Even More Bizarre May Holidays

• May 21 is National Memo Day and National Waitresses/Waiters Day
• May 22 is Buy-A-Musical-Instrument Day
• May 23 is Penny Day
• May 24 is National Escargot Day
• May 25 is National Tap Dance Day
• May 26 is Grey Day
• May 27 is Body Painting Arts Festival
• May 28 is National Hamburger Day
• May 29 is End Of The Middle Ages Day
• May 30 is My Bucket's Got A Hole In It Day
• May 31 is National Macaroon Day

The Perks of Being Over 60 Years Old

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m.
9. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room.
14. You sing along with the elevator music.
15. Your eyes won't get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

How People Are...

"When someone SHOWS you who they are.......believe them."
--Mayo Angelou

Bad Seed Diss

"I bet you're an only child," I said to this pain in the ass I was talking to.
"As a matter of fact, I am," he said. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"Nothing, really," I said. "It's just that there is a fine line between conception and indigestion."
"What?"
"I'm just saying that the night before you were conceived your mother may have swallowed what would have made a better person than you."

Inspiration: Wife & Window

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning, while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hang the wash outside.That laundry is not very clean, she said, she doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap. Her husband looked on, but remained silent. Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look! She has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this."The husband said: "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows!"
And so it is with life: "What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look. Before we give any criticism, it might be a good idea to check our state of mind and ask ourselves if we are ready to see the good rather than to be looking for something in the person we are about to judge. "

Swine Flu

"The government does not want us to call it the swine flu. They're calling it the 2009 H1N1 virus. The reason for the change is they want people to know you can still eat all the pork you want without any risk to your health, except diabetes, obesity and heart disease."

--Jimmy Kimmel

One of the Few Untaxable Items

“Thinking is one thing no has ever been able to tax.”
-- Charles Kettering

Play Play Money

Apparently there will be $5000 notes by September here. That is so sad. A reflection of where our economy is headed. Anyway, it's appropriate that I should stumble across this little fact.

There is more Monopoly money printed in a year, than real money printed throughout the world.

The amount of money in a Monopoly game is $15,140.

Misheard Lyrics

Kissthisguy.com is the only domain named after the world's most commonly misheard lyric (or is it?) From Jimi Hendrix's line " 'scuse me, while I kiss the sky!", this website archives many of the same type of mis-heard lines to many famous artists songs. Browse through artists such as The Monkees to the B-52's to Sheryl Crow. Have a line that you have always mis-heard/mis-sung and would like to add it? Do so here!

Encouragement

Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.
-- Unknown

Closedmindedness

The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance,it is the illusion of knowledge.
-- Daniel Boorstin

Woman skydives to mark 70th birthday

I want to do something exciting like this but not wait until I am 70. This woman gets mad props. I cannot imagine my mom who is 1 year shy of her age doing this. LOL

OGDEN, Utah - A Utah woman who survived a bout of potent-ially deadly West Nile virus says she celebrated her 70th birthday by skydiving with family and friends. Fay Andrews, who suffered from West Nile two years ago, said she celebrated her Monday birthday early by jumping out of a Cessna 208 Saturday alongside her grandson, grandnephews, grandniece and a friend while a crowd of 30 friends and family members looked on from the Ogden-Hinckley Airport, the Salt Lake Tribune reported. "When I was a little girl, somewhere in the back of my mind I wanted to jump from an airplane," Andrews said. "The idea must have stuck there." "It was wonderful," she told the assembled crowd after the jump. "You should try it." Andrews said her bout with West Nile virus left her hospitalized for five days and she required a month of rehabilitation to relearn how to walk and use her left arm. "I was in so much misery that I wanted to die," she said. "Then a friend pushed me and I decided that I was going to start living. I did everything I could to get better, including positive affirmations. I told myself over and over, 'Yes I can,' 'I can get healthy,' and 'I am healthy.'"

Bizarre Facts

• Every day 20 banks are robbed. The average take is $2,500!
• The most popular first name in the world is Muhammad!
• Tablecloths were originally meant to be served as towels with which dinner guests could wipe their hands and faces after eating!
• Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult!
• One car out of every 230 made was stolen last year!
• The names of Popeye's four nephews are Pipeye, Peepeye, Pupeye, and Poopeye!

[From strangefacts.com]

Workplace Blues

"How many people work in your office?" the boss asked the department head.
"Oh, about half of them, sir!"

It annoys me so much when some people are more dedicated and work harder to achieve goals and objectives and others are just along for a ride. When can I just kick back and ride it out too? Cho!

