Quotes From Steven Wright

• "Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark."
• "Many people quit looking for work when they find a job."
• "When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded."
• "I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out."
• "For every action, there is an equal and opposite criti-cism."
• "The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it."
• "Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
• "If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?"
• "I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it."
• "What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"
• "Boycott shampoo! Demand REAL poo!"
• "I intend to live forever - so far, so good."
• "Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."