New Years Resolutions You Can Keep

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

• Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
• Stop exercising. Waste of time.
• Read less. Makes you think.
• Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
• Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
• Spend more time at work.
• Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
• Get in a whole NEW rut!
• Personal goal: Bring back disco.
• Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
• Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
• Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
• Get further in debt.
• Break at least one traffic law.
• Associate with even worse business clients.
• Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.
• Wait around for opportunity.
• Focus on the faults of others.
• Mope about my faults.
• Never make New Year's resolutions again.

I'm glad this year is almost over...

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

I read this advice on breakup and thought it to be invaluable to everyone who ever had to deal with ending a relationship. I hope this can inspire someone else too to realize that it's over but all is not lost. Enjoy!

I went through a break up when I was 20 that made me feel my life was over. I had dated this man for three years and even though the relationship had deteriorated (with me turning a blind eye to it) it felt like an out of nowhere punch in the stomach knocking the wind out of me for months. There is no "non-painful" way to deal because this person was meaningful to you, unlike the relationships that feel temporary and serve purposes but you know are not "forevers." Here's what I did and in the long run have never been happier.

1. FEEL IT! Let the loss and anger and disgust and pain and self-loathing and all that ugliness in. Appreciate in some way that you are never feel more alive as a human as when you are able to experience strong emotion. To deny this makes the process last longer and no one wants that!

2. Attach/Re-Attach to friends and family quickly and let them support you, even if you feel ashamed or embarrassed that your relationship is over. They can handle the weight of your breakup better than you can and are probably willing to listen, feed you and comfort you.

3. Cut contact for an extended while with the ex. It does NOT help to try to be friends or friendly until you have healed. This includes sex! Even if sex was the only place in your relationship where things were good, DO NOT HOOK UP WITH THE EX, it becomes very confusing.

4. Get busy, do those things you compromised on not doing while you were dating. Ex: See those chick flicks he wouldn't see with you, join an evening book club, go on minivacations, learn how to juggle (this one is great!), etc...

5. When you have your mind back a little, mourn the PARTS of the relationship that were positive and you'll miss and cele-brate the parts that were toxic to you. Look realistically at where your relationship wasn't ideal. Do not only reflect on the ideal moments. Look at the fights, the awkward sex moments, the disappointments, the thoughtless gifts, the forgotten anniversaries, etc...

6. Wait it out. My mom told me, as I wept day after day in my sweat pants, that it takes half the time you dated before you are able to truly be over it. This wasn't too far off. Just trust that the reminders, songs, locations, etc... that bring on the deluge of tears will become increasingly infre-quent and soon you'll be able to "reclaim" those places and give them new meanings with new friends or solo experiences. Take your favorite spots back and own them in a new and single way!.

This is what I"ve learned and hopefully it can help others.

Real Newspaper Ads

• 3-year-old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.
• Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
• Vacation special: Have your house exterminated.
• Dinner Specials: Turkey $3.25 Chicken or Beef $2.75 Children $2.00.
• Illiterate? Write today for free help.
• Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
• Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
• Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
• Stock up and save. Limit: one.
• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
• Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale.
• For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
• We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do itcarefully by hand.
• Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Jesus is Better than Santa

Santa lives at the North Pole,

JESUS is everywhere.

Santa rides in a sleigh JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water,

Santa comes but once a year,

JESUS is an ever- present help.

Santa fills your stockings with goodies,

JESUS supplies all your needs.

Santa comes down your chimney uninvited,

JESUS stands at your door and knocks... and then enters your heart.

You have to stand in line to see Santa,

JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.

Santa lets you sit on his lap,

JESUS lets you rest in His arms.

Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is "Hi little boy or girl, What's your name?"

JESUS knew our name before we did. Not only does He know our name, He knows our address too. He knows our history and future and He even knows how many hairs are on our heads.

JESUS has a heart full of love.

JESUS offers health, help and hope.

Santa says "You better not cry,"

JESUS says "Cast all your cares on me for I care for you.

Santa's little helpers make toys,

JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken homes and builds mansions.

Santa may make you chuckle but,

JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.

While Santa puts gifts under your tree,

JESUS became our gift and died on the tree.

It's obvious there is really no comparison. We need to remember WHO Christmas is all about. We need to put Christ back in Christmas. Jesus is still the reason for the season.

Tattoo Parlor

Things you don't want to hear in a tattoo parlor:

• "Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE."
• "We're all out of red, so I used pink."
• "There are two O's in Bob, right?"
• "Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups."
• "Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room back here."
• "I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before."
• "The flag's all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect."
• "Oops ... "

Are You Full?

Aphrodisiacs include anything that arouses or intensifiessexual desires. This could be an erotic painting, drug (Vi-agra, etc.), smell (Escape for men, anyone?), food, and more. We will concentrate on the food aspects today. According to "sexpert" Dr. Ava, an aphrodisiac is described in the Ency-clopedia Britannica as: "The psycho physiological reaction that a well-prepared meal can have upon the human organism. The combination of various sensuous reactions, the visual satisfaction of the sight of appetizing food, the olfactory stimulation of their pleasing smells, and tactile gratifi-cation afforded the oral mechanism by rich, savory dishes tend to bring on a state of general euphoria conducive to sexual expression." Hmmm...that's totally what we're aiming for, right? Simply put, the use of food as an erotic stimu-lant is quite practical - food is inherently a need AND amethod of oral gratification. Now, combine the two, and you could have fireworks.

At first, making a big meal might not sound conducive as aprecursor to lovemaking sessions. Shy away from heavy meats,but emphasize seafood. This is lighter than other proteinsand won't give you the heavy bloated feeling that completelynegates the amorous atmosphere you are striving for. Here'sa simple tip to remember - any foods you eat with your fingers have great potential, period.