25 Things You Will Never Hear A Woman Say...

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More Bizarre May Holidays

• May 11 is Eat What You Want Day and Twilight Zone Day
• May 12 is Limerick Day
• May 13 is Leprechaun Day
• May 14 is National Dance Like A Chicken Day
• May 15 is National Chocolate Chip Day
• May 16 is Wear Purple For Peace Day
• May 17 is Pack Rat Day
• May 18 is International Museum Day and Visit Your Relatives Day
• May 19 is Frog Jumping Jubilee Day
• May 20 is Eliza Doolittle Day

Sunburn Tips

If you are like me who gets burnt on a cloudy day then you might appreciate these tips to help in the unfortunate event it happens. Read on...


Sunburn Prevention:
Prevention is the best remedy here, if you can. Long-term results from excessive exposure to the sun, such as skin cancer and wrinkled skin, can be avoided with proper precautions. One of the best preventatives is to use a sun-screen with an SPF of 30 that offers protection against both UVA and UVB rays. You can get as much sun sightseeing as baking at the beach, so use sunscreen whenever you are outdoors.

Use an aloe vera lotion containing a sunblock. This will cut out 90% of the burning rays and allow 75% of the tanning rays to reach the skin.

To speed healing take the following supplements for a few days after getting burned: 1,000 mg of vitamin C, 400 I.U. of vitamin E, 15 mg of beta carotene, and 1-2 tablespoons (or about 3 capsules per teaspoon) of flaxseed oil, an essential fatty acid.

Caution: don't ever cover a sunburn that is blistered or open with an ointment, oil, salve or butter, for it will make the area susceptible to infection.

Remedies:

Aloe: Take as many leaves as necessary from an aloe plant; refrigerate; peel off top layer of leaves; apply the side of the leaf with flesh exposed directly to the sunburn. Other remedies use aloe vera juice: for mild to medium sunburn, keep the affected area moist with aloe vera juice. Repeat frequently. This will reduce the pain and the amount of peeling. Aloe vera ointment works well, too, as it contains oil and will not evaporate. For a severe sunburn, keep the area moist at all times with aloe vera juice. Since aloe vera is an astringent, you may want to use aloe vera ointment or some sort of oil, such as olive or baby. Aloe is very effective in relieving pain and inflammation.

Combine aloe juice with ½ the amount of vitamin E. Dab on the sunburn. Vitamin E is a good moisturizer.

Apple cider vinegar: Apply apple cider vinegar to the burn with a cottonball, or make a cooling compress for a large area to relieve the pain. Keep the skin moistened. This remedy will prevent blistering and peeling.

Aspirin: Aspirin kills the pain and reduces inflammation and redness of a sunburn. It short-circuits the whole sunburn process. It must be taken within 24 hours of getting sunburned. Aspirin is preferable to ibuprofen or acetaminophen because it is less stressful on the liver and kidneys.

Baking soda: Dissolve some baking soda in water and make a compress using a clean cloth. Another remedy is to add 1/2 cup of baking soda to a tepid bath and soak. Instead of drying the affected area with a towel, let it air dry. Baking soda is cooling and will help the skin retain moisture.

Baths: Add 20 drops of each of lavender and chamomile essential oils to a tubful of cool water and soak for 10 minutes.

Cucumber: Rub sunburned area with fresh cucumber slices. They are very cool and will soothe the area.

Epsom salts: Dissolve epsom salts in water and make a compress using a clean cloth.

Ice: Apply ice or cold water to the burned area. This will stop the burning process and cool the skin.

Lavender: Mix 20-25 drops of lavender oil in one cup of water and bathe the sunburned area.

Lemon Water: Mix the juice of three lemons into two cups of cold water and sponge on the sunburn. The lemon will cool the burn, act as a disinfectant, and will promote healing of the skin.

Milk: Make a compress of whole milk (or buttermilk) and apply to the burned area for 20 minutes; repeat every two to four hours. Wash the milk off so you won't smell sour! The fat content of the milk is soothing for burns.

Oatmeal: Put some oatmeal in tepid bath water, soak for a few minutes, then air dry yourself.

Oil: Cover the area with cooking oil and sprinkle powdered ginger on the oil. This will promote healing.

Onion: Bruise an onion and rub on the burn.

Peppermint: Apply peppermint oil to the sunburned skin. You can also make a mild peppermint infusion and use it as a wash to cool the sunburn.

Potato: Grate a potato and apply it to the burned area. The starch will cool and soothe the burn.

Shower: Take a warm shower to draw out the heat of your sunburn. The warm water will increase circulation to the area while hydrating it, thereby speeding the healing process.

Tea: Make some tea, cool, and apply to the burn. While any tea may be beneficial, mint tea, such as peppermint or spearmint are especially good. The teas have tannins that help the healing process.

Yogurt: Apply plain yogurt with live cultures, let it stand for a few minutes, then rinse off under cool water.

Another remedy using yogurt is to mix equal parts of yogurt and mashed strawberries and apply to the sunburned area for 15 minutes. Rinse with cool water.

