The Irony of Life

"It is not what we eat but what we digest that makes us strong; not what we gain but what we save that makes us rich; not what we read but what we remember that makes us learned; and not what we profess but what we practice that gives us integrity."
--Francis Bacon

Shower Activities

Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people masturbate in the shower. The other ten percent of them sing."
"Really?" asked the friend.
The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, "And do you know what the most popular song people sing in the shower?"
The friend shook her head and replied, "No." The therapist replied, "I didn't think so."

Optimism

"The place where optimism most flourishes is the lunatic asylum."
- Havelock Ellis

Inner Peace

Some signs and symptoms of inner peace:

• A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences.
• An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
• A loss of interest in judging other people.
• A loss of interest in judging self.
• A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
• A loss of interest in conflict.
• A loss of the ability to worry. (This is a very serious symptom.)
• Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
• Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.
• Frequent attacks of smiling.
• An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.
• An increased susceptibility to the love extended by others as well as the uncontrollable urge to extend it.

WARNING: If you have some or all of the above symptoms, please be advised that your condition of inner peace may be so far advanced as to not be curable. If you are exposed to anyone exhibiting any of these symptoms, remain exposed only at your own risk.

We often take for granted the things that deserve our gratitude

Take nothing for granted, for whatever you do
The "joy of enjoying" is lessened for you --
For we rob our own lives much more than we know
When we fail to respondor in any way show
Our thanks for the blessings that daily are ours. . .
The warmth of the sun, the fragrance of flowers
The beauty of twilight, the freshness of dawn
The coolness of dew on a green velvet lawn
The kind little deeds so thoughtfully done
The favors of friends and of their ways
Expecting no payment and no words of praise.

. . . Helen Steiner Rice

The Rules of Eating Chocolate

1. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
3. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
4. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
5. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
6. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
7. Money talks. Chocolate sings.
8. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
9. Q: Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A: Because no one wants to quit.
10. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
11. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
12. If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

As I Mature

• I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
• I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
• I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
• I've learned that you can keep vomiting, long after you think you're finished.
• I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
• I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!
• I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon, and all the less important ones just never go away.

Obnoxious Children

Pet Peeve #3
Thou shalt keep thy obnoxious child(ren) away from me.

I know it's been a while since I have updated my peeves but this one happened today and I just HAD to blog about it.
I dunno, I guess my mother raised me differently and when children deviate from that and come in MY space and demonstrate their most reprehensible attitudes I want to slap them and then their mother. What's worse is when you speak to them and they just don't get it!
I dunno what kind of mother I will be and I hope that I won't grow too tired to teach my children better for them to not be seen in the same light as I do some of these ankle biters.
They need some advice from Cesar Milan - The Dog Whisperer: "Rules, Boundaries and Limitations." Jeez man!!

Queen's Engerlish

Hey, since we're now living in the time of technology and the more common use of the written language, it is time for an English lesson. So, with tongue firmly in cheek, here are some rules to keep in mind when using the Queen's Engerlish:
1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat).
6. Always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)unnecessary.
9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad too.
11. Contractions aren't helpful and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should never generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is probably not the best way to propose earth shattering ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Our Weird Language

• Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
• Why do some people use the expression 'Good Grief'? What is a Bad Grief?
• Why is the plural of goose-geese and not the plural of moose-meese?
• If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice why aren't two houses hice?
• If the plural of mouse is mice, what is the plural of spouse?
• Why do we say something is awfully good? What exactly do we mean by this?
• Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
• Can you have only one plural?
• Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?
• Can you be frequent infrequently?
• Why do people say 'This and That' as opposed to 'That and This'?
• If the plural of octopus is octopi and platypus is platypi what is the plural of schoolbus?
• Why is sphinges the plural of sphinx if there's only one?
• What's the difference between new and brand new?
• Why do North Americans fill a form out but the English fill it in?

Wanted: A REAL BOYFRIEND

Yeh... a guy like this would be nice... It'd be really nice.

1. When she stares at your mouth... Kiss her.
2. When she pushes you or hits you like she thinks she's stronger than you... Grab her and don't let go.
3. When she starts cussing you out, tryin to act all tuff... Kiss her and tell her you love her.
4. When she's quiet... Ask her whats wrong.
5. When she ignores you... Give her your attention.
6. When she pulls away... Pull her back.
7. When you see her at her worst... Tell her she's beautiful.
8. When you see her start crying... Just hold her and dont say a word.
9. When you see her walking... Sneak up and hug her waist from behind.
10. When she's scared... Protect her.
11. When she steals your favorite hat... Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night.
12. When she teases you... Tease her back and make her laugh.
13. When she doesn't answer for a long time... Reassure her that everything is okay.
14.When she looks at you with doubt... Back yourself up a bit.
15. When she says that she likes you... SHE REALLY DOES, MORE THAN YOU COULD UNDERSTAND!!!
16. When she grabs at your hands... Hold her's and play with her fingers.
17. When she bumps into you with her big ass hips ;)... Bump into her back and make her laugh.
18. When she tells you a secret... Keep it safe and untold.
19. When she looks at you in your eyes... Don't look away until she does.
20. When she says it's over... She still wants you to be hers (IT'S TRUE!).
21. When she plays with your face... She wants you to be hers forever.
22. When she reposts this bulletin... She wants you to read it.
23. Stay on the phone with her even if she's not saying anything.
24. When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go.
25. When she says she's ok dont believe it, talk with her.
26. Because 10 yrs later she'll remember you.
27. Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her.
28. Treat her like she's all that matters to you.
29. Stay up all night with her when she's sick.
30. Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think it's stupid.
31. Give her the world.
32. Let her wear your clothes.
33. When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.
34. Let her know she's important.
35. Kiss her in the pouring rain.
36. When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is; 'Who's the one I'm loving, baby?'

Rudyard Kipling - "If"

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling

Everyone Needs A Washing

A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Target. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout.

We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Target. We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.

The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in 'Mom let's run through the rain,' she said. 'What?' Mom asked.'Let’s run through the rain!' She repeated. 'No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit,' Mom replied.

This young child waited about another minute and repeated: 'Mom, let's run through the rain,' 'We'll get soaked if we do,' Mom said.'No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning,' the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm.

‘This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?’ 'Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!'

The entire crowd stopped dead silent. You couldn't hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes. Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say.

Now, some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith. 'Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If GOD lets us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing,' Mom said.

Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.

And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.

Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories.

So, don't forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday.

Life's Contradictions

• I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
• Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel sogood.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
• All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse getsthe cheese.
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Life through the eyes of a Realist

• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to belazy.
• Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
• I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that youtried.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after youneed it.
• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softnessof the bread.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal frommany is research.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Christian the Lion

The Law of the Garbage Truck

One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped outof a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on hisbrakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches!

The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.So I asked, "Why did you just do that? This guy almostruined your car and sent us to the hospital!" This is when my taxidriver taught me what I now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck."

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, andfull of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbagetrucks take over their day. Life's too short to wake up in the morningwith regrets, so....."Love the people who treat you right. Pray for theones who don't."

Linguistics

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Things it takes most of us 50 years to learn

Things it takes most of us 50 years to learn:

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
3. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
4. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.
5. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
6. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.
7. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
8. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
9. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
10. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
11. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and he decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle or in some cases, really bad make-up too.
12. You should not confuse your career with your life.
13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor, is not a nice person.
14. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
15. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
16. Your true friends love you, anyway.
17. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Today's Reflection - Aug 9, 2008

Words -- so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them.
--Nathaniel Hawthorne