Enter fondues. What could be more tantalizing than dipping a ripe, bright red strawberry in chocolate sauce and licking the remains off your paramour's lips? Enough said. I would be remiss to not mention the art of eating a ripe pear. Watch the juices of a ripe pear flow over your partner's lips or mouth, and you'll be hooked. Observing him/her suck the juices and nibble on the pear might just be enough to send you over the edge...

While aphrodisiacs are not limited to culinary art, I wantto mention several popular food items for this cause. You'veprobably heard this before, but oysters are aphrodisiacs in many cultures. Oysters are high in zinc which often boosts testosterone levels in men. Food aphrodisiacs include, but are not limited to the following: artichokes, asparagus, avocado, basil, black beans(!), chilies, chocolate, coffee, grapes, honey, olives, pine nuts, rosemary, strawberries, popular spices, and some edible flowers. Some on the list might not be obvious choices, like black beans and chilies. The latter and other hot spices are thought to increase blood flow and circulation, so they have a popularfollowing.

As a side note, foods shaped like genitalia can be arousing.For instance, ripe figs are popular aphrodisiacs because some believe they resemble a woman's genitalia. Phallic-shaped items are often appetizing. The lush softness and shape of a banana make this fruit popular, and many men can attest to the eroticism of watching a woman lick an ice cream cone. Red foods are often thought of as succulent aphrodisiacs - tomatoes, strawberries, and, of course the forbidden fruit, red apples, are routinely thought of as sexually appetizing. If you decide to go all out and have the perfect aphrodisiac-laden dinner, don't forget the drinks! Libations, but specifi-cally wine and champagne, are the drinks of love.

Doesn't It Annoy You When...

1. There's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?
2. You buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?
3. There's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?
4. You're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?
5. You tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.
6. Someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.
7. A friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.
8. You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.
9. You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
10. A waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.
11. Your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.
12. The dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
13. The power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.
14. Someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check.
15. The elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.
16. You almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose every-thing.

Christmas Tree Topper

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floor-boards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheer-fully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree...

The Plusses of Plus Size

It's no secret that our culture worships thinness and equates the emaciated state with great beauty. It's also no secret that more and more of the population is succumbing to "obesity", gaining more weight than ever before. One secret that remains is that you can be overweight on the charts while still being healthy and beautiful. And the plus in the recent trend towards overweight in the general population means that, slowly but inexorably, fashion designers will be designing attractive clothes for plus-sized women. It's about time!

Remind yourself that its OKAY if you need a larger sizeI think most people are motivated to diet in order to fit a particular clothing size. That way lies madness, as sizes vary drastically, even within brands. Life is much simpler when clothes fit the person, rather than the other way around. And for plus-size people, finding the designs that complement the body is more than half the battle. Although many designers are starting to include plus size fashions (in sections separated from non-plus-sized clothes), the clothes often fall into the "giant-black tunic over giant black stretch pants" category. Look at companies that specialize in plus-sized clothes.

So, here are my beauty tips for plus sized women. You will not find the recommendation to wear black apparel because it's so slimming, or to wear neutrals because they help you "blend in".

1. Wear clothes that you love. If you feel pretty or elegant or sexy or classy in an plus size skirt, dress or other outfit, that's the way people will see you. Spend a little more if you have to, but find clothes and designers that work for you.


2. Wear brightly colored outfits to feel cheerful. Let your self shine through and only wear black if you happen to like the way you look in black. For example, EVERY woman should own a pair of the classic black plus size pants that go with everything. Just pair them with a bright shirt or blouse on top. Use your own good sense when mixing and matching.


3. If you have them, flaunt them. Some plus size tops, tanks and shirts were made to show off beautiful shoulders, or a nice bust. Don't hide in cowl-necks or tunics if you have the option of a nice V-neck or an off-the-shoulder top.


4. Pretty curvy legs are pretty curvy legs. Buy the best-looking hose in natural colors, strappy shoes or sexy boots and show the real estate between ankle and knee--the prettiest parts of the leg. A great aline skirt is wonderful way to show off nice legs as well.


5. Work on increasing your happiness and body images. It doesn't matter what you wear if you're happy, and the most fabulous clothes in the world can't cover up an unhappy face.


6. Exercise for your health, not for your derriere. Not for your mother, your boyfriend, the fashion industry, or your ideas of what you "should" look like. Focus on feel-good exercise like dancing, wandering through the woods, playing in the water. Stop tormenting yourself with the Stairmaster, and go outside to play.


7. Friendship is one of the primary components of a happy life. It's also one of the hardest things to maintain once we're grown up. Find friends, nurture relationships by hanging out together, make time for each other, and you'll enrich your life immeasurably.

Where have you been?

But one of the things that has to be faced is...to find out who we are, where we have come from and where we are going…I am saying as you must say, too, that in order to see where we are going, we not only must remember where we have been, but we must understand where we have been.
--Ella Baker.

Unusual phobias

Do people really have these phobias? hehe But I can somewhat understand being a
eisoptrophobe and pogonophobia...

• alektorophobia - fear of chickens
• aulophobia - fear of a flute
• clinophobia - fear of going to bed
• ecclesiaphobia - fear of churches
• eisoptrophobia - fear of mirrors
• geniophobia - fear of chins
• genuphobia - fear of knees
• gymnotophobia - fear of nudity
• ichthyophobia - fear of fish
• levophobia - fear of the left side
• linonophobia - fear of string
• meteorophobia - fear of being hit by meteor
• nephelophobia - fear of clouds
• odontophobia - fear of teeth
• ouranophobia - fear of heaven
• pediophobia - fear of dolls
• pogonophobia - fear of beards
• siderophobia - fear of starts
• stygiophobia - fear of hell
• triskaidekaphobia - fear of the number 13