Caution! You may have sun poisoning if you experience chills, fever, or get blisters or a rash. See your physician!

Recipe: Coconut Creme Brulee

I saw this recipe with my favourite Malibu Coconut Rum and I think I am going to try it. Let me share the recipe.


INGREDIENTS:
1 cup heavy cream
1 cup coconut milk, fresh or canned
8 egg yolks
1/3 cup granulated white sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 tablespoons Malibu rum
1/4 cup granulated white sugar (for the caramelized tops)(optional)
3 tablespoons toasted, sweetened, flaked coconut

DIRECTIONS:Preheat oven to 300 degrees. In a large bowl, combine thecream, coconut milk, egg yolks, sugar, vanilla, and rum.Whisk until smooth. Skim off any foam or bubbles. Dividemixture among 6 ramekins or custard cups. Place in a waterbath and bake until set around the edges, but still loosein the center, about 50 minutes. Remove from oven and leavein the water bath until cooled. Remove cups from water bathand chill for at least 2 hours, or up to 2 days. When readyto serve, sprinkle about 2 teaspoons of sugar over each custard and caramelize with small butane torch. When the tophas hardened, sprinkle the toasted coconut evenly over thefinished creme brulee.

NOTES: To toast coconut, spread it out in a thin layer on abaking sheet. Place in a 300 degree oven for 10 to 12 minutes,until lightly browned. Shake the baking sheet a few times whiletoasting, checking often to be sure it doesn't burn. Also, if you do not have the torch you can put under thebroiler one at a time to caramelize the sugar but watch carefullyto prevent burning them.

Yield: Serves 6
Category: Desserts

Realtor offers free divorce with home

HUELVA, Spain - A Spanish real estate company is offering a free divorce lawyer as an incentive to couples who purchase three-bedroom homes in Huelva province. Officials with Geimsa realtors said the deal is aimed at couples who have been postponing divorce because they can't afford new homes, Britain's The Daily Telegraph reported. "A divorce is very expensive," said Vanesa Contioso of Geimsa. "So we are offering new clients the free use of our lawyers to handle the process." The deal applies to married couples who purchase three-bedroom homes for at least $89,000 in Huelva province.

Buddha With Thousand Hands

Never Give Up

“A man is not finished when he is defeated. He is finished when he quits.”
-- President R.M. Nixon

The Voca People

Reality Hurts

"Humankind cannot stand very much reality."
-- T. S. Eliot

Second Guessing God

“Beware in your prayer, above everything, of limiting God, not only by unbelief, but by fancying that you know what He can do.”
-- Andrew Murray

Problem Solving

"If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail."
-- Abraham Maslow

Bizarre May Holidays

• May 1 is Mother Goose Day and Save The Rhino Day
• May 2 is Fire Day
• May 3 is Lumpy Rug Day
• May 4 is National Candied Orange Peel Day
• May 5 is National Hoagie Day
• May 6 is Beverage Day
• May 7 is International Tuba Day, Paste Up Day, and National Roast Leg of Lamb Day
• May 8 is No Socks Day and Have A Coke Day
• May 9 is Lost Sock Memorial Day
• May 10 is Clean Up Your Room Day

Snowball - The Dancing Cockatoo

Snowball is a Medium Sulphur Crested Eleanora Cockatoo that dances to the Back Street Boys and other songs that he rates as having a "very good beat."

Control Over Your Life

“You cannot control the length of your life, but you can control its width and depth.”
-- Evan Esar

Good Times...

Love Your Neighbour

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it, you shall love your neighbor as yourself.
-- Jesus of Nazareth

Stab of Indifference

The worst sin toward our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them: that's the essence of inhumanity.
--George Bernard Shaw

Human Composition

We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow some-times in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in onerealm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.
--Anais Nin

Let It Go

Let It Go By T. D. Jakes










There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk
Away from you: let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you,
Loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you,
Staying attached to you.
I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
The Bible said that, they came out from us that it might
Be made manifest that they were not for us.
For had they been of us, no doubt they
Would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]
People leave you because they are not joined to you.
And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.
Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means
That their part in the story is over. And you've got
To know when people's part in your story is over so that you
Don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something.
I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift,
I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful,
it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God
Means for me to have He'll give it to me.
And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you
And was never intended for your life, then you need to......
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ......
LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back,
And see your worth.....
LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you,
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......
LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets
Your needs or talents
LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude.......
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......
LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take
You to a new level in Him........
LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even
Try to help themselves......
LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed .........
LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to
Handling yourself and God is saying
"take your hands off of it," then you need to......
LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things.
GOD is doing a new thing for this New Year!
LET IT GO!!!
Get Right or Get Left .. Think about it, and then,
LET IT GO!!!
"The Battle is the Lord's!"

