Remove the Plank from Your Eye‏

"Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove the speck from your eye'; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."
--Matthew 7:1-5

"Don't be a fault-finding grouch; when you feel like finding fault with somebody or something, stop for a moment and think; there is apt to be something wrong within yourself."
-- J. J. Reynolds

Pride

“The most flammable kind of wood is the chip on the shoulder.”
-- E. Joseph Cossman

The News Is Depressing

"I always turn to the sports page first. The sports page records people's accomplishments; the front page nothing but man's failure."
--Chief Justice Earl Warren

A Little Knowledge Is A Dangerous Thing

"It's the tragedy of the world that no one knows what he doesn't know -- and the less a man knows, the more sure he is that he knows everything."
--Joyce Cary

Need To Be More Like A Cat

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want."
-- Joseph Wood Krutch (1893-1970), American writer, critic, and naturalist.

Dirty Mind

Mr. White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl's school, asked during class, "Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the appropriate con-ditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily, "Mr. White, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this." With that, she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. White. "Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied the chapter I assigned. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

Ralph Wiggum

Ralph Wiggum is Springfield Elementary's worst student, but as a character on 'The Simpsons' he has the best lines. If you don't believe me then check out this link and learn some of the most hilarious lines of dialogue ever said on "The Simpsons".

"Me fail english. That's unpossible."

Goodbye Almost Lover...

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you would never let forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

Go Away Sunny Day...

Virtuous Dilemma

"Virtue is its own punishment."
-- Aneurin Bevan

Where Is My Soulmate?

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
Is already in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Combating Negativity

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy -- meditate on these things.
-- Philippians 4:8

Although you cannot always control the negative thoughts that enter your mind, you do have control over how long you keep them there.

Judge quotes lewd poem in ruling

LUTON, England - A British divorce judge ruling in a custody case quoted a famous poem about parenting that included a four-letter profanity beginning with "f." Lord Justice Nicholas Wall said in granting custody to the mother of a 9-year-old boy -- a decision that overturned a lower court's ruling giving custody to the boy's grand-parents -- that both the mother and father had come "within a whisker" of losing their rights as parents, The Sun reported. Wall said the boy had been harmed by the parents' "ongoing mutual dislike and recriminations" toward one another after their relationship ended. The judge quoted Philip Larkin's 1971 poem, "This Be the Verse," saying: "They (expletive) you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had, and add some extra, just for you." Wall said the quoted lines "give a clear warning to parents."

Back to School

“Just when you think you’ve graduated from the school of experience, someone thinks up a new course.”
-- Mary H. Waldrip

Not Dressed Until You Put On A Smile

“We never know what ripples of healing we set in motion by simply smiling on one another.”

--Henry Drummond

Even More Bizarre May Holidays

• May 21 is National Memo Day and National Waitresses/Waiters Day
• May 22 is Buy-A-Musical-Instrument Day
• May 23 is Penny Day
• May 24 is National Escargot Day
• May 25 is National Tap Dance Day
• May 26 is Grey Day
• May 27 is Body Painting Arts Festival
• May 28 is National Hamburger Day
• May 29 is End Of The Middle Ages Day
• May 30 is My Bucket's Got A Hole In It Day
• May 31 is National Macaroon Day

The Perks of Being Over 60 Years Old

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m.
9. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room.
14. You sing along with the elevator music.
15. Your eyes won't get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

How People Are...

"When someone SHOWS you who they are.......believe them."
--Mayo Angelou

Bad Seed Diss

"I bet you're an only child," I said to this pain in the ass I was talking to.
"As a matter of fact, I am," he said. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"Nothing, really," I said. "It's just that there is a fine line between conception and indigestion."
"What?"
"I'm just saying that the night before you were conceived your mother may have swallowed what would have made a better person than you."

Inspiration: Wife & Window

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning, while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hang the wash outside.That laundry is not very clean, she said, she doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap. Her husband looked on, but remained silent. Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look! She has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this."The husband said: "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows!"
And so it is with life: "What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look. Before we give any criticism, it might be a good idea to check our state of mind and ask ourselves if we are ready to see the good rather than to be looking for something in the person we are about to judge. "