Worry Not

"Don't worry about tomorrow. After all, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday."
-- Author Unknown

Interesting Group Names

1. A group of unicorns... a blessing
2. A group of kangaroos... a mob
3. A group of whales... a pod
4. A group of geese... a gaggle
5. A group of owls... a parliament
6. A group of ravens... an unkindness
7. A group of crows... a murder
8. A group of bears... a sleuth
9. A group of alligators... a congregation
10. A group of cockroaches... an intrusion (This is the truest one of all!!)

Strength

"Strength is the ability to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of those pieces."
-- Judith Viorst

My Job

"Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity."
--Karl Marx

Perfect Day

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

The Right Person

"There are many more people trying to meet the right person than to become the right person."
--Gloria Steinem

How To Lie To The Bathroom Scale

1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner... as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost over-night.
2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.
4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off...to your advantage.
5. Always go to the bathroom first.
6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.
7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course.
8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).
9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?).
10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.

Signs You've Grown Up

• Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
• You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
• Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
• You don't know what time KFC closes anymore.
• Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
• Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
• Dinner and a movie is a whole date instead of the beginning of one.
• You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
• Ninety percent of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
• You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

Success

"Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed."
-- Booker T. Washington (1856-1915)
American educator, orator, author and leader of the African-American community.

Most Used Lies

TOP 13 MOST USED LIES
13. The check is in the mail.
12. You get this one, I'll pay next time.
11. You look great.
10. Of course I love you.
9. It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.
8. ...but we can still be good friends.
7. Don't worry, were not lost -- I KNOW where I'm going.
6. In this car, I can always go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."
5. Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.
4. I'll call you later.
3. I've never done anything like this before.
2. I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.
1. I DO

Everything Happens for a Reason

“Every experience God gives us, every person He puts in our lives, is the perfect preparation for the future that only He can see.”
-- Corrie Ten Boom

Well Known Adages

Do you recognize these well known adages? (Answers below).

1. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
2. Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
3. A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congeries of small, green, biophytic plant.
4. Members of an avian species of identical plumage tend to congregate.
5. It is fruitless to become lachrymose of precipitately departed lacteal fluid.
6. It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a super-annuated canine with innovative maneuvers.
7. Surveillance should precede saltation.
8. Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting petrious projectiles.
9. Where there are visible vapors having their provenance in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.

ANSWERS:

1. All that Glitters is not Gold.
2. Beggars cannot be choosers.
3. A Rolling Stone gathers no Moss.
4. Birds of a feather flock together.
5. Don't cry over Spilt Milk.
6. You cant teach an Old Dog new Tricks.
7. Look before you leap.
8. Those who live Glass Houses should cast no stones.
9. Where there is smoke, there will be fire.

Do Not Worry

A construction crew was building a new road through a rural area, knocking down trees as it progressed. A superintendent noticed that one tree had a nest of birds who couldn’t yet fly and he marked the tree so that it would not be cut down. Several weeks later the superintendent came back to the tree. He got into a bucket truck and was lifted up so that he could peer into the nest. The fledglings were gone. They had obviously learned to fly. The superintendent ordered the tree cut down. As the tree crashed to the ground, the nest fell clear and some of the material that the birds had gathered to make the nest was scattered about. Part of it was a scrap torn from a Sunday school pamphlet. On the scrap of paper were these words: He cares for you.

Bits and Pieces, November, 1989, p. 23.

Luke 12:22-28
22 Then Jesus said to his disciples: Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear.
23 Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes.
24 Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds!
25 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
26 Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?
27 Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labour or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendour was dressed like one of these.
28 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith!

Sometimes you just need to be reminded....

New Years Resolutions You Can Keep

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

• Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
• Stop exercising. Waste of time.
• Read less. Makes you think.
• Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
• Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
• Spend more time at work.
• Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
• Get in a whole NEW rut!
• Personal goal: Bring back disco.
• Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
• Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
• Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
• Get further in debt.
• Break at least one traffic law.
• Associate with even worse business clients.
• Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.
• Wait around for opportunity.
• Focus on the faults of others.
• Mope about my faults.
• Never make New Year's resolutions again.

I'm glad this year is almost over...

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

I read this advice on breakup and thought it to be invaluable to everyone who ever had to deal with ending a relationship. I hope this can inspire someone else too to realize that it's over but all is not lost. Enjoy!

I went through a break up when I was 20 that made me feel my life was over. I had dated this man for three years and even though the relationship had deteriorated (with me turning a blind eye to it) it felt like an out of nowhere punch in the stomach knocking the wind out of me for months. There is no "non-painful" way to deal because this person was meaningful to you, unlike the relationships that feel temporary and serve purposes but you know are not "forevers." Here's what I did and in the long run have never been happier.

1. FEEL IT! Let the loss and anger and disgust and pain and self-loathing and all that ugliness in. Appreciate in some way that you are never feel more alive as a human as when you are able to experience strong emotion. To deny this makes the process last longer and no one wants that!

2. Attach/Re-Attach to friends and family quickly and let them support you, even if you feel ashamed or embarrassed that your relationship is over. They can handle the weight of your breakup better than you can and are probably willing to listen, feed you and comfort you.

3. Cut contact for an extended while with the ex. It does NOT help to try to be friends or friendly until you have healed. This includes sex! Even if sex was the only place in your relationship where things were good, DO NOT HOOK UP WITH THE EX, it becomes very confusing.

4. Get busy, do those things you compromised on not doing while you were dating. Ex: See those chick flicks he wouldn't see with you, join an evening book club, go on minivacations, learn how to juggle (this one is great!), etc...