Are You Going to Finish Strong?

Nick Vujicic has no arms or legs but has come to terms with his lot in life and he delivers an inspirational speech to these school kids that they will probably never forget.

Can't Do Anything Right

Today was one of those days...

Child Prodigies

Ever read of some amazing accomplishments of young people and just wonder what it takes to achieve what they have? Check out these examples.

In 2001, a Nepalese boy named Temba Tsheri became the youngest person to climb Mount Everest. While traveling with a French hiking group, the 16-year-old reached the summit of the mountain, which is approximately 29,035 feet high!

It took six weeks at sea, but Michael Perham, a 14-year-old from Hertfordshire, England, managed to sail solo across the 3,500-mile long Atlantic Ocean in his yacht, the Cheeky Monkey, in January 2007.

Child prodigy Ruth Elke Lawrence was only 11 years old when she passed the Oxford entrance exam in mathematics, and became the youngest person ever to attend the prestigious university. With her father there to accompany her to classes, Ruth graduated with a bachelor's degree in two years instead of the usual three. Now in her thirties,Lawrence teaches at Hebrew University in Jerusalem.

The Guinness Book of World Records credits Balamurali Ambati as the youngest person to become a doctor. Balamurali graduated from NYU at the age of 13 and from Mount Sinai's School of Medicine at age 17. He currently teaches and does research in ophthalmology, and has a long list of awards and honors under his belt.

Arfa Karim Randhawa of Pakistan caught the attention of Bill Gates after passing her Microsoft Certified Professional examinations at age ten. After she asked for a job, Gates suggested she should stay in school, but did offer her an intership instead.

In the small country of Bhutan in southern Asia, the youngest monarch in the world ruled the throne for over 30 years. Jigme Singye Wangchuck was only 17 when he became the "Druk Gyalpo," or "Dragon King," back in 1972, and he remained in power until 2006, when he handed over control to his oldest son.

Perspective

"You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic."
-- Doris Egan (House M.D., House vs. God)

Wanted: The Inexperienced

I used to be one who would totally rule out the idea of being with a younger man. But lately, I don’t think it’s as bad as I made it out to be. I mean, yeh… a younger guy is going to be immature in some ways. But just think of all the things you can teach and influence him to do just because he doesn’t have as much experience. LOL No… I am not being manipulative, but sometimes people with less experience have more opened minds. A friend of mine is with a guy much younger than she is and they are so happy. Maybe this young boy thing should be a point to consider.

Trials To Endure

"The manner in which one endures what must be endured is more important than the thing that must be endured."
-- Dean Acheson (1893-1971), American statesman and lawyer; served as United States Secretary of State in the administration of President Harry S. Truman during 1949–1953.

Always Remember to Never...

"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use."
--Wendell Johnson

Quotes From Steven Wright

• "Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark."
• "Many people quit looking for work when they find a job."
• "When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded."
• "I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out."
• "For every action, there is an equal and opposite criti-cism."
• "The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it."
• "Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
• "If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?"
• "I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it."
• "What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"
• "Boycott shampoo! Demand REAL poo!"
• "I intend to live forever - so far, so good."
• "Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."

Work Will Never Be Done

"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important."
--Bertrand Russell

Life's Time Machines

"We all have our time machines. Some take us back, they're called memories. Some take us forward, they're called dreams."
--Jeremy Irons

What Not to Say to a Police Officer!

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee, Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?", you probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee, Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Wish I Was Here Right Now...

Oxymorons

"Once Again" is an oxymoron, is it not? It's part of the tradition of putting two terms together that have no business being anywhere near each other.
You may remember such classics as... jumbo shrimp, deafen-ing silent, military intelligence, sweet sorrow, organized chaos, Icy Hot, nondairy creamer, mutual differences, mandatory options and head butt.
Any other additions to the club?

My Doggie

"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."

-- Roger Caras (1928-2001), American wildlife photographer, writer, wildlife preservationist and television personality.

I Love My Doggie

Always Space for Dessert!

“Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, "No, thank you," to dessert that night. And for what!”
-- Erma Bombeck (1927-1996), American humorist who achieved great popularity for her newspaper column that described suburban home life humorously from the mid-1960s until the late '90s.

Giving Up Meat

The teacher in an adult Sabbath class asked a woman to read about the Israelites wandering in the desert. "The Lord heard you when you wailed, 'If only we had meat to eat!'" she began.

"Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month - until you loathe it." When the woman finished she paused, looked up and said, "Hey, isn't that the Atkins diet?"

Lesson in Irony

“Humor brings insight and tolerance. Irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding.”
-- Agnes Repplier (1855-1950), American essayist and writer, known for collections of scholarly essays in Compromises

Gettin' some...

