the Spirit into the place where the pressure is so great that we have no other recourse but to cry out to God for help, that at last we begin to learn. It breaks upon our dull, slow minds that this help is not something intended for emergency situations only. This dependence on him is the principle upon which God expects us to meet every circumstance. It is thus we enter into rest.

Have you ever felt like you’ve reached to your wit’s end? I have hit it a few times. And now in retrospect, what felt so overwhelming? Somehow, things seem to work out huh? So even if you’re not religious, just remember that after you’ve reached wit’s end, there’s still tomorrow.

Do not get discouraged; it may be the last key in the bunch that opens the door.

--Stansifer

Allegory of the Cave

I love Philosophy. One of my favourite Greek philosophers is Plato. When I saw this Garfield strip I thought of his work in the “Allegory of the Cave.”

For my readers who aren’t familiar with the account, it tells of a situation where prisoners are held in a cave. They are bound and placed to sit only with their backs turned to the opening of the cavern. Their view is limited to the back wall and the only thing they can see are silhouettes of objects that pass in front of the opening where the faint light casts a shadow.

One of the prisoners escapes and decides to venture out in to the unknown. Once stepping through the entrance, he is blinded by the intensity of the light as his eyes have grown accustomed to the dimly lit environment. After his eyes have adjusted, he sees that there is a whole new world outside the cave – objects have more depth to them and they are in colour.

He decides to return to share his new experience with the others who are still bound. After the exposure to outside, he has difficulty seeing anything inside in the darkness, wanting more light. He describes all the wonderful things he has seen but they cannot relate. In fact, they start to wonder if he isn’t crazy and how leaving has damaged his sight. The prisoners are resolute about not being freed because they are comfortable with how things are.

I can relate to the freed prisoner. Ever feel like no one’s on your wavelength? Like you’re seeing things in a different dimension from everyone else? And when you give your account the reaction you get is like wide-eyed wonder, “O k a y t h e n …?” You’re always misunderstood?

Yeh… it sure does suck. But alas it’s not going to let me change who I am. A simple example is how some people can’t relate when I say that a shade of green has more yellow in it. Blue is blue. Yellow is yellow. Right? How you see some other colour in a colour?

I’m sensitive. Sometimes overly so and it’s because of how I think. I’ve been told many times that I “think too much” and people get in trouble when I think. Hmmm… Sorry? I don’t want to live my life with limited scope and not be able to have a deeper understanding of everything I’m interested in. And I don’t mean to be condescending either. I’m just different.

Right now I am just trying to make myself comfortable in the patch of weeds. Why can’t we all accept that the one thing we all have in common is that we’re different?

When life throws you lemons...

'The Pessimist complains about the wind, the Optimist expects it to change, and the REALIST adjusts his sails.'

-- Author unknown

People Kill People

At the risk of sounding cliché, do you ever feel lonely when you’re in a crowded room? Or how about no one’s tuned in to your wavelength? Maybe even like your life is like an oxymoron – sad and can’t find happiness; lonely yet you stay alone; misunderstood but continue to build that wall around yourself; being a social butterfly yet still an anthropophobe?

Somehow I thought that these emotions only plagued teenagers when their hormones are making them crazy. As an adult with the same experience, people start thinking there is a problem at hand and psychologists have monopolised on the opportunity and branded these “conditions” with all sorts of fancy names and charge you the big bucks to sit and listen.

You know how they say “Guns don’t kill people; people kill people,” it’s so true. Our mental stability hinges on the survival of the fittest concept. Think of this – Sam rapes Ann and she is traumatised for life – discovers she got pregnant as a result of the incident, becomes depressed and commits suicide. Sam was subjected to watching his own mother – Kate, and sister – Mary, beaten and raped by his father – Tim, when he was a child. Kate died as a result of the domestic violence, Tim was imprisoned for first-degree murder, and Sam and Mary sister grew up in a foster home as two of twelve children. Hereinafter Mary grows up, suffers from munchausen - making herself sick by taking medicine, in order to get the affection she lacked as a child, overdoses and dies alone in her apartment and is undiscovered for days.