5. When you have your mind back a little, mourn the PARTS of the relationship that were positive and you'll miss and cele-brate the parts that were toxic to you. Look realistically at where your relationship wasn't ideal. Do not only reflect on the ideal moments. Look at the fights, the awkward sex moments, the disappointments, the thoughtless gifts, the forgotten anniversaries, etc...

6. Wait it out. My mom told me, as I wept day after day in my sweat pants, that it takes half the time you dated before you are able to truly be over it. This wasn't too far off. Just trust that the reminders, songs, locations, etc... that bring on the deluge of tears will become increasingly infre-quent and soon you'll be able to "reclaim" those places and give them new meanings with new friends or solo experiences. Take your favorite spots back and own them in a new and single way!.

This is what I"ve learned and hopefully it can help others.

Real Newspaper Ads

• 3-year-old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.
• Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
• Vacation special: Have your house exterminated.
• Dinner Specials: Turkey $3.25 Chicken or Beef $2.75 Children $2.00.
• Illiterate? Write today for free help.
• Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
• Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
• Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
• Stock up and save. Limit: one.
• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
• Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale.
• For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
• We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do itcarefully by hand.
• Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Jesus is Better than Santa

Santa lives at the North Pole,

JESUS is everywhere.

Santa rides in a sleigh JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water,

Santa comes but once a year,

JESUS is an ever- present help.

Santa fills your stockings with goodies,

JESUS supplies all your needs.

Santa comes down your chimney uninvited,

JESUS stands at your door and knocks... and then enters your heart.

You have to stand in line to see Santa,

JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.

Santa lets you sit on his lap,

JESUS lets you rest in His arms.

Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is "Hi little boy or girl, What's your name?"

JESUS knew our name before we did. Not only does He know our name, He knows our address too. He knows our history and future and He even knows how many hairs are on our heads.

JESUS has a heart full of love.

JESUS offers health, help and hope.

Santa says "You better not cry,"

JESUS says "Cast all your cares on me for I care for you.

Santa's little helpers make toys,

JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken homes and builds mansions.

Santa may make you chuckle but,

JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.

While Santa puts gifts under your tree,

JESUS became our gift and died on the tree.

It's obvious there is really no comparison. We need to remember WHO Christmas is all about. We need to put Christ back in Christmas. Jesus is still the reason for the season.

Tattoo Parlor

Things you don't want to hear in a tattoo parlor:

• "Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE."
• "We're all out of red, so I used pink."
• "There are two O's in Bob, right?"
• "Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups."
• "Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room back here."
• "I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before."
• "The flag's all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect."
• "Oops ... "

Are You Full?

Aphrodisiacs include anything that arouses or intensifiessexual desires. This could be an erotic painting, drug (Vi-agra, etc.), smell (Escape for men, anyone?), food, and more. We will concentrate on the food aspects today. According to "sexpert" Dr. Ava, an aphrodisiac is described in the Ency-clopedia Britannica as: "The psycho physiological reaction that a well-prepared meal can have upon the human organism. The combination of various sensuous reactions, the visual satisfaction of the sight of appetizing food, the olfactory stimulation of their pleasing smells, and tactile gratifi-cation afforded the oral mechanism by rich, savory dishes tend to bring on a state of general euphoria conducive to sexual expression." Hmmm...that's totally what we're aiming for, right? Simply put, the use of food as an erotic stimu-lant is quite practical - food is inherently a need AND amethod of oral gratification. Now, combine the two, and you could have fireworks.

At first, making a big meal might not sound conducive as aprecursor to lovemaking sessions. Shy away from heavy meats,but emphasize seafood. This is lighter than other proteinsand won't give you the heavy bloated feeling that completelynegates the amorous atmosphere you are striving for. Here'sa simple tip to remember - any foods you eat with your fingers have great potential, period.

Enter fondues. What could be more tantalizing than dipping a ripe, bright red strawberry in chocolate sauce and licking the remains off your paramour's lips? Enough said. I would be remiss to not mention the art of eating a ripe pear. Watch the juices of a ripe pear flow over your partner's lips or mouth, and you'll be hooked. Observing him/her suck the juices and nibble on the pear might just be enough to send you over the edge...

While aphrodisiacs are not limited to culinary art, I wantto mention several popular food items for this cause. You'veprobably heard this before, but oysters are aphrodisiacs in many cultures. Oysters are high in zinc which often boosts testosterone levels in men. Food aphrodisiacs include, but are not limited to the following: artichokes, asparagus, avocado, basil, black beans(!), chilies, chocolate, coffee, grapes, honey, olives, pine nuts, rosemary, strawberries, popular spices, and some edible flowers. Some on the list might not be obvious choices, like black beans and chilies. The latter and other hot spices are thought to increase blood flow and circulation, so they have a popularfollowing.

As a side note, foods shaped like genitalia can be arousing.For instance, ripe figs are popular aphrodisiacs because some believe they resemble a woman's genitalia. Phallic-shaped items are often appetizing. The lush softness and shape of a banana make this fruit popular, and many men can attest to the eroticism of watching a woman lick an ice cream cone. Red foods are often thought of as succulent aphrodisiacs - tomatoes, strawberries, and, of course the forbidden fruit, red apples, are routinely thought of as sexually appetizing. If you decide to go all out and have the perfect aphrodisiac-laden dinner, don't forget the drinks! Libations, but specifi-cally wine and champagne, are the drinks of love.

Doesn't It Annoy You When...

1. There's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?
2. You buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?
3. There's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?
4. You're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?
5. You tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.
6. Someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.
7. A friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.
8. You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.
9. You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
10. A waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.
11. Your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.
12. The dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
13. The power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.
14. Someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check.
15. The elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.
16. You almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose every-thing.