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Finding the G-Spot

If a woman's partner wants to find the G-spot, and have some fun during the search, try the Bowling Ball. Hold your dominant hand (right for most people) palm up and curl your thumb and middle two fingers like you were holding a bowling ball. Keep the index and pinkie fingers straight. Curve the middle finger slightly more than the ring finger.
Now, thumb goes on the clit, middle two fingers go in the vagina, and outer two fingers (index and pinkie) massage the labia majora and/or perineum.
Rock your hand back and forth. If you're doing it right, your thumb will be massaging her clit on the forward rock and your middle two fingers will be stroking in her vagina on the backward rock.
As she becomes aroused, the curved tip of your middle finger should be on or near her G-spot and you can feel the difference in texture from the surrounding vaginal wall.
Vary the speed and pressure of the rocking motion until her eyes roll back, her toes curl and she loses the ability to form a coherent sentence.

Tax Time

When NASA started sending astronauts into space, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them.

I'm Not Just Lazy

Life's Like a Poker Game

"If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is--- it's you."
--Anonymous

Sex Complaints

Women complain about sex more than men.
Their gripes fall into two major categories: (1) Not enough. (2) Too much.
Better it be too much than not enough...

Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery

• Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
• Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
• Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
• Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
• Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
• There go the lights again...
• Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.
• Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
• Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
• What's this doing here?
• I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
• That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
• Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
• Sterile, shcmerle. The floor's clean, right?
• What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
• OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
• This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
• Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
• Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
• What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!
• FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
• Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
• Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?

Beggars Can't Be Choosers

Over this long weekend I took some time to reflect on my life as it is now. I dwelled a lot on how relationships in life are never perfect. I think the more I say it is the easier it will be for me to accept it. Being a combined perfectionist, idealistic, control freak is a bad way to be…

Last week in the office we were having a discussion about relationships. Coworker-J, who is in her mid forties and is unmarried, lately has found a new love interest and is enjoying life to the max – absolutely glowing. She has always made it known that there are certain absolutely minimum requirements for her to be with a man. He must be taller than she is – and that is no easy feat because she is about 5’10” tall herself, he must be good looking and physically fit (read no big belly) and must be a gentleman with opening doors for her and picking up the tab etc. For a woman of her age she is still very physically attractive so I guess it is not unfounded for her to demand an equally attractive mate.

So, Coworker-D then turned to me to say that I must not give up hope of finding that happiness with someone because even at Coworker-J’s age she still found it. Coworker-J did interject to tell me don’t wait that long because you miss out on a lot. Despite knowing that, why didn’t Coworker-J settle? It’s great to have ideals but at what point does it become pointless to demand so much?

I think I have some bomb inside that is almost at meltdown. I know several persons will say that I am still young and there is no need to rush, yadda yadda… but remember I am the perfectionist, idealistic, control freak? Yeh… what a quandary…

I have my ideals in a mate and lately I have been feeling that those requirements are baseless. Who am I to require “perfection” from someone when I am far from it? My biggest sore point is my weight. I’ve always wanted someone to love me just the way I am – all of me, but that is the first thing people see and judge you by. People are typically disgusted by an obese person. They don’t want to be with someone whose defect they will constantly have to be on guard to defend because that’s just the way people are.

If you took me as a person and put me in a size 6 body I think they would want to be with me, but since I am not attractive then there’s no real motivation. There was one guy who said after he left me that there are so many sexy women out there running him down, why should he stay and put up with my shit in a relationship. There was another guy who faked a relationship with me in hopes that I would lose the weight, and when I didn’t... And one guy didn’t want to take me anywhere to be seen with him. Really, I could go on with examples. And plain and simply… it hurts.

My initial reaction is why do people have to be so superficial, but everyone’s allowed their own ideals – heck even I have some. I’ve even been told that I am picky. *shock* You can see from my examples above that I have made pretty bad selections from my ideals. Perhaps I am overly ambitious in the type of man I want to be with considering that I have so little to give back. I’m always the one to love first and the last one to leave. I must give it to them for appreciating who I am on the inside to a certain extent – most end up still wanting to be friends, but it just goes to show what inherently is really important. Then it hits home that beggars can’t really be choosers.

Easy for you to say just get up and get on a diet and exercise 3 hours daily and lose the weight then if it’s such a problem. I really wish I could get over this hump and get the mindset to do it. I can’t explain it… but it’s almost the same reason someone suffering from depression can’t just will themselves to get up and be happy tomorrow. It just doesn’t work that easily.

There’s Friend-T who is somewhat aware of the struggle I have with my weight and constantly tries to reassure me that I am not as “fat” as I think I am. She’d point out women who are bigger than I am and show me how they’re enjoying life and they even have men too! LOL Maybe I am caught up with my state more than I ought to be and that is the root of the problem? I really don’t know. I just know that it comes up a lot.

