Honda Vows

Our Father
Who Doesn't Recognize Any Other Engine
VTEC Be Thy Name
Thy Kingdom Come
VTEC Will Kick In
In Jamaica As It Does In Japan
Give Us This Day, Our Daily Kills
Whether It Be Toyota or Nissan
Forgive Those Who Repent Against The VTEC
And Deliver Us From Any Other Car
That Doesn't Wear The H Symbol
Amen

What is your sign?

• AQUARIUS You have an inventive mind and are a progressive thinker. You also lie a lot and are inclined to be careless and impractical, making the same mistakes over and over. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.
  
  PISCES You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA. You have some influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. Underneath it all you lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their noses a lot.
  
  ARIES You are the pioneer type and have strong leadership tendencies, but you regard others with contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and don't take well to advice. You are a Melvin.
  
  TAURUS You are down to earth and persistent. You are de-termined and can work like hell. Most people think that you are a pig headed not the best. You're probably a communist.
  
  
  GEMINI You are quick and intelligent - a thinker. People like you because you are bisexual, You are also a cheap bar steward, expecting everything for nothing. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest.
  
  
  CANCER You are extremely sensitive by nature and very caring. You are a wimp, You are hopeless at making decisions and that is why you will always be on welfare and you will never be worth a lot.
  
  
  LEO Leo people are born leaders but most people think they are just pushy. Most Leo's are bullies. They are assholes who break down under honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo People are thieving bullies who kiss mirrors a lot.
  
  
  VIRGO You are the logical type and detest disorder. Nit-picking makes your friends sick. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgo's make good bus drivers and pimps.
  
  
  LIBRA Librans are lucky in employment and financial matters. You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male then you are probably queer. Most Libran woman are whores. All Librans die of V. D.
  
  
  SCORPIO You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will reach the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect Son of a bitch. Most Scorpio people are murdered.
  
  
  SAGITTARIUS You are optimistic and enthusiastic with a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. Most Sagitarians are drunks or pot heads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always messing things up.
  
  
  CAPRICORN you are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance, you should kill yourself.
  

Dumb Warnings

These warnings are the consequences of numerous pointless lawsuits. In addition to the stupid warnings, you can also laugh at dumb bumper stickers, facts, criminal acts, and laws. Visit: DUMB WARNINGS

Whose Fault Is It...?

Awkward Family Photo

Jim was kind enough to remind everyone to shake well.

Top 10 Dog Pet Peeves About Humans

• Yelling at me for barking. I am a dog


• Taking me for a walk then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?


• Any trick balancing food on my nose.


• Yelling at me for rubbing myself on your carpet. Why did you buy carpet?


• Getting upset when I sniff your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered the handshake thing yet.


• Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you are not home.


• Taking me to the vet for "The big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out everytime we go back.


• Doggie Sweaters.


• The sleight of hand, fake fetch throws. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

Dirty Mind

Mr. White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl's school, asked during class, "Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the appropriate con-ditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily, "Mr. White, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this." With that, she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. White. "Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied the chapter I assigned. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

Ralph Wiggum

Ralph Wiggum is Springfield Elementary's worst student, but as a character on 'The Simpsons' he has the best lines. If you don't believe me then check out this link and learn some of the most hilarious lines of dialogue ever said on "The Simpsons".

"Me fail english. That's unpossible."

The Perks of Being Over 60 Years Old

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m.
9. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room.
14. You sing along with the elevator music.
15. Your eyes won't get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Bad Seed Diss

"I bet you're an only child," I said to this pain in the ass I was talking to.
"As a matter of fact, I am," he said. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"Nothing, really," I said. "It's just that there is a fine line between conception and indigestion."
"What?"
"I'm just saying that the night before you were conceived your mother may have swallowed what would have made a better person than you."

Swine Flu

"The government does not want us to call it the swine flu. They're calling it the 2009 H1N1 virus. The reason for the change is they want people to know you can still eat all the pork you want without any risk to your health, except diabetes, obesity and heart disease."

--Jimmy Kimmel

Misheard Lyrics

Kissthisguy.com is the only domain named after the world's most commonly misheard lyric (or is it?) From Jimi Hendrix's line " 'scuse me, while I kiss the sky!", this website archives many of the same type of mis-heard lines to many famous artists songs. Browse through artists such as The Monkees to the B-52's to Sheryl Crow. Have a line that you have always mis-heard/mis-sung and would like to add it? Do so here!

25 Things You Will Never Hear A Woman Say...

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Snowball - The Dancing Cockatoo

Snowball is a Medium Sulphur Crested Eleanora Cockatoo that dances to the Back Street Boys and other songs that he rates as having a "very good beat."

Good Times...

Can't Do Anything Right

Today was one of those days...

Always Remember to Never...

"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use."
--Wendell Johnson

Quotes From Steven Wright

• "Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark."
• "Many people quit looking for work when they find a job."
• "When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded."
• "I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out."
• "For every action, there is an equal and opposite criti-cism."
• "The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it."
• "Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
• "If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?"
• "I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it."
• "What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"
• "Boycott shampoo! Demand REAL poo!"
• "I intend to live forever - so far, so good."
• "Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."

What Not to Say to a Police Officer!

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee, Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?", you probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee, Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Giving Up Meat

The teacher in an adult Sabbath class asked a woman to read about the Israelites wandering in the desert. "The Lord heard you when you wailed, 'If only we had meat to eat!'" she began.

"Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month - until you loathe it." When the woman finished she paused, looked up and said, "Hey, isn't that the Atkins diet?"