Sounds like something out of a TV show but it’s real. It’s life. It’s how we are all victims of our own demise called life. The weak among us break like Sam and Mary. The outcome for some is rehabilitation by people who are given incentive to care rather than the sincerity that it takes. Others are just overlooked. Some even turn to religion to feel accepted. There you’re with a group of people who are taught to be hypocrites to each other, and even when that fails, to believe that there is this invisible being that loves you regardless. The vicious cycle continues.

Bottom line is that human beings are inherently selfish. We don’t like to admit the fact that underneath the developed speech and the “forward” thinking that therein still beats the heart of a vicious animal. If we can’t rise above the cannibalistic tendencies, no wonder our environment and other species suffer at our hands.

I’ve really come to hate the way people are. And I am extremely tired of turning the other cheek.

Diet Questions Answered

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

----------
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

----------
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

----------
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

----------
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

----------
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening!!!.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

----------
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

----------
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

----------
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

----------
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO! What a Ride'

AND...

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Wishlist

I have been bitten by the AutoBug again. I've been fighting the urge to play with my car and so for almost two years I have done nothing more than drive it and service it. I'm scared to start messing with it because I don't want bad karma to follow me - oh but wait - that's when you have sex in your car, nevermind. LOL But still... I would like to do some little projects on it. Here is my wish list and I will update it as this week goes on:

1. Skunk2 Catback Exhaust
2. Tein S-tech Lowering Springs

Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

One of my most favourite T-shirts has the character Grumpy from "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves" on it with a caption on it that says "I'm not Grumpy!"

This T-Shirt has gotten all kinds of responses varying from "You're more chunky" to "You're too pleasant to be Grumpy." Either way clothes like that is begging to become a conversational piece. Funny enough it has caused me to appreciate this joke below (I'm still laughing and I've read it like 5 times already. Maybe the shirt should read "Corny" instead).

I got rear-ended this morning on the way to work.

There we were pulled over alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car and . . .

You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and then suddenly some little thing will strike you as the funniest thing in the world?

Well, I could NOT believe it . . . the guy was a DWARF!

He stormed up to my car, looked up at me, and said "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

I looked down at him and replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

And that's when the fight started.

Criticism

"Never criticize your lover. Their flaws prevent them from loving someone better than you."

-- Author Uncertain

Sexual Experience

"Everyone knows that the sexual experience can be the single most loving, most exciting, most powerful, most exhilarating, most renewing, most energizing, most affirming, most intimate, most uniting, most recreative physical experience of which humans are capable."
---Conversations With God Book

The World Needs More Purple

Words Evade Me

Usually writing is an outlet for me, but lately I just can’t put pen to paper – or finger to keyboard as the case may be. I think I need to isolate a few feelings before I can focus to write about it. In the mean time a good outlet is through music.

Read on…

Flaws And All - Beyonce
I'm a train wreck in the morning
I'm a bitch in the afternoon
Every now and then without warning
I can be really mean towards you
I'm a puzzle yes in deed
Ever complex in every way
And all the pieces aren't even in the box
And yet, you see the picture clear as day.

[Chorus]
I don't know why you love me
And that's why I love you
You catch me when I fall
Accept me flaws and all
And that's why I love you

I neglect you when I'm working
When I need attention I tend to nag
I'm a host of imperfection
And you see past all that
I'm a peasant by some standards
But in your eyes I'm a queen
You see potential in all my flaws
And that's exactly what I need.

[Chorus]


I know I'll see you again whether far or soon. But I need you to know that I care and I miss you.

Samantha James - Rise

I sat here doing nothing much when I noticed my friend was listening to this song and I remembered the lyrics. At this moment I was tempted to reach out and mend a broken fence, but I stopped myself. Why waste time if my efforts go in vain?

You should believe me
And everything I choose to do
You should believe that
I’ll Always come back to you

Life is discovering
The love that we create
Life is a mystery
We need to embrace

In every way
You need to let go
You’ll see all your dreams will follow
In every way
You need to let go

(Chorus)
People rise together
When they believe in tomorrow
Change the day to forever
This life keeps movin’ (Repeat 2x)

Open your mind and see
We have everything we need
Dream or reality
Fulfill its destiny

In every way
You need to let go
You’ll see all your dreams will follow
In every way
You need to let go