My insecurities are in hyper-drive lately. I have to deal with the harsh realities of it all. And these ideals? They’re slipping. I can feel myself settling. I don’t want to hear that I deserve more because every time I go after more it backfires and I am left standing with nothing more than a broken heart and dented self-esteem.

I used to look down on some girls who would throw themselves at guys and in no time end up sleeping with them. I really thought about what their motivation could be to do something like that – giving them the benefit of the doubt that being a slut isn’t the cause but a symptom. I’ve concluded that they’re searching for some comfort in these men, perhaps some attention they didn’t get from their own father or just the feeling that for the moment when they’re in that man’s bed that they’re sated. While we have different symptoms, I can relate to that need of those girls to be wanted.

Hi. I am a 26 year old obese woman and I’m learning to accept that chances are I will be alone for the rest of my life.

Make The Effort

"The healthiest competition occurs when average people win by putting above average effort. "
--Colin Powell.

What is Love?

"Love is not a feeling, it's an act of your will."
-- Don Francisco

Friends Don't Stifle Friends

"No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow."
--Alice Walker

Before It's Too Late

"You cannot do a kindness too soon because you never know how soon it will be too late."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson, American philosopher (1803-1882)

Acting The Fool is Innate

"It is human nature to think wisely and act foolishly."
-- Anatole France (1844-1924), French poet, journalist, and novelist

What do men want?

"The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything."
--Friedrich Nietzsche

Silence isn't always good...

"Silence propagates itself, and the longer talk has been suspended, the more difficult it is to find anything to say."
-- Samuel Johnson

Quandry of A Virtuous Woman

"Accuracy is to a newspaper what virtue is to a lady, but a newspaper can always print a retraction."
--Adlai Stevenson

Personal Growth

“Be not afraid of growing slowly; be afraid only of standing still.”
-- Chinese Proverb

Men Are Like Fine Wine

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something which you'd like to have dinner with."

--Anonymous woman

Jamaica IM Shortcuts

• TWY = Tek Weh Yuself


• XA = X Amount


• AO = Alms Ouse


• BC = Blood Claat


• BPT = Back Pon Top


• BOAL = Buss Out A Laff


• BOABDL = Buss Out A Big Dutty Laff


• CAS = Crack A SmileDWL = Dead Wid Laff


• DWLAPUMS = Dead Wid Laff And Peepee Up Mi Self


• FR = Fi Real


• KMN = Kiss Mi Neckback


• KYAWO = Kut Yeye And Wheel Out


• LIH = Lick Innu Head


• LM = Likkle More


• MPD = Mad People Dem


• MYODB = Mine Yuh Own Dyamn Biznezz


• NR = Nuff Respect

I read this and I BOABDL

Every Hoe Has a Stick a Bush

“For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it.”


Ivan Panin (1855-1942), Russian emigrant to the United States who achieved fame for claiming that the text of the Hebrew and Greek Bible contained numeric patterns.

April Fool's Day Hoaxes

In the Julian calendar, April 1st was designated as the New Year's Day and was so celebrated till 1582, when Pope Gregory XIII ordered the adoption of the new Gregorian Calendar, which specified January 1st as the New Year's Day. Many French resisted the New Year's Day change, and as a result they were dubbed fools and made the victim of pranks. They were sent on 'fool's errands,' delivered fake invitations for parties and tricked into believing things that weren't true.

Here are a few pranks courtesy of Wikipedia...

• In 1998, Burger King ran an ad in USA Today, saying that people could get a Whopper for left-handed people whose condiments were designed to drip out of the right side. Not only did customers order the new burgers, but some specifically requested the "old", right-handed burger.


• In 1996, Taco Bell took out a full-page advertisement in The New York Times announcing that they had purchased the Liberty Bell to "reduce the country's debt" and renamed it the "Taco Liberty Bell." When asked about the sale, White House press secretary Mike McCurry replied tongue-in-cheek that the Lincoln Memorial had also been sold and would henceforth be known as the Lincoln Mercury Memorial.


• The BBC television program Panorama ran a famous hoax in 1957, showing the Swiss harvesting spaghetti from trees. They had claimed that the despised pest, the spaghetti weevil, had been eradicated. A large number of people contacted the BBC wanting to know how to cultivate their own spaghetti trees.


• In 2008, the BBC reported on a newly discovered colony of flying penguins. An elaborate video segment was even produced, featuring Terry Jones (of Monty Python fame) walking with the penguins in Antarctica, and following their flight to the Amazon rainforest.


• George Plimpton wrote a 1985 article in Sports Illustrated about a New York Mets prospect named Sidd Finch, who could throw a 168 mph (270 km/h) fastball with pinpoint accuracy. This kid, known as "Barefoot" Sidd[hartha] Finch, reportedly learned to pitch in a Buddhist monastery. The first letter of each word in the article subhead spelled out the fact of its being an April Fool joke.

Idiots

"Most people don't know what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it."
- George Carlin

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work in my Volvo 1800 leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.

I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila


Dear Sheila:

An 1800 stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum lines and hoses on the in-take manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

-Walter

How Long Is Too Long?‏

The media really does play a number on us. They paint all these pictures of ideal sex, and then men feel like they have to live up to an unattainable measurement. The images of lengthy, orgasm-inducing sex all over the place can start to take a toll on our perspectives and expectations.
I came across an article that might help put your mind at ease. "Short sex is the best, say experts" details how a random sampling considers intercourse to be ideal if it lasts between 7-13 minutes. Sound about right?

This is generally an adequate time but you would never know it based on everything we see in porn, television, and movies. Trust me, most women do not want to be jack hammered for 45 minutes at a time. Men, of course, would like it to last longer because it feels so good. But a part of this desire, too, is, again, the underlying belief that they need to be studs and go much longer.

How long is too long?

I Wanna Be

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are, because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far, for a might-have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

Trying to Help Out

Hope

“Hope is like the sun, which, as we journey towards it, casts a shadow of our burden behind us.”
--Samuel Smiles

Sex Statistics

• 10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date
• 20% of the men had sex in a non- traditional place
• 36% of the women favor nudity
• 45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes
• 46% of the women experienced anal sex
• 70% of the women prefer sex in the morning
• 80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations 90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest
• 99% of the women have never ex-perienced sex in the office.

Conclusion: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.

Moral: Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it.

We Think Ourselves In To Being

"Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives."
-- William James (1842-1910), American psychologist and philosopher trained as a medical doctor

I've always believed that so a man thinketh so is he (Proverbs 23:7). Unless you are mentally disturbed, all thoughts, whether it be good or bad, originate with a thought and manifests itself in the things we do. Also, when people are judgemental or accusatory of others' actions I think they come to that conclusion because somehow they have identified with something that person has done and automatically become suspicious of their intention because they can relate.

Is this far of a stretch? If you think good you expect good. If you think bad you expect bad. Fair enough?

Premise of a Blog

"It is not a bad idea to get in the habit of writing down one's thoughts. It saves one having to bother anyone else with them."
-- Isabel Colegate

Frosted Carrot Cake

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

LOL I like to cook. Recently I decided to try my hand at this new recipe for carrot cake I got on the internet. I love carrot cake. If I had some big occasion where I needed a nice dessert (I refuse to say at my wedding because that is looking next to never gonna happen) that would be one of my top 3 choices.

It had all sorts of delicious things in there like coconut, pineapple and nuts etc. I even decided to go all out and make a cream cheese icing to put on top. It was delicious! Only thing is I think the recipe is a little too oily. So the next time I do that recipe I a going to change it up some.

I'll share the recipe. But please heed to that word of caution about the oil. Enjoy!

INGREDIENTS:

2 cups flour

2 teaspoons baking powder

2 teaspoons ground cinnamon

1 1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1 1/2 teaspoon salt2 cups sugar

1 1/2 cup oil

4 eggs

2 cups finely grated carrots

1 (8 1/2 oz.) can crushed pineapple, drained

1/2 cup chopped nuts

1 (3 1/2 oz.) can flaked coconut (opt.)

***Cream Cheese Icing:***

1/2 cup butter, softened

1 (8 oz.) pkg. cream cheese, softened

1 teaspoon vanilla1 (16 oz.) box confectioners' sugar, sifted

DIRECTIONS:

Sift together flour, baking powder, cinnamon, baking soda andsalt into large mixing bowl. Add carrots, pineapple, nuts andcoconut. Blend thoroughly until moist. Grease 3 (9") round cakepans; line with waxed paper. Divide batter equally among pans.Bake at 350 degrees for 30 to 40 minutes. Cool 10 to 15 minutesin pans. Turn onto wire racks; cool completely. Fill and frostlayers with Cream Cheese Icing. Cake will keep covered inrefrigerator for two weeks. Cream Cheese Icing: Combine butter, cream cheese and vanillain small bowl. Cream well. Add sugar gradually, beating untilsmooth. If mixture is too thick, add small amount of milk to thin.

Yield: Approx 12 Servings

Wine & Cheese

Liking wine is an acquired taste. It's not the most palatable thing especially if you get it wrong with the wrong food pairings. I quite like the taste of wine and cheese. I came across this list of preferred wines for specific cheeses and thought I would share with my readers. I'm just sorry they didn't have a recommendation for goat cheese....

• BLUE: Full-bodied reds, full-bodied whites, light dry whites,sweet whites
  
• BRIE: Medium and full-bodied reds, fruity whites, champagne
  
• CAMEMBERT: Light, medium and full-bodied reds


• MILD CHEDDAR: Light and fruity reds, most whites, champagne


• SHARP CHEDDAR: Full-bodied reds, fruity reds


• EDAM: Medium reds, fruity roses, light dry whites,champagne


• EMMANTAL: Light and medium reds, fruity whites


• FETA: Light reds, fruity whites


• GOUDA: Medium and light reds, roses, light dry whites,champagne


• GRUYERE: Semi-sweet whites, light wines


• HAVARTI: Dry reds, dry whites


• MUENSTER: Fruity and light reds, full-bodied dry whites


• SWISS: Most wines, both red and white

How Do You Measure Up?

Is size really important though? And if it is... girth or length or a good balance of both?

Life in the 1500's

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the1500s:


Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.


Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water ...


Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying . It's raining cats and dogs.


There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt.. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Everyday they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."


Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.


Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.


England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

And that's the truth. Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

Adversity

"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome."
-- Anne Bradstreet

When overwhelmed by tasks...

"Start by doing what's necessary, then do what's possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible."
--Francis of Assisi

The First Thing You Notice

"According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars."
-- Author Unknown

Ain’t that the truth? I guess you could say that my breasts are my little piece of sex appeal. I know that no matter how much men try to look me in the face somehow when they glance away it’s usually a downward look to check out the rack. LOL

What do I physically look for in a guy? His height is the first thing. I am not attracted to men my height or shorter. Then it’s his mouth… the teeth must be good look and cared for and while nice lips are an added bonus good teeth can carry off even the thinnest lips. Next is his butt. LOL Not too flat but enough to grab on to. Also, I don’t like hairy men especially on the chest and limited on the face. Nice arms are an asset too. If I get close enough to find out he must not have bad breath – that rules smokers out on two levels. Usually smokers’ breath smells and their lips look dark and burnt. All in all a great personality to boot can overrule these physical attributes. hehe

A friend in need...

"Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again."
-- Author Unknown

Maybe I have surrounded myself with the wrong kind of people. But I realize that more and more people are selfish and insular. I don’t know if we’re all overwhelmed by the challenges life throws us so much so that we are too spent on our own problems to even be concerned about someone else as a means of self preservation. The irony is that usually it’s easier to cope when we share with each other rather than our natural instinct to act niggardly.

Case in point, last weekend I had battery problems. There is this coworker who lives very close to me and I had expressed having this difficulty to him. A few months ago when they had stolen his car I would take him to work and bring him home a few times just to help out a little. I guess it was too much to expect that he would offer to assist me in some way or even enquire as to how I would be getting to work Monday morning. Haha I don’t think so… In fact I was very late for work Monday morning and it never dawned on him to even ask if I got through when I finally arrived. LOL

Too often I have been bitten by overextending myself to people who won’t consider doing the same for me. I have decided to be more selfish for my own protection. But somehow that isn’t really who I am and it’s difficult to just turn a blind eye when I can easily help.

25 Phrases Of Wisdom

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

A Friend

To an athlete, “a friend is a balancing pole that enables us to walk the tightrope of life without falling.”

To a physician, “a friend may be likened to a soft bandage and a soothing ointment for the cuts and bruises of life.”

To a botanist, “a friend is a vine that clings to us and hides the discrepancies and rough places of life.” The florist added: “Yes, and the greater the ruin, the closer a friend clings.”

To a mourner, “a friend is one who comes in when the whole world goes out.”

Conscience

The voice of conscience is so delicate that it is easy to stifle it; but it is also so clear that it is impossibleto mistake it.
--Mme De Staîl

Worry Not

"Don't worry about tomorrow. After all, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday."
-- Author Unknown

Interesting Group Names

1. A group of unicorns... a blessing
2. A group of kangaroos... a mob
3. A group of whales... a pod
4. A group of geese... a gaggle
5. A group of owls... a parliament
6. A group of ravens... an unkindness
7. A group of crows... a murder
8. A group of bears... a sleuth
9. A group of alligators... a congregation
10. A group of cockroaches... an intrusion (This is the truest one of all!!)

Strength

"Strength is the ability to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of those pieces."
-- Judith Viorst

My Job

"Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity."
--Karl Marx

Perfect Day

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

The Right Person

"There are many more people trying to meet the right person than to become the right person."
--Gloria Steinem

How To Lie To The Bathroom Scale

1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner... as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost over-night.
2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.
4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off...to your advantage.
5. Always go to the bathroom first.
6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.
7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course.
8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).
9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?).
10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.

Signs You've Grown Up

• Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
• You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
• Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
• You don't know what time KFC closes anymore.
• Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
• Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
• Dinner and a movie is a whole date instead of the beginning of one.
• You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
• Ninety percent of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
• You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

Success

"Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed."
-- Booker T. Washington (1856-1915)
American educator, orator, author and leader of the African-American community.